Fabiola : or, The church of the catacombs - Digital Repository Services

aspirings of the 1
lofty mind to something higher find more noble
; ami, with a kind of jealoi
ked tin' longings
of the youthful heart to ! more intimately united with its
Ami he, poor child, grew up from childhood to boyhood,
from boyhood to early manhood, with no one to teach him what
hu craved to know, with the noble instincts of his fresh young
stretching themselves out to something to which lie 1 could
not give a name, and no ono to tell him what that something
was, with no one to tell him that the aspirings of liin heart
were after its God, with no one to teach him that the proud
passions Unit w. iv in his nature were to be rendered subservient
to those higher aspirations, with no one to teach him
how to be, good. But let him take courage. The good Jesus
is already seeking him to take him upon His shoulders, and
carry him home to Himself.
CHAPTEE V.
TUB FIEST DOUBT.
WHEN Edwin was about fifteen years of age, it was announced
one Sunday that in a few weeks the bishop of the dioer.se
would visit the parish in order to administer confirmation to
the younger members of the congregation, and they were told
to prepare themselves to receive it. Edwin tried hard to
understand what confirmation was, but he could not succeed.
He felt that it would be useless to question his father on the
point, and confidence between himself and Mr. Grant, the rector
of the parish, had been so effectually crushed in his childhood
by the incident mentioned in the last chapter, that he
could not make up his mind to speak to him. He listened
eagerly every Sunday, homing to hear from the pulpit some
explanation of the rite, or whatever it might be ; but no explanation
came until the Sunday preceding the day on which
the bishop was to administer it. Then, indeed, Mr. Grant
spoke about it ; but Edwin could make nothing oiit of it. Mr.
Grant was very "low church," and, consequently, looked upon
confirmation as a mere rite, without sacramental character or
efficacy attached to it, and in explaining his views he succeeded
so perfectly in lowering that which he undertook to explain,
that very few, indeed, of his hearers could have been much im-
pressed with a feeling of awe or respect for that which they
were to receive, or have felt much obligation of preparing
themselves very exactly or carefully for its reception.
Edwin felt that there was something wrong in all this. He
endeavored to make himself believe that confirmation was
something more holy and of higher character that Mr. Grant's
teaching seemed to suppose. Young as he was, and with the
i s
1>; ions of his strong nature so little disciplined and brought
under, he felt that he was unworthy to receive the sacred rite,
for such he thought it. His active mind began to work, and
he used to wonder whether confirmation had been always
looked upon in the same light in which Mr. Grant seemed to
regard it, and whether our forefathers had always had such a
mean opinion of it, and if so, how it was that they had ever begun
to practise it. These ideas, without taking any very definite
shape, were continually flitting through his brain, filling
him with uneasiness and doubt, and his conviction of the hollowness
of the whole proceeding was rendered complete, when
Mr. Grant called.one day, and after asking him a single question
in the Catechism, gave him a certificate to be given to the
bishop, or his attendant, certifying that he was duly prepared
and fit to receive confirmation.
Edwin felt that he was not fit to receive it, and, moreover,
that no one had taken pains to teach him how to prepare him-
self. How, then, could Mr. Grant certify that he was worthy
to receive the sacred rite ? Or, if he were worthy, what could
be the dignity of that which he was to receive, if his preparation
sufficed to receive it worthily ? and, as his ncute intellect
\ er all this, the first doubt which prepared the way
for all thai followed \va.-i implanted in his youthful mind.
Ou the appointed day, however, Edwin knelt before the
TWO r/ryo/.'//:,s'.
>,
and had the tips of the fingers of that reverend p
i'or a moment mi his head. In tl
i
(Inint. and a large number of his friends dined witJi
honor of the event. They were all lavish with
congratulations to Edwin, and he was quit-- the hero of the
day ; but he was very sorrowful. His heart felt quite empty,
and he would often, during the evening, have wished to jvtir
to his own little room to relieve himself by tears. Why did
they congratulate him ? What had he done worthy of congratulation
? And finding no answer to these questions which
continually presented themselves to him, he felt himself more
lonely than ever, more dissatisfied with himself and all around
him, and the old feeling of his early childhood came buck with
renewed intensity, and he longed and. wished and prayed for
some one to teach him how to be good for the good Jesus to
take him on His shoulders to carry him home, for he felt as if
this latest act of his religious life, so to call it, had but ten
to render the gulf between himself and God wider and more
apparent than ever ; and, young as he was, natural as he was,
unenlightened as he was, he knew that it ought not to be so.
On the Sunday preceding the confirmation, Mr. Grant announced
that it was his wish that all the recipients should, on
the Sunday following, approach the communion table. If
poor Edwin had been perplexed about confirmation, his perplexities
and troubles were now increased a thousand-fold.
Mr. Stanhope " received" three or four times a year, because
most respectable people did the same ; but he had no fixed
and clear notion of the nature and character of the action he
performed; and Mr. Grant's views were of the very lowest kind.
Edwin had frequently heard him declaim with violence against
what he called the idolatrous and blasphemous doctrine of the
" real presence" of our Lord in the sacrament. He had i
Mr. Grant frequently declare that there was nothing but the
mere bread and wine present, and that it was impious and
wicked to believe anything else, and consequently, he was inclined
to believe it must be so ; but ever and anon the solemn
word came flitting through his mind: "This is My Body,"
(St. Matthew, xxvi. 26) ; and also, " This is My Blood of the
New Testament, which shall be shed for many unto remission
of sins," (ver. 28), and he could not see how to reconcile them
with the teachings of Mr. Grant. Not that he thought Mr.
Grant could be wrong, or be teaching what was false, Edwin
kuew nothing of religion but what he had learnt from his
father and Mr. Grant, aud he thought it certain that they were
right ; but, nevertheless, there was something
in their teach-
ing and especially on this point with which his intellect refused
to be satisfied. Moreover, as the day drew near when he
was to approach the Lord's table for the first time, he sat for
hours with his Bible before him, pondering over the passages
relating to the Eucharist, and becoming more and more perplexed,
and more and more uneasy. With an ardent desire to
do what was right, he meditated on the words of St. Paul :
"
Therefore, whoever shall eat this bread or drink the chalice
of the Lord unworthily, shall be guilty of the body and blood
himself : and so let him
of the Lord. But, let a man prove
eat of that bread and drink of that chalice. For, he that eat-
eth and drinketh unwortfiily, eateth and drinketh
judgment to himself, not discerning the body of the
Lord" (1 Cor. xi. 27, 28, 29); but the more he
thought the more bewildered he became ; and he asked himself
how he could be guilty of the body and blood of the Lord,
if that body and blood were not present in the Sacrament ? or
how he could eat and drink judgment to himself for not dis-
of the Lord were
cerning the body of the Lord, if the body
not present? Then, at times, he would seem convinced that
Mr. Grant was right, aud that there was nothing present but
bread and wine ; but the awful denunciation of the apostle
would present itself in all its dreadful clearness to him,
his cheek would blanch, aud he would tremble with fear
and
and
excitement as he murmured the solemn words "
: Therefore,
let a man prove himself For, he that eateth and
drinketh unworthily, etiteth and drinketh judgment to himself,
nut discerning the body of the Lord."