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incompetent. For example, Lillian, a retired teacher and patient, told me I
seemed in control, concise and commanding. This was not the picture I
had of myself rather I felt dithery, compelled to check out what I was doing
with the permanent staff, meek and slow most of the time. Lillian told me
she could tell I had a lot of experience. I chatted to her about my past and
why I was updating my nursing skills. The next day I was taking the
redivac drain out of her neck. I didn‘t see the stitch under the white plastic
cover so I tried pulling the drain out and realised this was hurting her which
it shouldn‘t have done. I went to get Teresa, an experienced staff nurse,
for her opinion and she hadn‘t seen a drain like this before either. I
suppose this made me feel a bit better nevertheless; I still, felt awkward
and foolish when Lillian said ―I think it‟s stitched‖. I hadn‘t considered this
so I apologised, cut the stitch and removed the drain.
Writing about this experience later made me feel better because I was
able to let go of the emotion triggered by my mistake. I stopped thinking
about the incident over and over again in my head and getting it out of all
proportion. In processing the experience I was able to look at my
communication with Lillian. She had told me to stop worrying about hurting
her and I had joked that I really needed to update my nursing skills and
wasn‘t so in control as she had first thought. In being straight with her
about the incident and not trying to cover up the mistake I think she
appreciated my honesty. Now I see this as an example of using my
vulnerability as strength. I did not get defensive. I did not try to justify
myself although I found comfort when the staff nurse was also not sure
what to do. I was still uncomfortable about the ethical component and
expectation that as a nurse I was not to harm patients. I wonder now if
Lillian experienced a minimising of the power relationship in this process
through my admission of vulnerability.
Lois raised a useful question in her final interview (7/3/06) when we were
discussing using our vulnerability as strength: could it be a smokescreen
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