Suckers - J.A. Konrath

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this gentleman is sounding depressed and homicidal?" "I know I can! I spent days practicing for that audition! I spend days practicing for every audition! So why the hell don’t I ever get the part?" He picked up the butcher knife. "Huh? Tell me why I never get the part?" I said the first thing that popped into my mind: "Because... you have...you’ve got...um, facial features...that...that...you know, they aren’t traditional...and...and...and...you know how Robert De Niro doesn’t really look like a movie star, but he’s famous, but it probably took a long time because he doesn’t...you know...he’s got that mole and people who make movies took a while to figure out how good he was, but now they all love him...that’s you...you’re like Robert De Niro." "Yeah," said Roger. Dennis considered that. "De Niro is a god to me." "He’s a god to everybody," I said. "So you just have to keep trying and someday you’ll be the next De Niro." "But he won the Academy Award for Godfather II when he was barely thirty years old! I’m forty-six!" "Well, he probably had a better agent," said Roger. Dennis raised the butcher knife. "I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’m going to give the performance of a lifetime. They always say I should be more real. Well, I’ll show them just how real I can be! They’ll have a pretty hard time saying I’m not real when I gut one of you with this knife, don’t you think?" Though I admittedly couldn’t find any holes in his theory, it wasn’t a plan of action that I wanted to encourage. "Look, just let us go," I said, as Roger and I cautiously backed toward the door. "We won’t say anything." "If you don’t say anything, that wrecks the whole point!" said Dennis, swishing the butcher knife through the air. "I can either go lie in the bathtub, slit my wrists, and die in obscurity, or I can kill one of you and go to prison a celebrity! I sure as hell will get a role in the prison Thanksgiving pageant, that’s for sure!" He took a menacing step forward, and I suddenly relaxed. He was still acting. This was all payback for the phone call prank. He was just trying to scare a couple of whippersnappers, to teach us the error of our ways, to provide a life lesson that would suit us well as we entered maturity. 114
"I think I’ll kill..." Dennis hesitated, looking back and forth between Roger and I, and then pointed the knife at me. "You." He rushed forward. I still kind of thought he might be trying to help me with my development of a moral core, but my bladder disagreed. There wasn’t time to get the door open, so we rushed across the living room into the kitchen, screaming, with Dennis right behind us. "Does this seem real? Are you scared?" Though of course we couldn’t have known the floor plan to Dennis’ home beforehand, it still sucked to discover that the kitchen was a dead end. I grabbed the first available object to defend myself. In a kitchen that no doubt contained knives, forks, meat cleavers, tenderizers, cheese graters, and rolling pins, I felt a little silly trying to be intimidating with a plastic measuring cup, but, hey, sometimes you just have to make the best of things. "My uncle knows a Hollywood producer," Roger said. "He can get you a big part, I promise." "Oh yeah? What’s his name?" "Uncle Phil." "The producer’s name, jackass." "Ummm..." "Don’t try to out-act me, kid. And don’t worry, you’re not the one who’s going to die tonight. You’re just the audience." "Then you can’t kill me until we make some popcorn," I said. Dennis raised an eyebrow. "You’re moments away from a horrible, painful death and you’re able to make a joke about popcorn?" I shrugged. It had kind of surprised me, too. Dennis grinned and pointed the knife at Roger. "Maybe I should kill him instead and make you the audience." "No!" Roger protested. "I want the popcorn!" Dennis shook his head. "No, I need to go with my original instinct. That’s what they tell you in acting school. Go with your instincts." He gestured at Roger with the knife. "Step out of the way." "No." 115
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SUCKERS by J.A. Konrath & Jeff Stra
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CONTENTS Introduction by Joe Konrat
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Suckers is a novella I co-wrote wit
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spillover, and there are some parts
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“Tell me a little about Marcus, M
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I checked my watch. 11:09. I attemp
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“Did you bring the money?” “I
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“Then I turn Julia into a set of
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“I’ll take those Tic-Tacs, too.
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He shook his head, terrified. “Sp
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your girl, or talked behind your ba
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was hard to tell under the jacket,
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"Is it just about the money, though
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—stopping a few inches from my no
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"I think there's one in the fridge.
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Mrs. Garbonzo had never been to a p
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She leaned down to kiss me. Not wan
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“If you stay out in the sun, the
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I considered hitting him again, but
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him and a bullet.” “So what the
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agger.” “A double-bagger?”
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maybe it was a den, and then I woun
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“Sorry. Had to check.” Marietta
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“Hello, Mr. McGlade.” “Happy
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A BIT OF HALLOWEEN MAYHEM An Andrew
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"Hi, Roger," I said. My best friend
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Jarvis was still there, watching th
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"So would running through the Chamb
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said hi!" Roger and I got out of th
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yourself! Reveal your spectral pres
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Roger?" "Not me!" said Becky. "Not
Page 64 and 65: I walked slowly, carefully, making
Page 66 and 67: his knees. "I'm sorry," he said, gi
Page 68 and 69: The police never did find him. And
Page 70 and 71: “It’s my job to know, ma’am.
Page 72 and 73: face too, like Richard Dreyfuss in
Page 74 and 75: Why was I so edgy? Had my subconsci
Page 76 and 77: school actually existed. But it did
Page 78 and 79: seconds. When I finally reached the
Page 80 and 81: and a pair of eyes stared out at me
Page 82 and 83: I tried to pull away, but these mon
Page 84 and 85: how disgustingly horrible it was. I
Page 86 and 87: made my way to the exit before the
Page 88 and 89: card for $260. The card had some te
Page 90 and 91: like a Pepperidge Farm County Style
Page 92 and 93: “No.” I noticed she had some or
Page 94 and 95: air guitar, broke an air string, pu
Page 96 and 97: store. The knots were tight, expert
Page 98 and 99: I go to the cops, and you get put i
Page 100 and 101: Incredibly, he stopped. “What?”
Page 102 and 103: “Don’t be coy. This could be a
Page 104 and 105: Tim, who was my best friend in Ms.
Page 106 and 107: As we walked home from school, Roge
Page 108 and 109: "Then...I dunno, do something to de
Page 110 and 111: "He’s practicing for a play audit
Page 112 and 113: And then an answer: "Leave me alone
Page 116 and 117: "No?" Dennis asked. Roger shook his
Page 118 and 119: SUCKERS A Harry McGlade/Andrew Mayh
Page 120 and 121: she's the kind of person who would
Page 122 and 123: "I know she looks different," Phoeb
Page 124 and 125: "Neither do I. So my only alternati
Page 126 and 127: The man aimed his penlight back at
Page 128 and 129: ut this was the first one to take p
Page 130 and 131: starter cord. "You're at least goin
Page 132 and 133: "Honored, huh?" I said, though in m
Page 134 and 135: "Yes," somebody replied. My heart g
Page 136 and 137: let the ladies take what they wante
Page 138 and 139: with lunging fangs got a Moe-style
Page 140 and 141: Andrew "Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Hee
Page 142 and 143: giggled with her. I, myself, did no
Page 144 and 145: If life were indeed like a box of c
Page 146 and 147: "I didn’t leave her! I was kidnap
Page 148 and 149: ag off the IV stand, and then plodd
Page 150 and 151: Correction #3: Dan didn't even have
Page 152 and 153: You know, Ann somebody, the one who
Page 154 and 155: - 10 - Harry "Keeeyaaaa!" I struck
Page 156 and 157: —Harrison Harold McGlade, Chicago
Page 158 and 159: Harry McGlade's stupidity saved his
Page 160 and 161: INTERVIEW Jeff Strand interviews Jo
Page 162 and 163: Jeff: Jim Varney is dead, and I’l
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Jeff: What about them? I’m not su
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Jeff: -and we’re out of time for
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Read the Andrew Mayhem series by Je
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Suckers - J.A. Konrath

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