MY BELOVED IS MINE AND I AM HIS: SELF-KNOWLEDGE IN THE ...

efore the eyes of his brothers: “He is eager not to be better, but to be seen to be better,
not to lead a better life, but to be seen to lead a better life, that he might be able to say, ‘I
am not like the rest of men’ (Lk 18:11).” 205
For Bernard, then, the monk who has descended as far as the step of singularity
has altogether ceased to seek the Truth in himself by humble and honest self-judgment
before God. He is no longer concerned, that is, to discover whether he is truly holy or to
pursue true holiness by his fidelity to the regular, common life commanded by his Rule.
On the contrary, his every glace, his every word, and his every deed are calculated to win
from his brothers the honor and esteem he requires to sustain his still tenuous delusions
of superior holiness. In one exceptionally vivid passage, concerning the singular monk’s
practice at meals, Bernard shows how the monk’s obsessive desire to appear holier than
all leads even to the most extreme forms of self-contempt:
While at meals he often glances around the other tables. If he sees
that anyone is eating less than he is, he despises himself for being
outdone. So he begins cruelly to deprive himself of the food he
once thought necessary, more afraid of some detriment to his
reputation than the pains of hunger. If he sees anyone more
emaciated, more pallid then himself, he considers himself
worthless, and never rests. Since he cannot see his own face or
how he appears before others, he looks at his hands and arms, feels
his ribs, his shoulders, and his loins, that from the condition of his
body he might judge the pallor and color of his face. 206
205 Hum 42 (III, 48-49): “Non melius vivere, sed videri vincere gestit, quatenus dicere possit:
NON SUM SICUT CETERI HOMINUM.”
206 Hum 42 (III, 49): “Inter prandendum crebro solet oculos iactare per mensas, ut si quem minus
comedere viderit, victum se doleat, et incipiat idipsum sibi crudeliter subtrahere, quod necessarium victui
indulgendum praeviderat, plus gloriae metuens detrimentum quam famis cruciatum Si quem macriorem, si
quem pallidiorem perspexerit, vilem se aestimat, numquam requiescit. Et quoniam vultum ipse suum
videre non potest, qualem scilicet se intuentibus offert, manus, quas potest, et brachia spectans, palpat
costas, humeros attrectat et lumbos, ut secundum quod corporis sui membra, vel minus, vel satis exilia
probat, pallorem ac colorem oris discernat.”
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