Burlesques William Makepeace Thackeray

160
"And do you like hot rowls or cowld—muffins or crumpets—fresh butter or salt? And you,
gentlemen, what do you say to some ilegant divvled-kidneys for yourselves, and just a trifle
of grilled turkeys, and a couple of hundthred new-laid eggs for the ladies?"
"Pooh, pooh! be it as you will, my dear fellow," answered they all.
"But stop," says I. "O ladies, O ladies: O gentlemen, gentlemen, that you should ever have
come to the quarters of Goliah Gahagan, and he been without—"
"What?" said they, in a breath.
"Alas I alas! I have not got a single stick of chocolate in the whole house."
"Well, well, we can do without it."
"Or a single pound of coffee."
"Never mind; let that pass too." (Mrs. Van and the rest were beginning to look alarmed.)
"And about the kidneys—now I remember, the black divvles outside the fort have seized
upon all the sheep; and how are we to have kidneys without them?" (Here there was a slight
o—o—o!)
"And with regard to the milk and crame, it may be remarked that the cows are likewise in
pawn, and not a single drop can be had for money or love: but we can beat up eggs, you
know, in the tay, which will be just as good."
"Oh! just as good."
"Only the divvle's in the luck, there's not a fresh egg to be had—no, nor a fresh chicken,"
continued I, "nor a stale one either; nor a tayspoonful of souchong, nor a thimbleful of
bohay; nor the laste taste in life of butther, salt or fresh; nor hot rowls or cowld!"
"In the name of heaven!" said Mrs. Van, growing very pale, "what is there, then?"
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'll tell you what there is now," shouted I. "There's
"Two drumsticks of fowls, and a bone of ham.
Fourteen bottles of ginger-beer," &c. &c. &c.
And I went through the whole list of eatables as before, ending with the ham-sandwiches
and the pot of jelly.