The Varieties of Religious Experience - Penn State University

William Jamesto be dressed in mourning and groaning, under the weight of thecurse, and everything around me seemed to be conspiring my ruin.My sins seemed to be laid open; so that I thought that every one Isaw knew them, and sometimes I was almost ready to acknowledgemany things, which I thought they knew: yea sometimes it seemedto me as if every one was pointing me out as the most guilty wretchupon earth. I had now so great a sense of the vanity and emptinessof all things here below, that I knew the whole world could notpossibly make me happy, no, nor the whole system of creation. WhenI waked in the morning, the first thought would be, Oh, my wretchedsoul, what shall I do, where shall I go? And when I laid down, wouldsay, I shall be perhaps in hell before morning. I would many timeslook on the beasts with envy, wishing with all my heart I was intheir place, that I might have no soul to lose; and when I have seenbirds flying over my head, have often thought within myself, Oh,that I could fly away from my danger and distress! Oh, how happyshould I be, if I were in their place!”82Envy of the placid beasts seems to be a very widespread affectionin this type of sadness.The worst kind of melancholy is that which takes the form ofpanic fear. Here is an excellent example, for permission to printwhich I have to thank the sufferer. The original is in French, andthough the subject was evidently in a bad nervous condition at thetime of which he writes, his case has otherwise the merit of extremesimplicity. I translate freely.“Whilst in this state of philosophic pessimism and general depressionof spirits about my prospects, I went one evening into adressing-room in the twilight to procure some article that was there;when suddenly there fell upon me without any warning, just as if itcame out of the darkness, a horrible fear of my own existence. Simultaneouslythere arose in my mind the image of an epileptic patientwhom I had seen in the asylum, a black-haired youth withgreenish skin, entirely idiotic, who used to sit all day on one of the82 The Life and Journal of the Rev. Mr. Henry Alline, Boston 1806, pp.25, 26. I owe my acquaintance with this book to my colleague, Dr. BenjaminRand.147