Suckers - J.A. Konrath

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yourself! Reveal your spectral presence to us mere mortals! Let us gaze upon your ectoplasm from the other side!" Nothing happened. Roger frowned. "Well, he's just being a snot." "Maybe you weren't loud enough." "Yo, Jarvis Taywood!" Roger shouted. "Come on out! Here, ghostie, ghostie, ghostie! Here ghost, c'mon boy!" He let out a dog-calling whistle. "You know, if his ghost really did haunt this place, you're screwed in the afterlife." Suddenly Roger turned toward the doorway. "Did you hear that?" "What?" "Shhh!" "Sorry." "Shhh!" We were both silent for a long moment. "I heard something downstairs," Roger said. "Probably just something trying to force its way into our plane of existence. Don't worry about it." "I don't know what it was. I'm gonna go check it out." "All right, you go downstairs and get killed, I'll investigate up here some more. Meet you in purgatory." "Sounds good," said Roger, leaving the bedroom and heading downstairs. I wandered around the room some more, not quite sure what I thought I was looking for, considering that we were just here on a lark. A stupid lark, at that. I walked out of the bedroom and investigated the bathroom, which was a hotbed of nonexistent paranormal activity. The other bedrooms were just as empty. Still, I couldn't deny that there was something decidedly eerie about this place. I half-expected to see the words "LEAVE OR DIE!!!" appear in blood on the wall at any moment. I nervously turned around and glanced at the wall behind me. There were no words in blood, not even an ad. Why was I so creeped out all of a sudden? And why wasn't I more ashamed of myself for getting creeped out? "Hey, Roger!" I called out. "What'd you find?" 60
No response. "Here, Roger, Roger, Roger! C'mere, boy!" I said, letting out a dog-whistle. Still nothing. Great. As if he hadn't regressed enough by dragging me out here in the first place, now he was playing obnoxious teenager pranks. If I walked downstairs looking for him, he'd probably leap out at me from behind that ugly couch. What a dork. I briefly considered turning the tables on him, letting out a scream of terror and faking my own death (or something comparable). But then I figured that if he actually had heard a noise, it might have been Mrs. Whatever and the kids. Most likely, they were all plotting against me right now, but I didn't want to scare the kids, at least not in a fake-my-own-death kind of way. In a moment of maturity I decided to just walk downstairs and let them jump out. No sense letting things get out of hand. I'd already put myself at more than enough risk of getting in trouble tonight. I casually walked down the stairs, which did creak this time. "Okay, Roger, no more free Froot Loops at my place if you don't come out right now." He didn't answer. I headed toward the sofa, keeping close to the wall so that hopefully I could see behind it before he decided to jump out at me. But he wasn't there. I checked the dining room and kitchen, including the pantry. No sign of him. I quickly checked the rest of the downstairs area. Nothing. Fine. So he left me. I opened the front door, which let out such a loud creak that I wondered if he really could have gotten out without my hearing it. I walked outside, shutting the door behind me, and went over to the van, which I was almost surprised to find was still there. Becky's mom rolled down her window. "Have fun?" "Oh, gobs. Did Roger come out here?" She shook her head. "Not that I saw." "Are you sure?" "Positive." She certainly looked believable enough, but I wasn't about to discount anyone from Roger's sinister plan. "Well, then, he's just being a doofus," I said, walking around and getting in the van. "What about you guys?" I asked, looking back at Theresa, Kyle, and Becky. "Have you seen Uncle 61
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SUCKERS by J.A. Konrath & Jeff Stra
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CONTENTS Introduction by Joe Konrat
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Suckers is a novella I co-wrote wit
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spillover, and there are some parts
Page 10 and 11: “Tell me a little about Marcus, M
Page 12 and 13: I checked my watch. 11:09. I attemp
Page 14 and 15: “Did you bring the money?” “I
Page 16 and 17: “Then I turn Julia into a set of
Page 18 and 19: “I’ll take those Tic-Tacs, too.
Page 20 and 21: He shook his head, terrified. “Sp
Page 22 and 23: your girl, or talked behind your ba
Page 24 and 25: was hard to tell under the jacket,
Page 26 and 27: "Is it just about the money, though
Page 28 and 29: —stopping a few inches from my no
Page 30 and 31: "I think there's one in the fridge.
Page 32 and 33: Mrs. Garbonzo had never been to a p
Page 34 and 35: She leaned down to kiss me. Not wan
Page 36 and 37: “If you stay out in the sun, the
Page 38 and 39: I considered hitting him again, but
Page 40 and 41: him and a bullet.” “So what the
Page 42 and 43: agger.” “A double-bagger?”
Page 44 and 45: maybe it was a den, and then I woun
Page 46 and 47: “Sorry. Had to check.” Marietta
Page 48 and 49: “Hello, Mr. McGlade.” “Happy
Page 50 and 51: A BIT OF HALLOWEEN MAYHEM An Andrew
Page 52 and 53: "Hi, Roger," I said. My best friend
Page 54 and 55: Jarvis was still there, watching th
Page 56 and 57: "So would running through the Chamb
Page 58 and 59: said hi!" Roger and I got out of th
Page 62 and 63: Roger?" "Not me!" said Becky. "Not
Page 64 and 65: I walked slowly, carefully, making
Page 66 and 67: his knees. "I'm sorry," he said, gi
Page 68 and 69: The police never did find him. And
Page 70 and 71: “It’s my job to know, ma’am.
Page 72 and 73: face too, like Richard Dreyfuss in
Page 74 and 75: Why was I so edgy? Had my subconsci
Page 76 and 77: school actually existed. But it did
Page 78 and 79: seconds. When I finally reached the
Page 80 and 81: and a pair of eyes stared out at me
Page 82 and 83: I tried to pull away, but these mon
Page 84 and 85: how disgustingly horrible it was. I
Page 86 and 87: made my way to the exit before the
Page 88 and 89: card for $260. The card had some te
Page 90 and 91: like a Pepperidge Farm County Style
Page 92 and 93: “No.” I noticed she had some or
Page 94 and 95: air guitar, broke an air string, pu
Page 96 and 97: store. The knots were tight, expert
Page 98 and 99: I go to the cops, and you get put i
Page 100 and 101: Incredibly, he stopped. “What?”
Page 102 and 103: “Don’t be coy. This could be a
Page 104 and 105: Tim, who was my best friend in Ms.
Page 106 and 107: As we walked home from school, Roge
Page 108 and 109: "Then...I dunno, do something to de
Page 110 and 111:
"He’s practicing for a play audit
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And then an answer: "Leave me alone
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this gentleman is sounding depresse
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"No?" Dennis asked. Roger shook his
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SUCKERS A Harry McGlade/Andrew Mayh
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she's the kind of person who would
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"I know she looks different," Phoeb
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"Neither do I. So my only alternati
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The man aimed his penlight back at
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ut this was the first one to take p
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starter cord. "You're at least goin
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"Honored, huh?" I said, though in m
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"Yes," somebody replied. My heart g
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let the ladies take what they wante
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with lunging fangs got a Moe-style
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Andrew "Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Hee
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giggled with her. I, myself, did no
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If life were indeed like a box of c
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"I didn’t leave her! I was kidnap
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ag off the IV stand, and then plodd
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Correction #3: Dan didn't even have
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You know, Ann somebody, the one who
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- 10 - Harry "Keeeyaaaa!" I struck
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—Harrison Harold McGlade, Chicago
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Harry McGlade's stupidity saved his
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INTERVIEW Jeff Strand interviews Jo
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Jeff: Jim Varney is dead, and I’l
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Jeff: What about them? I’m not su
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Jeff: -and we’re out of time for
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Read the Andrew Mayhem series by Je
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Suckers - J.A. Konrath

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