Suckers - J.A. Konrath

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Why was I so edgy? Had my subconscious tapped into some sort of collective, primal fear? Did my distant ancestors, with their reptile brains and their bronze weapons made of stone, leave some sort of genetic marker in my DNA that made me sensitive to lurking danger? I did a 360, looking for pointy-headed ghosts with gas cans. All I saw were tombstones, stretching on for as far as I could see. Hundreds. Thousands. Maybe even billions. “Easy, McGlade. Nothing to be afraid of. It’s not like you desecrated their graves or anything.” Noise, to my left. I had my Magnum in my hand so fast that it probably looked like it magically appeared there to anyone watching, even though I didn’t think anyone was watching. Anyone alive. My eyes drifted up an old, scary-looking tree, which had branches that looked like scary branch-shaped fingers, but with six fingers instead of the usual five, which made it even scarier. The sun was going down behind the tree, silhouetting some sort of nest-shaped mass on an extended limb that I guessed was a nest. “Chirp,” went the nest. My first shot blew the nest in half, and two more severed the branch from the tree. “Dammit, McGlade. Stay cool. You just assassinated a bird.” Which saddened me greatly. Magnum rounds were a buck-fifty each. Plus, I didn’t have any extras on me. I needed to stay cool. “Chirp,” went the nest. BLAM! BLAM! By heroic effort I didn’t shoot the nest a sixth time, instead walking briskly in the opposite direction. I was in a state that might be called “hyper-awareness,” which was a lot like being the lone antelope at the watering hole. I could feel the stares of flying insects, and hear the grass growing. It was freaking me out a little bit, so I began to run, tripping over something on the ground, skidding face-first against a tombstone. A damp tombstone. Mary Agnes Morrison. I scurried away, palms and knees wet, and saw the bright red object that caused me to fall. The empty can of Super Berry Mix energy drink. So my paranoia wasn’t really paranoia after all. It was just an unhealthy amount of caffeine in my veins. Which would have been kind of funny if I wasn’t soaked with my own piss. Along 74
with the taurine, the drink apparently contained a full day’s supply of irony. I stood up and shook out my pants legs. “Get a grip, McGlade. And stop talking to yourself. You always know what you’re going to say anyway.” I took three or ten deep breaths, holstered my weapon, and then set out looking for George. I had no idea that in just two minutes I was going to die. Chapter 5 I didn’t actually die. I’m lying to make the story more exciting, because this part is sort of slow. It starts to pick up in Chapter 8. Trust me, it’s worth the wait. There’s sodomy. Chapter 6 It was a fruitless search, but that didn’t matter—I wasn’t looking for fruit. After a few minutes, I’d found him. He’d given me the slip by cleverly disguising himself as a group of three bawling women. Closer inspection, and some grab ass, revealed they really were women after all. I did my “pretend to be blind and deaf” act and stumbled away before any of them called the police or their lawyers. Luckily, I caught sight of an undisguised George heading into the mausoleum. I never liked mausoleums. Burying the dead was bad enough. Putting them in the walls was just begging for mice to move in. And not the kind of mice who wear red pants and open up amusement parks. I’m talking about dirty, vicious, baby-face-eating mice, the size of rats. Actually, I’m talking about rats. Speaking of non-sequiturs, I really needed to take another leak. The mausoleum was decentsized, with a few hundred vaults stacked four high. Well lit, temperature controlled, silk plants next to marble benches every twenty feet. It was the kind of place that would have a bathroom, I thought, while pissing on one of the silk plants. The pot it was in wasn’t any realer than the plant, because all of my piss leaked out the bottom. I stepped over the puddle and commenced the search. One of the techniques they teach you in private eye school is how to conduct a search, I bet. I have no idea, because I didn’t go to private eye school. I wasn’t even sure that private eye 75
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SUCKERS by J.A. Konrath & Jeff Stra
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CONTENTS Introduction by Joe Konrat
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Suckers is a novella I co-wrote wit
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spillover, and there are some parts
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“Tell me a little about Marcus, M
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I checked my watch. 11:09. I attemp
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“Did you bring the money?” “I
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“Then I turn Julia into a set of
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“I’ll take those Tic-Tacs, too.
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He shook his head, terrified. “Sp
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your girl, or talked behind your ba
Page 24 and 25: was hard to tell under the jacket,
Page 26 and 27: "Is it just about the money, though
Page 28 and 29: —stopping a few inches from my no
Page 30 and 31: "I think there's one in the fridge.
Page 32 and 33: Mrs. Garbonzo had never been to a p
Page 34 and 35: She leaned down to kiss me. Not wan
Page 36 and 37: “If you stay out in the sun, the
Page 38 and 39: I considered hitting him again, but
Page 40 and 41: him and a bullet.” “So what the
Page 42 and 43: agger.” “A double-bagger?”
Page 44 and 45: maybe it was a den, and then I woun
Page 46 and 47: “Sorry. Had to check.” Marietta
Page 48 and 49: “Hello, Mr. McGlade.” “Happy
Page 50 and 51: A BIT OF HALLOWEEN MAYHEM An Andrew
Page 52 and 53: "Hi, Roger," I said. My best friend
Page 54 and 55: Jarvis was still there, watching th
Page 56 and 57: "So would running through the Chamb
Page 58 and 59: said hi!" Roger and I got out of th
Page 60 and 61: yourself! Reveal your spectral pres
Page 62 and 63: Roger?" "Not me!" said Becky. "Not
Page 64 and 65: I walked slowly, carefully, making
Page 66 and 67: his knees. "I'm sorry," he said, gi
Page 68 and 69: The police never did find him. And
Page 70 and 71: “It’s my job to know, ma’am.
Page 72 and 73: face too, like Richard Dreyfuss in
Page 76 and 77: school actually existed. But it did
Page 78 and 79: seconds. When I finally reached the
Page 80 and 81: and a pair of eyes stared out at me
Page 82 and 83: I tried to pull away, but these mon
Page 84 and 85: how disgustingly horrible it was. I
Page 86 and 87: made my way to the exit before the
Page 88 and 89: card for $260. The card had some te
Page 90 and 91: like a Pepperidge Farm County Style
Page 92 and 93: “No.” I noticed she had some or
Page 94 and 95: air guitar, broke an air string, pu
Page 96 and 97: store. The knots were tight, expert
Page 98 and 99: I go to the cops, and you get put i
Page 100 and 101: Incredibly, he stopped. “What?”
Page 102 and 103: “Don’t be coy. This could be a
Page 104 and 105: Tim, who was my best friend in Ms.
Page 106 and 107: As we walked home from school, Roge
Page 108 and 109: "Then...I dunno, do something to de
Page 110 and 111: "He’s practicing for a play audit
Page 112 and 113: And then an answer: "Leave me alone
Page 114 and 115: this gentleman is sounding depresse
Page 116 and 117: "No?" Dennis asked. Roger shook his
Page 118 and 119: SUCKERS A Harry McGlade/Andrew Mayh
Page 120 and 121: she's the kind of person who would
Page 122 and 123: "I know she looks different," Phoeb
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"Neither do I. So my only alternati
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The man aimed his penlight back at
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ut this was the first one to take p
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starter cord. "You're at least goin
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"Honored, huh?" I said, though in m
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"Yes," somebody replied. My heart g
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let the ladies take what they wante
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with lunging fangs got a Moe-style
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Andrew "Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Hee
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giggled with her. I, myself, did no
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If life were indeed like a box of c
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"I didn’t leave her! I was kidnap
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ag off the IV stand, and then plodd
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Correction #3: Dan didn't even have
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You know, Ann somebody, the one who
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- 10 - Harry "Keeeyaaaa!" I struck
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—Harrison Harold McGlade, Chicago
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Harry McGlade's stupidity saved his
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INTERVIEW Jeff Strand interviews Jo
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Jeff: Jim Varney is dead, and I’l
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Jeff: What about them? I’m not su
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Jeff: -and we’re out of time for
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Read the Andrew Mayhem series by Je
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Suckers - J.A. Konrath

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