Suckers - J.A. Konrath

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Jeff: What about them? I’m not sure what you’re asking. Are you asking which one I’ve spoken to most recently? That would be Jess. I didn’t give her your message, though, because it was kind of creepy. I just did the panting and left it at that. Angelina is busy these days and we mostly talk through Skype. Jack: I like to ask the tough questions. So, if John’s son is my son’s father, what relationship am I to John? Jeff: You’re John’s prison bitch. Duh. Jack: Can you do anything unusual or interesting? I can fit my pinky up my nose all the way to the second knuckle, but I’m scared to go further because I’m touching something squishy that I think is my brain. Jeff: That’s not your brain. And it’s not your nose. Jack: If you were stuck on a desert island and could only have one book, wouldn’t that suck? Jeff: It would. Unless that book was Afraid, by Jack Kiborn. It comes out March 31, you know. Jack: Really? March 31? I should write that down. Being serious for a moment, I loved your novel Pressure, which is possibly the most intense horror novel I’ve ever read. It really gets under your skin, and shows no mercy. Do you find it bizarre that this book, which is getting the most publicity and the biggest print run of all of your books, is so unlike your other work? Jeff: See, I introduced this interview by saying that Afraid was one of the most relentless horror novels I’ve ever read, so now it just looks like we’re giving each other full-contact body rubs. One of us has to withdraw our praise. I guess it’ll be me. I don’t find it bizarre—I worried that my current fans would be disappointed by the decreased humor level (they weren’t) but even while writing it, it was clearly my most mainstream book. Jack: I just read Benjamin’s Parasite, which has all the elements of essential Strand: a luckless hero in over his head, over-the-top gore, outrageous action scenes, funny as hell dialog, and richly developed characters, all of them memorable, the majority of whom don’t survive. You 164
manage to make this hodge-podge of seemingly disparate elements work, and work well. I cared about the protagonist, the book is fast based, scary, and laugh out loud hilarious, and the plot actually makes sense–it isn’t just a strung together collection of comedy sketches. Jeff: Thanks! That’s not a question though, so now we have to sit here in an uncomfortable silence. Jack: … Jeff: … Jack: … Jeff: I have great questions for you and great answers from you regarding Afraid and Jack Kilborn’s second novel, Trapped, but they’ll have to wait for the “serious” interview, which I think I’ll send to FearZone, because FearZone is way cool and has brought readers advance news on Benjamin’s Parasite. Wouldn’t it suck for you if FearZone rejected it? That would be awkward. I’d probably make up some excuse to spare your feelings, like maybe the webmaster died or something. Well, I guess we’ve babbled enough…so what’s that book again? Jack: Afraid. Jeff: Available on…? Jack: March 31st. Jeff: Available in…? Jack: Your local bookstore, or fine online retailers. Jeff: Do you have a website that people should visit for all the latest J.A. <strong>Konrath</strong>/Jack Kilborn news, blog entries that could serve as full Writer’s Digest articles, and more cool stuff than you can wave a monkey at? Jack: Yes. It’s– 165
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SUCKERS by J.A. Konrath & Jeff Stra
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CONTENTS Introduction by Joe Konrat
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Suckers is a novella I co-wrote wit
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spillover, and there are some parts
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“Tell me a little about Marcus, M
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I checked my watch. 11:09. I attemp
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“Did you bring the money?” “I
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“Then I turn Julia into a set of
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“I’ll take those Tic-Tacs, too.
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He shook his head, terrified. “Sp
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your girl, or talked behind your ba
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was hard to tell under the jacket,
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"Is it just about the money, though
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—stopping a few inches from my no
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"I think there's one in the fridge.
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Mrs. Garbonzo had never been to a p
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She leaned down to kiss me. Not wan
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“If you stay out in the sun, the
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I considered hitting him again, but
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him and a bullet.” “So what the
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agger.” “A double-bagger?”
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maybe it was a den, and then I woun
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“Sorry. Had to check.” Marietta
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“Hello, Mr. McGlade.” “Happy
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A BIT OF HALLOWEEN MAYHEM An Andrew
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"Hi, Roger," I said. My best friend
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Jarvis was still there, watching th
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"So would running through the Chamb
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said hi!" Roger and I got out of th
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yourself! Reveal your spectral pres
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Roger?" "Not me!" said Becky. "Not
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I walked slowly, carefully, making
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his knees. "I'm sorry," he said, gi
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The police never did find him. And
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“It’s my job to know, ma’am.
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face too, like Richard Dreyfuss in
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Why was I so edgy? Had my subconsci
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school actually existed. But it did
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seconds. When I finally reached the
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and a pair of eyes stared out at me
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I tried to pull away, but these mon
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how disgustingly horrible it was. I
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made my way to the exit before the
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card for $260. The card had some te
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like a Pepperidge Farm County Style
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“No.” I noticed she had some or
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air guitar, broke an air string, pu
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store. The knots were tight, expert
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I go to the cops, and you get put i
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Incredibly, he stopped. “What?”
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“Don’t be coy. This could be a
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Tim, who was my best friend in Ms.
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As we walked home from school, Roge
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"Then...I dunno, do something to de
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"He’s practicing for a play audit
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And then an answer: "Leave me alone
Page 114 and 115: this gentleman is sounding depresse
Page 116 and 117: "No?" Dennis asked. Roger shook his
Page 118 and 119: SUCKERS A Harry McGlade/Andrew Mayh
Page 120 and 121: she's the kind of person who would
Page 122 and 123: "I know she looks different," Phoeb
Page 124 and 125: "Neither do I. So my only alternati
Page 126 and 127: The man aimed his penlight back at
Page 128 and 129: ut this was the first one to take p
Page 130 and 131: starter cord. "You're at least goin
Page 132 and 133: "Honored, huh?" I said, though in m
Page 134 and 135: "Yes," somebody replied. My heart g
Page 136 and 137: let the ladies take what they wante
Page 138 and 139: with lunging fangs got a Moe-style
Page 140 and 141: Andrew "Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Hee
Page 142 and 143: giggled with her. I, myself, did no
Page 144 and 145: If life were indeed like a box of c
Page 146 and 147: "I didn’t leave her! I was kidnap
Page 148 and 149: ag off the IV stand, and then plodd
Page 150 and 151: Correction #3: Dan didn't even have
Page 152 and 153: You know, Ann somebody, the one who
Page 154 and 155: - 10 - Harry "Keeeyaaaa!" I struck
Page 156 and 157: —Harrison Harold McGlade, Chicago
Page 158 and 159: Harry McGlade's stupidity saved his
Page 160 and 161: INTERVIEW Jeff Strand interviews Jo
Page 162 and 163: Jeff: Jim Varney is dead, and I’l
Page 166 and 167: Jeff: -and we’re out of time for
Page 168: Read the Andrew Mayhem series by Je
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Suckers - J.A. Konrath

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