The Humourous Poetry of the English Language

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560 A shabby fellow chanc'd one day to meet The British Roscius in the street, Garrick, on whom our nation justly brags-- The fellow hugg'd him with a kind embrace-- "Good sir, I do not recollect your face," Quoth Garrick--"No!" replied the man of rags. "The boards of Drury you and I have trod Full many a time together, I am sure--" "When?" with an oath, cried Garrick--"for by G-- I never saw that face of yours before!-- What characters, I pray, Did you and I together play?" "Lord!" quoth the fellow, "think not that I mock-- When you play'd Hamlet, sir--I play'd the cock" ON THE CONCLUSION OF HIS ODES "FINISH'D!" a disappointed artist cries, With open mouth, and straining eyes; Gaping for praise like a young crow for meat-- "Lord! why have you not mentioned ME!" Mention THEE! Thy IMPUDENCE hath put me in a SWEAT-- What rage for fame attends both great and small Better be D--N'D, than mention'd NOT AT ALL! THE LEX TALIONIS UPON BENJAMIN WEST West tells the world that Peter can not rhyme-- Peter declares, point blank, that West can't paint. West swears I've not an atom of sublime-- I swear he hath no notion of a saint; And that his cross-wing'd cherubim are fowls, Baptized by naturalists, owls: Half of the meek apostles, gangs of robbers; His angels, sets of brazen-headed lubbers.
561 The Holy Scripture says, "All flesh is grass," With Mr. West, all flesh is brick and brass; Except his horse-flesh, that I fairly own Is often of the choicest Portland stone. I've said it too, that this artist's faces Ne'er paid a visit to the graces: That on expression he can never brag: Yet for this article hath he been studying, But in it never could surpass a pudding- No, gentle reader, nor a pudding-bag. I dare not say, that Mr. West Can not sound criticism impart: I'm told the man with technicals is blest, That he can talk a deal upon the art; Yes, he can talk, I do not doubt it-- "About it, goddess, and about it." Thus, then, is Mr. West deserving praise-- And let my justice the fair laud afford; For, lo! this far-fam'd artist cuts both ways, Exactly like the angel Gabriel's sword; The beauties of the art his CONVERSE shows, His CANVAS almost ev'ry thing that's bad! Thus at th' Academy, we must suppose, A man more useful never could be had: Who in himself, a host, so much can do; Who is both precept and example too! BARRY'S ATTACK UPON SIR JOSHUA REYNOLDS When Barry dares the President to fly on, 'Tis like a mouse, that, work'd into a rage Daring some dreadful war to wage, Nibbles the tail of the Nemaean lion. Or like a louse, of mettle full, Nurs'd in some giant's skull--
Page 1 and 2:
1 James Parton The Humourous Poetry
Page 3 and 4:
3 them claim to a place in a collec
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5 NARRATIVE. Take thy Old Cloak abo
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7 The Yankee Volunteer Thackeray Co
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9 The Last Appendix to Yankee Doodl
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11 Smatterers Bad Writers The Opini
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13 To a Liar Mendax The Bad Wife Th
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15 The Amende Honorable The Czar Ba
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17 On the Moon On Ink On a Circle O
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19 TO CHLOE. AN APOLOGY FOR GOING I
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21 Now turnest--on the table making
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23 WRITTEN WHEN THE AUTHOR WAS GRIE
Page 25 and 26:
25 Those eyes have taught the lover
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27 Profusely scattered, lodges in i
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29 Scent to match thy rich perfume
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31 And the suburbs of thy graces; A
Page 33 and 34:
33 Who the deuce can harbor there?"
Page 35 and 36:
35 When you swear that you'll love
Page 37 and 38:
37 Where are they all, so sweet, so
Page 39 and 40:
39 'Twould tempt the dying anchorit
Page 41 and 42:
41 A few coats, waistcoats, and sma
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43 Ay, here stands the Poplar, so t
Page 45 and 46:
45 In short, whatever panegyrics li
Page 47 and 48:
47 Lo there what mixed conditions r
Page 49 and 50:
49 Twelve years ago I was a boy, A
Page 51 and 52:
51 Had turned our parish topsy-turv
Page 53 and 54:
53 And share the widow's homelier p
Page 55 and 56:
55 If chairs have but feeling in ho
Page 57 and 58:
57 Marbles or tops are games of tru
Page 59 and 60:
59 And China Bloom at best is sorry
Page 61 and 62:
61 Of "good society" the golden key
Page 63 and 64:
63 Chip hat without flower or feath
Page 65 and 66:
65 There was no answer, and I took
Page 67 and 68:
67 OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES. I wrote s
Page 69 and 70:
69 While thus he was strolling arou
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71 Who'll steal some morning to her
Page 73 and 74:
73 Wee have brought them up to wome
Page 75 and 76:
75 But if you will give me but thre
Page 77 and 78:
77 The king he laughed, and swore b
Page 79 and 80:
79 A flower there is, that shineth
Page 81 and 82:
81 Sir knight, now I'm your betters
Page 83 and 84:
83 The neighboring woods and lawns
Page 85 and 86:
85 No Welchman knew, or lov'd it be
Page 87 and 88:
87 And with such ease began the hai
Page 89 and 90:
89 ECONOMY. PETER PINDAR. Economy's
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91 He shall paint ME--I am determin
Page 93 and 94:
93 Reader, If e'er thy bosom felt a
Page 95 and 96:
95 "But, brother sinner, pray expla
Page 97 and 98:
97 Nature perhaps herself had cast
Page 99 and 100:
99 And, doubtful what, with prudent
Page 101 and 102:
101 Disputants often after hot deba
Page 103 and 104:
103 Their names, little friends, I
Page 105 and 106:
105 "Mother," said he, "I am glad y
Page 107 and 108:
107 The heads saw their way to the
Page 109 and 110:
109 So, with all honors that might
Page 111 and 112:
111 Most dutiful of wives, Saint He
Page 113 and 114:
113 So great would be the supply. A
Page 115 and 116:
115 The Hakim Ibrahim INSTANTER bro
Page 117 and 118:
117 (Thus did old Fatima bespeak he
Page 119 and 120:
119 (Ere liberal Fashion damn'd bot
Page 121 and 122:
121 Were there nae SPEERINGS of our
Page 123 and 124:
123 Another wise Solomon cries, as
Page 125 and 126:
125 I did not go to Jericho--I went
Page 127 and 128:
127 And when you go to Margate next
Page 129 and 130:
129 For sometimes from the ale-hous
Page 131 and 132:
131 He sinks beneath the unexpected
Page 133 and 134:
133 His gooseberry orbs seem'd as t
Page 135 and 136:
135 I'll mark the spot, and come ag
Page 137 and 138:
137 And she mixes a stiff glass of
Page 139 and 140:
139 Wish to receive a snug party to
Page 141 and 142:
141 "MURDER!! "WHEREAS, a dead gent
Page 143 and 144:
143 Till, as Alderman Curtis told A
Page 145 and 146:
145 MORAL. Now, you grave married P
Page 147 and 148:
147 And she smiled on the Knight, W
Page 149 and 150:
149 Quoth the lady, "Dear sir, no a
Page 151 and 152:
151 As though his abruptness, in "p
Page 153 and 154:
153 Be this as it may, He, I'm sorr
Page 155 and 156:
155 The billows and water-nymphs ro
Page 157 and 158:
157 And amusing himself with his pi
Page 159 and 160:
159 Who depones to her tones, And h
Page 161 and 162:
161 It is not like Talking, It is n
Page 163 and 164:
163 Miss Davis look'd up, Miss Davi
Page 165 and 166:
165 He would carry, and fetch, and
Page 167 and 168:
167 Promulgates his notion Of being
Page 169 and 170:
169 But, Reader, I scorn it--the fa
Page 171 and 172:
171 "O Lord," he thought, "what pai
Page 173 and 174:
173 Was smoking away when they ente
Page 175 and 176:
175 'Tis strange the French prove,
Page 177 and 178:
177 And he lick'd Blogg's hands, an
Page 179 and 180:
179 Had not made Blogg perspire Hal
Page 181 and 182:
181 She had been, in her day A Firs
Page 183 and 184:
183 And,--what was more her fate th
Page 185 and 186:
185 He summoned his physicians To w
Page 187 and 188:
187 "Your grace knows best," the la
Page 189 and 190:
189 And wind that's wondrous sound.
Page 191 and 192:
191 "But thou shalt not be loser, T
Page 193 and 194:
193 Meanwhile a load of guineas ten
Page 195 and 196:
195 I'll cry ye patron-saints of Li
Page 197 and 198:
197 DOUBLE LIGHTS THROW DOUBLE SHAD
Page 199 and 200:
199 Of markets, churches, and of co
Page 201 and 202:
201 I for this conduct had what I d
Page 203 and 204:
203 They would not learn, nor could
Page 205 and 206:
205 When I talk and you are heedles
Page 207 and 208:
207 And could not let a dunce alone
Page 209 and 210:
209 Too zealous for the nation's go
Page 211 and 212:
211 And every virtuous man his brot
Page 213 and 214:
213 Clouds keep the stoutest mortal
Page 215 and 216:
215 In garden-silks, brocades, and
Page 217 and 218:
217 THE RAZOR SELLER. PETER PINDAR.
Page 219 and 220:
219 Particularly in a storm, Where,
Page 221 and 222:
221 Whenever Monsieur Ketch applied
Page 223 and 224:
223 Knows naught of smile, and nod,
Page 225 and 226:
225 I do affirm it, Mister Jay, ind
Page 227 and 228:
227 This little anecdote doth plain
Page 229 and 230:
229 Like lightning dost thou fly, w
Page 231 and 232:
231 That thou a pair of horns hadst
Page 233 and 234:
233 The rich, the proud, the potent
Page 235 and 236:
235 Though dropped her jaw, her lip
Page 237 and 238:
237 For God's sake gently tread the
Page 239 and 240:
239 As for the tender-conscienced j
Page 241 and 242:
241 The youths would search the bos
Page 243 and 244:
243 Fed upon straw--straw it may ea
Page 245 and 246:
245 Then shifting his side (as a la
Page 247 and 248:
247 * * * * * May be thou lets this
Page 249 and 250:
249 Look something to your credit;
Page 251 and 252:
251 Thence mystic knots mak great a
Page 253 and 254:
253 From his brimstone bed at break
Page 255 and 256:
255 For I myself sate like a Cormor
Page 257 and 258:
257 Many irons, my sire, have we in
Page 259 and 260:
259 And the other when he heard it
Page 261 and 262:
261 And if seeking an illicit conne
Page 263 and 264:
263 Where, after hours in wrangling
Page 265 and 266:
265 Thanks, thanks for the hopes th
Page 267 and 268:
267 And shot, from little devilish
Page 269 and 270:
269 And though 'mong Thibet Tories,
Page 271 and 272:
271 As all, but Frenchmen, think sh
Page 273 and 274:
273 If, when of age, every man in t
Page 275 and 276:
275 Of the man, who for me all this
Page 277 and 278:
277 Set out with Papa, to see Louis
Page 279 and 280:
279 To see Montmorency--that place
Page 281 and 282:
281 And--such a mistake as no morta
Page 283 and 284:
283 This letter, however, dear DOLL
Page 285 and 286:
285 Oppress the toilet and obscure
Page 287 and 288:
287 Should here be compelled to gro
Page 289 and 290:
289 And what see I there?-- In a ru
Page 291 and 292:
291 And never saw Dick's long-tail'
Page 293 and 294:
293 But lo! my rhyme's begun to fai
Page 295 and 296:
295 But what is your opinion, Mrs.
Page 297 and 298:
297 Why, zounds! what raised so Pro
Page 299 and 300:
299 No solemn sanctimonious face I
Page 301 and 302:
301 Like the magnetic needle to the
Page 303 and 304:
303 In riding with a friend to Pond
Page 305 and 306:
305 None of that griffinish excess
Page 307 and 308:
307 A Bird of Paradise?--a pretty s
Page 309 and 310:
309 Why shun, as worthless of affil
Page 311 and 312:
311 He doesn't give no milk--but he
Page 313 and 314:
313 For he quickly laid them flat w
Page 315 and 316:
315 _I_ never had a decent coat-- _
Page 317 and 318:
317 You're his friend--for that he
Page 319 and 320:
319 I lauded Persian roses, Coined
Page 321 and 322:
321 And when she danced--oh, heaven
Page 323 and 324:
323 Our love was like most other lo
Page 325 and 326:
325 And so it is with all The warri
Page 327 and 328:
327 CANTO THE SECOND. MATRIMONY. No
Page 329 and 330:
329 THE LOBSTERS. [Footnote: Appear
Page 331 and 332:
331 Let other swains, upon the best
Page 333 and 334:
333 "My friend," the tourist said,
Page 335 and 336:
335 Art thou alone, thou serpent, o
Page 337 and 338:
337 Some taken up with mesmerism, o
Page 339 and 340:
339 Because a stingy Company for ha
Page 341 and 342:
341 Miserable sinners! Let us be up
Page 343 and 344:
343 Vultures to borrow more. Live a
Page 345 and 346:
345 And Cousin Germans have survive
Page 347 and 348:
347 Thy wretched infant turns his h
Page 349 and 350:
349 Sets all the room a-blaze, Don'
Page 351 and 352:
351 How nations should be ruled, Fr
Page 353 and 354:
353 Whene'er we steam it to Blackwa
Page 355 and 356:
355 By thee upborne, I draw Miltoni
Page 357 and 358:
357 Drew Heliconian streams, ungrat
Page 359 and 360:
359 Drive hence the rude and barbar
Page 361 and 362:
361 Or Sylvia, comely black, with j
Page 363 and 364:
363 So when Amphion bade the lyre T
Page 365 and 366:
365 Having through all the village
Page 367 and 368:
367 The ballads, pasted on the wall
Page 369 and 370:
369 And goes with folks to show the
Page 371 and 372:
371 Dead cats, and turnip-tops, com
Page 373 and 374:
373 Sees swords and bayonets withou
Page 375 and 376:
375 Determined nothing should be do
Page 377 and 378:
377 Look on the humbler sons of ear
Page 379 and 380:
379 "What's this! hae, hae? what's
Page 381 and 382:
381 Here was the king, like hounds
Page 383 and 384:
383 But, Whitbread, what's o'clock,
Page 385 and 386:
385 He thanked however his most gra
Page 387 and 388:
387 "Is this an action, Peter, this
Page 389 and 390:
389 Tuscan and French are in my hea
Page 391 and 392:
391 "I should be glad to drink your
Page 393 and 394:
393 This dungeon that I'm rotting i
Page 395 and 396:
395 Some have denied a soul! THEY N
Page 397 and 398:
397 THE POET EXPATIATES ON THE BEAU
Page 399 and 400:
399 Or let me meet OLD TIME upon hi
Page 401 and 402:
401 The chaise in which poor brothe
Page 403 and 404:
403 Joy to thee, Drury! to myself I
Page 405 and 406:
405 Indeed, indeed, I'm very, very
Page 407 and 408:
407 What various swains our motley
Page 409 and 410:
409 [A BURLESQUE OF SIR WALTER SCOT
Page 411 and 412:
411 To distant fields the blaze was
Page 413 and 414:
413 For, rallying but to fall again
Page 415 and 416:
415 Balmy zephyrs, lightly flitting
Page 417 and 418:
417 And do you ask me, "What is LIF
Page 419 and 420:
419 Into the eye-and then-the FIGHT
Page 421 and 422:
421 Shared in thy boundless sympath
Page 423 and 424:
423 His shadow o'er his brow, and s
Page 425 and 426:
425 'Neath the counterpane just as
Page 427 and 428:
427 Their alma mater not in town; T
Page 429 and 430:
429 On Croker Mountains), to the U-
Page 431 and 432:
431 Thou imp of mirth and joy! In L
Page 433 and 434:
433 Two such nights and I shall die
Page 435 and 436:
435 And split like endive in some h
Page 437 and 438:
437 Doth punning Peake not sit upon
Page 439 and 440:
439 As Rolla he. And as that Innoce
Page 441 and 442:
441 Her sweet and severe To be ever
Page 443 and 444:
443 And sigh'd that our union could
Page 445 and 446:
445 Stiff are the warrior's muscles
Page 447 and 448:
447 A BALLAD OF BEDLAM. PUNCH. O, l
Page 449 and 450:
449 O help me to more gravy still,
Page 451 and 452:
451 Say, BESSY dearest, if you will
Page 453 and 454:
453 On the deck of a steamer; She s
Page 455 and 456:
455 When all from town have gone, I
Page 457 and 458:
457 Another time--years since the l
Page 459 and 460:
459 By YANKEE DOODLE, too, you're b
Page 461 and 462:
461 And nothing found--some busines
Page 463 and 464:
463 JONES. Oh! nothing. I was only
Page 465 and 466:
465 SCENE.--A Barber's Shop. Barber
Page 467 and 468:
467 [Another pause ensues, during w
Page 469 and 470:
469 Hover a cabstand. Whereby if we
Page 471 and 472:
471 But on a hot dish let it rest,
Page 473 and 474:
473 Of Beignets there's none like t
Page 475 and 476:
475 Mutton chops, and onion slice,
Page 477 and 478:
477 And let them stand and settle f
Page 479 and 480:
479 Take from the cellar of salt a
Page 481 and 482:
481 The soup from the fire I move.
Page 483 and 484:
483 For your jug of Barley Water ('
Page 485 and 486:
485 Set all to rights again. I give
Page 487 and 488:
487 The youngest of our three Will
Page 489 and 490:
489 At Dedmanton his loving wife, O
Page 491 and 492:
491 The feasts at Albert Gate was g
Page 493 and 494:
493 The bushy Squirrel with his hal
Page 495 and 496:
495 What color they will wake!-- Th
Page 497 and 498:
497 Reader, I have sung my song! Th
Page 499 and 500:
499 Or in vernacular JACKASSES? 'Ti
Page 501 and 502:
501 To be Doctored! Salts! Senna an
Page 503 and 504:
503 Although a man of elegant acqui
Page 505 and 506:
505 The sum had ris'n to two-and-tw
Page 507 and 508:
507 Revealed the book was forged--f
Page 509 and 510: 509 Know then that I have burnt my
Page 511 and 512: 511 Must we our steeds or chariots
Page 513 and 514: 513 Touching your respectiful beave
Page 515 and 516: 515 Very nearly ohopp'd his toes of
Page 517 and 518: 517 Come, sit upon my knee, And lis
Page 519 and 520: 519 He will pass beside the stream,
Page 521 and 522: 521 Novels three-volumed I shall wr
Page 523 and 524: 523 Dost thou remember, when with s
Page 525 and 526: 525 Who would pay a tailor's bill?
Page 527 and 528: 527 Shall hail the soldier's Empero
Page 529 and 530: 529 II. TARQUIN AND THE AUGUR. Ging
Page 531 and 532: 531 That is like padding to earth's
Page 533 and 534: 533 Intending, the rascally son of
Page 535 and 536: 535 And hold 'em there as fast as b
Page 537 and 538: 537 Hardy, thy brain is valiant, 't
Page 539 and 540: 539 Hypocrisy will serve as well To
Page 541 and 542: 541 And leaves the true ones in the
Page 543 and 544: 543 GOOD WRITING. As 'tis a greater
Page 545 and 546: 545 To make up one great tyranny; A
Page 547 and 548: 547 They tread on stars, and talk w
Page 549 and 550: 549 What a frail thing is beauty! s
Page 551 and 552: 551 EPIGRAMS OF ALEXANDER POPE. ON
Page 553 and 554: 553 His window scrawled by every ra
Page 555 and 556: 555 But what was very choice and ra
Page 557 and 558: 557 "A slave to crowds, scorch'd wi
Page 559: 559 "Had Cain been Scot, God would
Page 563 and 564: 563 In SIMILE if I may shine agen-
Page 565 and 566: 565 ON JOHN DOVE INNKEEPER OF MAUCH
Page 567 and 568: 567 And HALF the town cried, "What
Page 569 and 570: 569 Were you fix'd on one's funeral
Page 571 and 572: 571 In Clon, the town of monks and
Page 573 and 574: 573 That from under one hood you la
Page 575 and 576: 575 TO MISS ----- With woman's form
Page 577 and 578: 577 Though so oft she has snapp'd a
Page 579 and 580: 579 Death, weary of so dull a write
Page 581 and 582: 581 Why thus with woe and care rent
Page 583 and 584: 583 EPIGRAMS OF BARHAM. ON THE WIND
Page 585 and 586: 585 Then mix and DErange them in gr
Page 587 and 588: 587 EPIGRAMS BY W. SAVAGE LANDOR ON
Page 589 and 590: 589 INQUEST--NOT EXTRAORDINARY. Gre
Page 591 and 592: 591 By turnpike roads when mortals
Page 593 and 594: 593 "Take Chitty!" replied his lega
Page 595 and 596: 595 MAMMA He's but in his thirty-si
Page 597 and 598: 597 A glass of wine amazingly--enli
Page 599 and 600: 599 Has an acute eye; No lass so fi
Page 601 and 602: 601 Knows he that never took a pinc
Page 603 and 604: 603 IV. He took so much of Lundy-fo
Page 605 and 606: 605 Lean as a rake, with sighs and
Page 607 and 608: 607 REMINISCENCES OP A SENTIMENTALI
Page 609 and 610: 609 Were all crying--I think it was
Page 611 and 612:
611 He soon was off his legs! And t
Page 613 and 614:
613 When their erose a cirkimstance
Page 615 and 616:
615 O, a weary day was that For Jac
Page 617 and 618:
617 Mrs. Roney's best linning gownd
Page 619 and 620:
619 You're so like my Sister Sally,
Page 621 and 622:
621 Like a true and galliant feller
Page 623 and 624:
623 The ancient towers of Trim; And
Page 625 and 626:
625 His hinterview was done. So let
Page 627 and 628:
627 Never, never back again did tha
Page 629 and 630:
629 Thou wondthrous youth, What sth
Page 631 and 632:
631 There's fountains there And cro
Page 633 and 634:
633 Did I compose From May time to
Page 635 and 636:
635 "Bless railroads everywhere," I
Page 637 and 638:
637 'em; How dreffle slick he reele
Page 639 and 640:
639 An' there's another thing I kno
Page 641 and 642:
641 O' chances ez to ware they'll s
Page 643 and 644:
643 I du believe in Freedom's cause
Page 645 and 646:
645 I du believe in bein' this Or t
Page 647 and 648:
647 IL vaiL I sue, I oLly wiL FroB
Page 649 and 650:
649 The man as lectured, now, WAS d
Page 651 and 652:
651 AN INVITATION TO THE ZOOLOGICAL
Page 653 and 654:
653 A "SWELL'S" HOMAGE TO MRS. STOW
Page 655 and 656:
655 In detail at last the pwopaty i
Page 657 and 658:
657 My fare!--wot, that! Yer knocks
Page 659 and 660:
659 Bumptuous [19] Colin quickly sa
Page 661 and 662:
661 21. "Come down," disburse; also
Page 663 and 664:
663 crank, the Chapling comes into
Page 665 and 666:
665 Change hands, ma'am; Celere--ru
Page 667 and 668:
667 Then loses one, then gets two m
Page 669 and 670:
669 What will raise your admiration
Page 671 and 672:
671 To slit my tongue and make me s
Page 673 and 674:
673 Every brother else reposes. If
Page 675 and 676:
675 ON A CORKSCREW. Though I, alas!
Page 677 and 678:
677 One of us you'll find in jet. T
Page 679 and 680:
679 took in every thing like a pawn
Page 681 and 682:
681 and his coadjutors did a real s
Page 683 and 684:
683 syllables the most intractable,
Page 685 and 686:
685 strange fate to flash all at on
Page 687 and 688:
687 DEVREAUX, S. H.--An American sc
Page 689 and 690:
689 LESSING, GOTTHOLD EPHRAIM--The
Page 691 and 692:
691 manuscript copy--but it was har
Page 693 and 694:
693 and his fellow-students and int
Page 695 and 696:
695 merited) the significant honor
Page 697 and 698:
697 double-page cut, entitled "Mr.
Page 699 and 700:
699 vanity of our own, but to encou
Page 701 and 702:
701 Salad," and an epigram, we have
Page 703:
703 the ancient or modern school, h
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