Confessions of an IT Manager_Phil Factor

76 Click-A-Crematorium
crematoriums in the country for your departed loved one. If, one supposes, one
felt the angels calling, one could surf the brochures extolling the sylvan glades
of the memorial parks, or read with wonder the technology of the furnaces, and
book one's spot. There were others too, such as a curry home-delivery service
wherever you lived in the UK.
We made the mistake, at first, of either collapsing into giggles, or of telling
them that they had more hope of becoming the next pope than of getting their
ideas to work. We were upset at the thought of the wasted money and work that
would be the inevitable consequence of their determination to go ahead with
their schemes, and we tried to dissuade them. They were extraordinarily
offended and immediately ascribed our contrary opinion to our stupidity, or to a
cunning scheme by us to steal their ideas. The bankers reproached us for our
lack of tact, especially as they'd thought the ideas to be the best of the bunch.
We needed a more subtle approach. One of our fellow panel members was
completely caught up in the zeitgeist and seemed to genuinely believe in most
of the ideas put before us. He positively glowed with enthusiasm at every
presentation and usually had to be drawn to one side for a dose of realityserum.
I hit upon the idea of following his lead. From that point on, we aped his
enthusiasm, and expressed our unqualified praise and admiration for the ideas
presented to us, however bizarre or misguided they were.
At the end of the meeting, we would reiterate the deep impression their
ideas had had on us, shake them solemnly by the hand and ask to see their
detailed business plan so that we could move on to the next phase
Business Plan? Invariably, they agreed with slightly glassy smiles. Without
exception we never heard from them again. Mostly, the effort of the task
repelled them so much that they abandoned their schemes, but a few did their
plans and discovered with shock that, even if all went well, there were some
noughts missing in the profit figures.
I was, of course, careful to double-check with the subsequent progress of all
the schemes that we'd reviewed. To get it wrong would have been unforgivable.
They had all disappeared within a year.
However, I still have nagging doubts about that 'Click a Crematorium' idea.
Maybe it was a good idea, just before its time. My aunt arranged her own burial
once she knew that her death was imminent. It was a wonderful event, with a
wicker coffin, in romantic woodland in the depths of the country. She found the
Internet perfect for her task, and the planning of it provided her with much
interest in her declining days. An elderly neighbour of mine, when arranging
his mother's funeral, discovered that he could get a discount if he did his at the
same time, and he has proudly showed me his tombstone in the churchyard,