The Humourous Poetry of the English Language

100
Two gentlemen their appetite had fed,
When opening his toothpick-case, one said,
"It was not until lately that I knew
That anchovies on terra firma grew.
"Grow!" cried the other, "yes, they GROW, indeed,
Like other fish, but not upon the land;
You might as well say grapes grow on a reed,
Or in the Strand!"
"Why, sir," returned the irritated other,
"My brother,
When at Calcutta
Beheld them bona fide growing;
He wouldn't utter
A lie for love or money, sir; so in
This matter you are thoroughly mistaken."
"Nonsense, sir! nonsense! I can give no credit
To the assertion--none e'er saw or read it;
Your brother, like his evidence, should be shaken."
"Be shaken, sir! let me observe, you are
Perverse--in short--"
"Sir," said the other, sucking his cigar,
And then his port--
"If you will say impossibles are true,
You may affirm just any thing you please--
That swans are quadrupeds, and lions blue,
And elephants inhabit Stilton cheese!
Only you must not, FORCE me to believe
What's propagated merely to deceive."
"Then you force me to say, sir, you're a fool,"
Return'd the bragger.
Language like this no man can suffer cool:
It made the listener stagger;
So, thunder-stricken, he at once replied,
"The traveler LIED
Who had the impudence to tell it you;"
"Zounds! then d'ye mean to swear before my face
That anchovies DON'T grow like cloves and mace?"
"I DO!"