Burlesques William Makepeace Thackeray

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antics, and jumping in and out of endless trap-doors and windows, through life's shifting
scenes, no fairy comes down to make US comfortable at the close of the performance? Ah!
let us give our honest novel-folks the benefit of their position, and not be envious of their
good luck.
No person who has read the preceding volumes of this history, as the famous chronicler of
Abbotsford has recorded them, can doubt for a moment what was the result of the marriage
between Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe and Lady Rowena. Those who have marked her conduct
during her maidenhood, her distinguished politeness, her spotless modesty of demeanor,
her unalterable coolness under all circumstances, and her lofty and gentlewomanlike
bearing, must be sure that her married conduct would equal her spinster behavior, and that
Rowena the wife would be a pattern of correctness for all the matrons of England.
Such was the fact. For miles around Rotherwood her character for piety was known. Her
castle was a rendezvous for all the clergy and monks of the district, whom she fed with the
richest viands, while she pinched herself upon pulse and water. There was not an invalid in
the three Ridings, Saxon or Norman, but the palfrey of the Lady Rowena might be seen
journeying to his door, in company with Father Glauber, her almoner, and Brother Thomas
of Epsom, her leech. She lighted up all the churches in Yorkshire with wax-candles, the
offerings of her piety. The bells of her chapel began to ring at two o'clock in the morning;
and all the domestics of Rotherwood were called upon to attend at matins, at complins, at
nones, at vespers, and at sermon. I need not say that fasting was observed with all the rigors
of the Church; and that those of the servants of the Lady Rowena were looked upon with
most favor whose hair-shirts were the roughest, and who flagellated themselves with the
most becoming perseverance.
Whether it was that this discipline cleared poor Wamba's wits or cooled his humor, it is
certain that he became the most melancholy fool in England, and if ever he ventured upon a
pun to the shuddering poor servitors, who were mumbling their dry crusts below the salt, it
was such a faint and stale joke that noboby dared to laugh at the innuendoes of the
unfortunate wag, and a sickly smile was the best applause he could muster. Once, indeed,
when Guffo, the goose-boy (a half-witted poor wretch), laughed outright at a lamentably
stale pun which Wamba palmed upon him at supper-time, (it was dark, and the torches
being brought in, Wamba said, "Guffo, they can't see their way in the argument, and are
going TO THROW A LITTLE LIGHT UPON THE SUBJECT,") the Lady Rowena, being
disturbed in a theological controversy with Father Willibald, (afterwards canonized as St.
Willibald, of Bareacres, hermit and confessor,) called out to know what was the cause of
the unseemly interruption, and Guffo and Wamba being pointed out as the culprits, ordered
them straightway into the court-yard, and three dozen to be administered to each of them.