The Humourous Poetry of the English Language

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348 Vowed she should make the finest girl Within a hundred miles; He sent her to a stylish school; 'T was in her thirteenth June; And with her, as the rules required, "Two towels and a spoon." They braced my aunt against a board, To make her straight and tall; They laced her up, they starved her down, To make her light and small. They pinched her feet, they singed her hair, They screwed it up with pins;-- O never mortal suffered more In penance for her sins. So, when my precious aunt was done, My grandsire brought her back; (By daylight, lest some rabid youth Might follow on the track;) "Ah!" said my grandsire, as he shook Some powder in his pan, "What could this lovely creature do Against a desperate man!" Alas! nor chariot, nor barouche, Nor bandit cavalcade, Tore from the trembling father's arms His all-accomplished maid. For her how happy had it been! And heaven had spared to me To see one sad, ungathered rose On my ancestral tree. COMIC MISERIES. JOHN G. SAXE. My dear young friend, whose shining wit
349 Sets all the room a-blaze, Don't think yourself a "happy dog," For all your merry ways; But learn to wear a sober phiz, Be stupid, if you can, It's such a very serious thing To be a funny man! You're at an evening party, with A group of pleasant folks,-- You venture quietly to crack The least of little jokes,-- A lady doesn't catch the point, And begs you to explain-- Alas for one that drops a jest And takes it up again! You're talking deep philosophy With very special force, To edify a clergyman With suitable discourse,-- You think you 've got him--when he calls A friend across the way, And begs you'll say that funny thing You said the other day! You drop a pretty jeu-de-mot Into a neighbor's ears, Who likes to give you credit for The clever thing he hears, And so he hawks your jest about The old authentic one, Just breaking off the point of it, And leaving out the pun! By sudden change in politics, Or sadder change in Polly, You, lose your love, or loaves, and fall A prey to melancholy, While every body marvels why Your mirth is under ban,--
Page 1 and 2:
1 James Parton The Humourous Poetry
Page 3 and 4:
3 them claim to a place in a collec
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5 NARRATIVE. Take thy Old Cloak abo
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7 The Yankee Volunteer Thackeray Co
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9 The Last Appendix to Yankee Doodl
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11 Smatterers Bad Writers The Opini
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13 To a Liar Mendax The Bad Wife Th
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15 The Amende Honorable The Czar Ba
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17 On the Moon On Ink On a Circle O
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19 TO CHLOE. AN APOLOGY FOR GOING I
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21 Now turnest--on the table making
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23 WRITTEN WHEN THE AUTHOR WAS GRIE
Page 25 and 26:
25 Those eyes have taught the lover
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27 Profusely scattered, lodges in i
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29 Scent to match thy rich perfume
Page 31 and 32:
31 And the suburbs of thy graces; A
Page 33 and 34:
33 Who the deuce can harbor there?"
Page 35 and 36:
35 When you swear that you'll love
Page 37 and 38:
37 Where are they all, so sweet, so
Page 39 and 40:
39 'Twould tempt the dying anchorit
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41 A few coats, waistcoats, and sma
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43 Ay, here stands the Poplar, so t
Page 45 and 46:
45 In short, whatever panegyrics li
Page 47 and 48:
47 Lo there what mixed conditions r
Page 49 and 50:
49 Twelve years ago I was a boy, A
Page 51 and 52:
51 Had turned our parish topsy-turv
Page 53 and 54:
53 And share the widow's homelier p
Page 55 and 56:
55 If chairs have but feeling in ho
Page 57 and 58:
57 Marbles or tops are games of tru
Page 59 and 60:
59 And China Bloom at best is sorry
Page 61 and 62:
61 Of "good society" the golden key
Page 63 and 64:
63 Chip hat without flower or feath
Page 65 and 66:
65 There was no answer, and I took
Page 67 and 68:
67 OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES. I wrote s
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69 While thus he was strolling arou
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71 Who'll steal some morning to her
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73 Wee have brought them up to wome
Page 75 and 76:
75 But if you will give me but thre
Page 77 and 78:
77 The king he laughed, and swore b
Page 79 and 80:
79 A flower there is, that shineth
Page 81 and 82:
81 Sir knight, now I'm your betters
Page 83 and 84:
83 The neighboring woods and lawns
Page 85 and 86:
85 No Welchman knew, or lov'd it be
Page 87 and 88:
87 And with such ease began the hai
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89 ECONOMY. PETER PINDAR. Economy's
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91 He shall paint ME--I am determin
Page 93 and 94:
93 Reader, If e'er thy bosom felt a
Page 95 and 96:
95 "But, brother sinner, pray expla
Page 97 and 98:
97 Nature perhaps herself had cast
Page 99 and 100:
99 And, doubtful what, with prudent
Page 101 and 102:
101 Disputants often after hot deba
Page 103 and 104:
103 Their names, little friends, I
Page 105 and 106:
105 "Mother," said he, "I am glad y
Page 107 and 108:
107 The heads saw their way to the
Page 109 and 110:
109 So, with all honors that might
Page 111 and 112:
111 Most dutiful of wives, Saint He
Page 113 and 114:
113 So great would be the supply. A
Page 115 and 116:
115 The Hakim Ibrahim INSTANTER bro
Page 117 and 118:
117 (Thus did old Fatima bespeak he
Page 119 and 120:
119 (Ere liberal Fashion damn'd bot
Page 121 and 122:
121 Were there nae SPEERINGS of our
Page 123 and 124:
123 Another wise Solomon cries, as
Page 125 and 126:
125 I did not go to Jericho--I went
Page 127 and 128:
127 And when you go to Margate next
Page 129 and 130:
129 For sometimes from the ale-hous
Page 131 and 132:
131 He sinks beneath the unexpected
Page 133 and 134:
133 His gooseberry orbs seem'd as t
Page 135 and 136:
135 I'll mark the spot, and come ag
Page 137 and 138:
137 And she mixes a stiff glass of
Page 139 and 140:
139 Wish to receive a snug party to
Page 141 and 142:
141 "MURDER!! "WHEREAS, a dead gent
Page 143 and 144:
143 Till, as Alderman Curtis told A
Page 145 and 146:
145 MORAL. Now, you grave married P
Page 147 and 148:
147 And she smiled on the Knight, W
Page 149 and 150:
149 Quoth the lady, "Dear sir, no a
Page 151 and 152:
151 As though his abruptness, in "p
Page 153 and 154:
153 Be this as it may, He, I'm sorr
Page 155 and 156:
155 The billows and water-nymphs ro
Page 157 and 158:
157 And amusing himself with his pi
Page 159 and 160:
159 Who depones to her tones, And h
Page 161 and 162:
161 It is not like Talking, It is n
Page 163 and 164:
163 Miss Davis look'd up, Miss Davi
Page 165 and 166:
165 He would carry, and fetch, and
Page 167 and 168:
167 Promulgates his notion Of being
Page 169 and 170:
169 But, Reader, I scorn it--the fa
Page 171 and 172:
171 "O Lord," he thought, "what pai
Page 173 and 174:
173 Was smoking away when they ente
Page 175 and 176:
175 'Tis strange the French prove,
Page 177 and 178:
177 And he lick'd Blogg's hands, an
Page 179 and 180:
179 Had not made Blogg perspire Hal
Page 181 and 182:
181 She had been, in her day A Firs
Page 183 and 184:
183 And,--what was more her fate th
Page 185 and 186:
185 He summoned his physicians To w
Page 187 and 188:
187 "Your grace knows best," the la
Page 189 and 190:
189 And wind that's wondrous sound.
Page 191 and 192:
191 "But thou shalt not be loser, T
Page 193 and 194:
193 Meanwhile a load of guineas ten
Page 195 and 196:
195 I'll cry ye patron-saints of Li
Page 197 and 198:
197 DOUBLE LIGHTS THROW DOUBLE SHAD
Page 199 and 200:
199 Of markets, churches, and of co
Page 201 and 202:
201 I for this conduct had what I d
Page 203 and 204:
203 They would not learn, nor could
Page 205 and 206:
205 When I talk and you are heedles
Page 207 and 208:
207 And could not let a dunce alone
Page 209 and 210:
209 Too zealous for the nation's go
Page 211 and 212:
211 And every virtuous man his brot
Page 213 and 214:
213 Clouds keep the stoutest mortal
Page 215 and 216:
215 In garden-silks, brocades, and
Page 217 and 218:
217 THE RAZOR SELLER. PETER PINDAR.
Page 219 and 220:
219 Particularly in a storm, Where,
Page 221 and 222:
221 Whenever Monsieur Ketch applied
Page 223 and 224:
223 Knows naught of smile, and nod,
Page 225 and 226:
225 I do affirm it, Mister Jay, ind
Page 227 and 228:
227 This little anecdote doth plain
Page 229 and 230:
229 Like lightning dost thou fly, w
Page 231 and 232:
231 That thou a pair of horns hadst
Page 233 and 234:
233 The rich, the proud, the potent
Page 235 and 236:
235 Though dropped her jaw, her lip
Page 237 and 238:
237 For God's sake gently tread the
Page 239 and 240:
239 As for the tender-conscienced j
Page 241 and 242:
241 The youths would search the bos
Page 243 and 244:
243 Fed upon straw--straw it may ea
Page 245 and 246:
245 Then shifting his side (as a la
Page 247 and 248:
247 * * * * * May be thou lets this
Page 249 and 250:
249 Look something to your credit;
Page 251 and 252:
251 Thence mystic knots mak great a
Page 253 and 254:
253 From his brimstone bed at break
Page 255 and 256:
255 For I myself sate like a Cormor
Page 257 and 258:
257 Many irons, my sire, have we in
Page 259 and 260:
259 And the other when he heard it
Page 261 and 262:
261 And if seeking an illicit conne
Page 263 and 264:
263 Where, after hours in wrangling
Page 265 and 266:
265 Thanks, thanks for the hopes th
Page 267 and 268:
267 And shot, from little devilish
Page 269 and 270:
269 And though 'mong Thibet Tories,
Page 271 and 272:
271 As all, but Frenchmen, think sh
Page 273 and 274:
273 If, when of age, every man in t
Page 275 and 276:
275 Of the man, who for me all this
Page 277 and 278:
277 Set out with Papa, to see Louis
Page 279 and 280:
279 To see Montmorency--that place
Page 281 and 282:
281 And--such a mistake as no morta
Page 283 and 284:
283 This letter, however, dear DOLL
Page 285 and 286:
285 Oppress the toilet and obscure
Page 287 and 288:
287 Should here be compelled to gro
Page 289 and 290:
289 And what see I there?-- In a ru
Page 291 and 292:
291 And never saw Dick's long-tail'
Page 293 and 294:
293 But lo! my rhyme's begun to fai
Page 295 and 296:
295 But what is your opinion, Mrs.
Page 297 and 298: 297 Why, zounds! what raised so Pro
Page 299 and 300: 299 No solemn sanctimonious face I
Page 301 and 302: 301 Like the magnetic needle to the
Page 303 and 304: 303 In riding with a friend to Pond
Page 305 and 306: 305 None of that griffinish excess
Page 307 and 308: 307 A Bird of Paradise?--a pretty s
Page 309 and 310: 309 Why shun, as worthless of affil
Page 311 and 312: 311 He doesn't give no milk--but he
Page 313 and 314: 313 For he quickly laid them flat w
Page 315 and 316: 315 _I_ never had a decent coat-- _
Page 317 and 318: 317 You're his friend--for that he
Page 319 and 320: 319 I lauded Persian roses, Coined
Page 321 and 322: 321 And when she danced--oh, heaven
Page 323 and 324: 323 Our love was like most other lo
Page 325 and 326: 325 And so it is with all The warri
Page 327 and 328: 327 CANTO THE SECOND. MATRIMONY. No
Page 329 and 330: 329 THE LOBSTERS. [Footnote: Appear
Page 331 and 332: 331 Let other swains, upon the best
Page 333 and 334: 333 "My friend," the tourist said,
Page 335 and 336: 335 Art thou alone, thou serpent, o
Page 337 and 338: 337 Some taken up with mesmerism, o
Page 339 and 340: 339 Because a stingy Company for ha
Page 341 and 342: 341 Miserable sinners! Let us be up
Page 343 and 344: 343 Vultures to borrow more. Live a
Page 345 and 346: 345 And Cousin Germans have survive
Page 347: 347 Thy wretched infant turns his h
Page 351 and 352: 351 How nations should be ruled, Fr
Page 353 and 354: 353 Whene'er we steam it to Blackwa
Page 355 and 356: 355 By thee upborne, I draw Miltoni
Page 357 and 358: 357 Drew Heliconian streams, ungrat
Page 359 and 360: 359 Drive hence the rude and barbar
Page 361 and 362: 361 Or Sylvia, comely black, with j
Page 363 and 364: 363 So when Amphion bade the lyre T
Page 365 and 366: 365 Having through all the village
Page 367 and 368: 367 The ballads, pasted on the wall
Page 369 and 370: 369 And goes with folks to show the
Page 371 and 372: 371 Dead cats, and turnip-tops, com
Page 373 and 374: 373 Sees swords and bayonets withou
Page 375 and 376: 375 Determined nothing should be do
Page 377 and 378: 377 Look on the humbler sons of ear
Page 379 and 380: 379 "What's this! hae, hae? what's
Page 381 and 382: 381 Here was the king, like hounds
Page 383 and 384: 383 But, Whitbread, what's o'clock,
Page 385 and 386: 385 He thanked however his most gra
Page 387 and 388: 387 "Is this an action, Peter, this
Page 389 and 390: 389 Tuscan and French are in my hea
Page 391 and 392: 391 "I should be glad to drink your
Page 393 and 394: 393 This dungeon that I'm rotting i
Page 395 and 396: 395 Some have denied a soul! THEY N
Page 397 and 398: 397 THE POET EXPATIATES ON THE BEAU
Page 399 and 400:
399 Or let me meet OLD TIME upon hi
Page 401 and 402:
401 The chaise in which poor brothe
Page 403 and 404:
403 Joy to thee, Drury! to myself I
Page 405 and 406:
405 Indeed, indeed, I'm very, very
Page 407 and 408:
407 What various swains our motley
Page 409 and 410:
409 [A BURLESQUE OF SIR WALTER SCOT
Page 411 and 412:
411 To distant fields the blaze was
Page 413 and 414:
413 For, rallying but to fall again
Page 415 and 416:
415 Balmy zephyrs, lightly flitting
Page 417 and 418:
417 And do you ask me, "What is LIF
Page 419 and 420:
419 Into the eye-and then-the FIGHT
Page 421 and 422:
421 Shared in thy boundless sympath
Page 423 and 424:
423 His shadow o'er his brow, and s
Page 425 and 426:
425 'Neath the counterpane just as
Page 427 and 428:
427 Their alma mater not in town; T
Page 429 and 430:
429 On Croker Mountains), to the U-
Page 431 and 432:
431 Thou imp of mirth and joy! In L
Page 433 and 434:
433 Two such nights and I shall die
Page 435 and 436:
435 And split like endive in some h
Page 437 and 438:
437 Doth punning Peake not sit upon
Page 439 and 440:
439 As Rolla he. And as that Innoce
Page 441 and 442:
441 Her sweet and severe To be ever
Page 443 and 444:
443 And sigh'd that our union could
Page 445 and 446:
445 Stiff are the warrior's muscles
Page 447 and 448:
447 A BALLAD OF BEDLAM. PUNCH. O, l
Page 449 and 450:
449 O help me to more gravy still,
Page 451 and 452:
451 Say, BESSY dearest, if you will
Page 453 and 454:
453 On the deck of a steamer; She s
Page 455 and 456:
455 When all from town have gone, I
Page 457 and 458:
457 Another time--years since the l
Page 459 and 460:
459 By YANKEE DOODLE, too, you're b
Page 461 and 462:
461 And nothing found--some busines
Page 463 and 464:
463 JONES. Oh! nothing. I was only
Page 465 and 466:
465 SCENE.--A Barber's Shop. Barber
Page 467 and 468:
467 [Another pause ensues, during w
Page 469 and 470:
469 Hover a cabstand. Whereby if we
Page 471 and 472:
471 But on a hot dish let it rest,
Page 473 and 474:
473 Of Beignets there's none like t
Page 475 and 476:
475 Mutton chops, and onion slice,
Page 477 and 478:
477 And let them stand and settle f
Page 479 and 480:
479 Take from the cellar of salt a
Page 481 and 482:
481 The soup from the fire I move.
Page 483 and 484:
483 For your jug of Barley Water ('
Page 485 and 486:
485 Set all to rights again. I give
Page 487 and 488:
487 The youngest of our three Will
Page 489 and 490:
489 At Dedmanton his loving wife, O
Page 491 and 492:
491 The feasts at Albert Gate was g
Page 493 and 494:
493 The bushy Squirrel with his hal
Page 495 and 496:
495 What color they will wake!-- Th
Page 497 and 498:
497 Reader, I have sung my song! Th
Page 499 and 500:
499 Or in vernacular JACKASSES? 'Ti
Page 501 and 502:
501 To be Doctored! Salts! Senna an
Page 503 and 504:
503 Although a man of elegant acqui
Page 505 and 506:
505 The sum had ris'n to two-and-tw
Page 507 and 508:
507 Revealed the book was forged--f
Page 509 and 510:
509 Know then that I have burnt my
Page 511 and 512:
511 Must we our steeds or chariots
Page 513 and 514:
513 Touching your respectiful beave
Page 515 and 516:
515 Very nearly ohopp'd his toes of
Page 517 and 518:
517 Come, sit upon my knee, And lis
Page 519 and 520:
519 He will pass beside the stream,
Page 521 and 522:
521 Novels three-volumed I shall wr
Page 523 and 524:
523 Dost thou remember, when with s
Page 525 and 526:
525 Who would pay a tailor's bill?
Page 527 and 528:
527 Shall hail the soldier's Empero
Page 529 and 530:
529 II. TARQUIN AND THE AUGUR. Ging
Page 531 and 532:
531 That is like padding to earth's
Page 533 and 534:
533 Intending, the rascally son of
Page 535 and 536:
535 And hold 'em there as fast as b
Page 537 and 538:
537 Hardy, thy brain is valiant, 't
Page 539 and 540:
539 Hypocrisy will serve as well To
Page 541 and 542:
541 And leaves the true ones in the
Page 543 and 544:
543 GOOD WRITING. As 'tis a greater
Page 545 and 546:
545 To make up one great tyranny; A
Page 547 and 548:
547 They tread on stars, and talk w
Page 549 and 550:
549 What a frail thing is beauty! s
Page 551 and 552:
551 EPIGRAMS OF ALEXANDER POPE. ON
Page 553 and 554:
553 His window scrawled by every ra
Page 555 and 556:
555 But what was very choice and ra
Page 557 and 558:
557 "A slave to crowds, scorch'd wi
Page 559 and 560:
559 "Had Cain been Scot, God would
Page 561 and 562:
561 The Holy Scripture says, "All f
Page 563 and 564:
563 In SIMILE if I may shine agen-
Page 565 and 566:
565 ON JOHN DOVE INNKEEPER OF MAUCH
Page 567 and 568:
567 And HALF the town cried, "What
Page 569 and 570:
569 Were you fix'd on one's funeral
Page 571 and 572:
571 In Clon, the town of monks and
Page 573 and 574:
573 That from under one hood you la
Page 575 and 576:
575 TO MISS ----- With woman's form
Page 577 and 578:
577 Though so oft she has snapp'd a
Page 579 and 580:
579 Death, weary of so dull a write
Page 581 and 582:
581 Why thus with woe and care rent
Page 583 and 584:
583 EPIGRAMS OF BARHAM. ON THE WIND
Page 585 and 586:
585 Then mix and DErange them in gr
Page 587 and 588:
587 EPIGRAMS BY W. SAVAGE LANDOR ON
Page 589 and 590:
589 INQUEST--NOT EXTRAORDINARY. Gre
Page 591 and 592:
591 By turnpike roads when mortals
Page 593 and 594:
593 "Take Chitty!" replied his lega
Page 595 and 596:
595 MAMMA He's but in his thirty-si
Page 597 and 598:
597 A glass of wine amazingly--enli
Page 599 and 600:
599 Has an acute eye; No lass so fi
Page 601 and 602:
601 Knows he that never took a pinc
Page 603 and 604:
603 IV. He took so much of Lundy-fo
Page 605 and 606:
605 Lean as a rake, with sighs and
Page 607 and 608:
607 REMINISCENCES OP A SENTIMENTALI
Page 609 and 610:
609 Were all crying--I think it was
Page 611 and 612:
611 He soon was off his legs! And t
Page 613 and 614:
613 When their erose a cirkimstance
Page 615 and 616:
615 O, a weary day was that For Jac
Page 617 and 618:
617 Mrs. Roney's best linning gownd
Page 619 and 620:
619 You're so like my Sister Sally,
Page 621 and 622:
621 Like a true and galliant feller
Page 623 and 624:
623 The ancient towers of Trim; And
Page 625 and 626:
625 His hinterview was done. So let
Page 627 and 628:
627 Never, never back again did tha
Page 629 and 630:
629 Thou wondthrous youth, What sth
Page 631 and 632:
631 There's fountains there And cro
Page 633 and 634:
633 Did I compose From May time to
Page 635 and 636:
635 "Bless railroads everywhere," I
Page 637 and 638:
637 'em; How dreffle slick he reele
Page 639 and 640:
639 An' there's another thing I kno
Page 641 and 642:
641 O' chances ez to ware they'll s
Page 643 and 644:
643 I du believe in Freedom's cause
Page 645 and 646:
645 I du believe in bein' this Or t
Page 647 and 648:
647 IL vaiL I sue, I oLly wiL FroB
Page 649 and 650:
649 The man as lectured, now, WAS d
Page 651 and 652:
651 AN INVITATION TO THE ZOOLOGICAL
Page 653 and 654:
653 A "SWELL'S" HOMAGE TO MRS. STOW
Page 655 and 656:
655 In detail at last the pwopaty i
Page 657 and 658:
657 My fare!--wot, that! Yer knocks
Page 659 and 660:
659 Bumptuous [19] Colin quickly sa
Page 661 and 662:
661 21. "Come down," disburse; also
Page 663 and 664:
663 crank, the Chapling comes into
Page 665 and 666:
665 Change hands, ma'am; Celere--ru
Page 667 and 668:
667 Then loses one, then gets two m
Page 669 and 670:
669 What will raise your admiration
Page 671 and 672:
671 To slit my tongue and make me s
Page 673 and 674:
673 Every brother else reposes. If
Page 675 and 676:
675 ON A CORKSCREW. Though I, alas!
Page 677 and 678:
677 One of us you'll find in jet. T
Page 679 and 680:
679 took in every thing like a pawn
Page 681 and 682:
681 and his coadjutors did a real s
Page 683 and 684:
683 syllables the most intractable,
Page 685 and 686:
685 strange fate to flash all at on
Page 687 and 688:
687 DEVREAUX, S. H.--An American sc
Page 689 and 690:
689 LESSING, GOTTHOLD EPHRAIM--The
Page 691 and 692:
691 manuscript copy--but it was har
Page 693 and 694:
693 and his fellow-students and int
Page 695 and 696:
695 merited) the significant honor
Page 697 and 698:
697 double-page cut, entitled "Mr.
Page 699 and 700:
699 vanity of our own, but to encou
Page 701 and 702:
701 Salad," and an epigram, we have
Page 703:
703 the ancient or modern school, h
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