Suckers - J.A. Konrath

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Correction #3: Dan didn't even have a daughter. He had a son who'd gone off to college. Correction #4: In fact, not one word of that conversation is accurate. Mostly there was a lot of "Dan! Dan! Can you hear me?" while I gently slapped his face and tried to get him to focus on me. He wasn't even able to speak except for a few incoherent words. It was all very tragic. That McGlade felt the need to rewrite it into a not-particularlyconvincing comedy routine says a lot about his moral character. What Harry got right was that the bumbling dipshit did indeed take a hit of morphine. You probably thought he made that part up, too, because nobody would actually do something like that, but I assure you that he did. And, yes, you are right to weep over the state of humanity. So, anyway, we walked up the stairs and saw the cops with fangs. At least Harry saw them. I didn't, because I'm a big stupid poop head and I like to smell people's butts. * * * Chad, After much consideration, and at the urging of my wife, I have come to the decision that I cannot continue writing the story of my encounter with Harry McGlade. As you'll recall, I was initially very reluctant to involve myself in this project for numerous reasons, all of them variations on "Harry McGlade is a cretin." Your suggestion that we alternate chapters every few pages was a good one. That made the story a collaboration without actually forcing me to "collaborate" with him. And while I certainly had some issues with what he'd written, I figured that they weren't worth fighting over. Readers know what "rings true," and as long as the inaccuracies were kept in Harry's segments, it was fine. I was even willing to continue the project after he completely made up a conversation just to make me look stupid. I did not engage in a cruel dialogue with a dying man about his wife's new lover. It simply didn't happen. But I was willing to forgive even that, provided that I got a chance to include a rebuttal in my own segment. Now things have gone too far. Harry McGlade has resorted to rewriting my chapter to include a painfully juvenile comment about smelling people's butts. Was it funny? Sure, if you're six. Whether McGlade actually intended his "rewrite" to be included in the final product or if he was just trying to annoy me, the simple fact remains that I cannot work with the man. I would like to return my advance and cancel this project. 150
Yours truly, Andrew Mayhem * * * Harry, Just got a troublesome e-mail from Mayhem. Says you're being a dick. Stop it or you don't get paid. Sincerely, Chad * * * Chaddie, If Andy likes to smell peoples' butts, I say we should let him. Who are we to judge? Love, Harry * * * Harry, Listen, guy, you know I'm your biggest fan, but Andrew is really upset about the whole situation, and he's prepared to walk. Even though we could finish it without him, I can't have him badmouthing the project to the press. Behave. For me. Chad * * * Chadster, Oooooooh, is the whiny tattletale going to say mean things about me to Katie Couric? You know, Mayhem isn't so easy to get along with, either. He's so caught up on 'getting the details right' that he's watering down the story. People don't care about the truth, Chad. They want sex and violence and big laughs, like that Ben Stiller movie where he got his nuts caught in his zipper. Believe me, my heart weeps for that disemboweled Horace Smith guy. But this isn't a police report. This is true crime. It needs to have zing and zip. We owe it to the victims of this tragedy to tell their story in a way that sells the most copies. I vote we fire Andy's ass and let me collaborate with that chick writer who knew Ted Bundy. 151
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SUCKERS by J.A. Konrath & Jeff Stra
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CONTENTS Introduction by Joe Konrat
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Suckers is a novella I co-wrote wit
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spillover, and there are some parts
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“Tell me a little about Marcus, M
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I checked my watch. 11:09. I attemp
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“Did you bring the money?” “I
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“Then I turn Julia into a set of
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“I’ll take those Tic-Tacs, too.
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He shook his head, terrified. “Sp
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your girl, or talked behind your ba
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was hard to tell under the jacket,
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"Is it just about the money, though
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—stopping a few inches from my no
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"I think there's one in the fridge.
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Mrs. Garbonzo had never been to a p
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She leaned down to kiss me. Not wan
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“If you stay out in the sun, the
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I considered hitting him again, but
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him and a bullet.” “So what the
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agger.” “A double-bagger?”
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maybe it was a den, and then I woun
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“Sorry. Had to check.” Marietta
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“Hello, Mr. McGlade.” “Happy
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A BIT OF HALLOWEEN MAYHEM An Andrew
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"Hi, Roger," I said. My best friend
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Jarvis was still there, watching th
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"So would running through the Chamb
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said hi!" Roger and I got out of th
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yourself! Reveal your spectral pres
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Roger?" "Not me!" said Becky. "Not
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I walked slowly, carefully, making
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his knees. "I'm sorry," he said, gi
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The police never did find him. And
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“It’s my job to know, ma’am.
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face too, like Richard Dreyfuss in
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Why was I so edgy? Had my subconsci
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school actually existed. But it did
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seconds. When I finally reached the
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and a pair of eyes stared out at me
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I tried to pull away, but these mon
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how disgustingly horrible it was. I
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made my way to the exit before the
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card for $260. The card had some te
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like a Pepperidge Farm County Style
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“No.” I noticed she had some or
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air guitar, broke an air string, pu
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store. The knots were tight, expert
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I go to the cops, and you get put i
Page 100 and 101: Incredibly, he stopped. “What?”
Page 102 and 103: “Don’t be coy. This could be a
Page 104 and 105: Tim, who was my best friend in Ms.
Page 106 and 107: As we walked home from school, Roge
Page 108 and 109: "Then...I dunno, do something to de
Page 110 and 111: "He’s practicing for a play audit
Page 112 and 113: And then an answer: "Leave me alone
Page 114 and 115: this gentleman is sounding depresse
Page 116 and 117: "No?" Dennis asked. Roger shook his
Page 118 and 119: SUCKERS A Harry McGlade/Andrew Mayh
Page 120 and 121: she's the kind of person who would
Page 122 and 123: "I know she looks different," Phoeb
Page 124 and 125: "Neither do I. So my only alternati
Page 126 and 127: The man aimed his penlight back at
Page 128 and 129: ut this was the first one to take p
Page 130 and 131: starter cord. "You're at least goin
Page 132 and 133: "Honored, huh?" I said, though in m
Page 134 and 135: "Yes," somebody replied. My heart g
Page 136 and 137: let the ladies take what they wante
Page 138 and 139: with lunging fangs got a Moe-style
Page 140 and 141: Andrew "Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Hee
Page 142 and 143: giggled with her. I, myself, did no
Page 144 and 145: If life were indeed like a box of c
Page 146 and 147: "I didn’t leave her! I was kidnap
Page 148 and 149: ag off the IV stand, and then plodd
Page 152 and 153: You know, Ann somebody, the one who
Page 154 and 155: - 10 - Harry "Keeeyaaaa!" I struck
Page 156 and 157: —Harrison Harold McGlade, Chicago
Page 158 and 159: Harry McGlade's stupidity saved his
Page 160 and 161: INTERVIEW Jeff Strand interviews Jo
Page 162 and 163: Jeff: Jim Varney is dead, and I’l
Page 164 and 165: Jeff: What about them? I’m not su
Page 166 and 167: Jeff: -and we’re out of time for
Page 168: Read the Andrew Mayhem series by Je
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Suckers - J.A. Konrath

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