Suckers - J.A. Konrath

“No problem. Fetch the bicycle pump!”
Someone brought over a bike pump, complete with needle tip. The head monk fussed
around with the poor dead guy’s junk, then pushed the needle into the pee hole at the shriveled
tip. I had an anti-erection, my dick actually retreating into my body as I watched.
He began to pump. And, incredibly, the corpse’s johnson responded by filling out in length
and width, until it stuck up like a tent pole. The monk kept pumping, and then the scrotum
inflated. First apple-sized. Then grapefruit. Then soccer ball. I winced, waiting for the POP, but
he quit before it got to medicine ball proportions. Which is a good thing, because balls that big
would be bad medicine indeed.
“This is wrong on so many levels,” I said.
Someone stuck a tube of KY into my hand, the head monk said, “Have fun,” and then I was
tossed onto the corpse, the coffin lid slamming closed above me with devastating finality.
Chapter 8
I lied. There isn’t any sodomy in this chapter. Instead, there was a good minute of mindless
screaming panic, followed by a minute of mindless yelling terror, and another two minutes of
unmanly begging.
“We’re not opening up until you finish,” head monk spoke through the coffin lid.
“I’m finished.” I hoped I sounded sincere. “It was fantastic. Best dead sex I ever had.”
He wasn’t buying. “The only way you’re getting out of there is by embracing your
necrophilia. That’s why you came, isn’t it? That’s why we’re all here. To make our fantasies
come true. To taste the forbidden.”
“I tasted it. It’s like rotten meat, and disappointingly unresponsive.”
“We can stay here all night if we have to.”
I collected my thoughts, the sum total of which were Get me the fuck out of here. Then I
calmed down a little. Then I started screaming again. Then calm. Then more screaming. Then
even more screaming.
Finally, I took a deep breath, and really started screaming.
Being hysterical is pretty exhausting, so I took a time-out and tried to rationalize what to do
next, other than scream.
Unfortunately, clearing my head made me even more aware of my current situation, and
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