Suckers - J.A. Konrath

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The police never did find him. And yes, I got in a lot of trouble when Helen came home. So to close, I just want to say that if you hear eerie sounds in your house at night, and you have a pantry, and your home was built under circumstances that would have enabled it to be constructed over a buried mobile home, you can never be too careful... Oh, and on one final Halloween-related note, who in the world decided that those piddly little miniature candy bars should be called "Fun Size?" That's not fun size! Fun size would be a block of chocolate the size of a wooly mammoth! Thank you for your attention. 68
THE NECRO FILE A Harry McGlade Mystery by JA <strong>Konrath</strong> Chapter 1 “It’s my husband, Mr. McGlade. He thinks he can raise the dead.” The woman sitting in front of my desk was named Norma Cauldridge. She had the figure of a Barlett pear and so many freckles that she was more beige than Caucasian. She also came equipped with a severe overbite, a lazy eye, and a mole on her cheek. Not a Cindy Crawford type of mole, either. This one looked like she glued the end of a hotdog to her face. A hairy hotdog. Plus, she smelled like sweaty feet. Any man married to her would certainly have to raise the dead every time she wanted sex. But I didn’t become a private investigator to meet femme fatales. Well, actually I did. But mostly I did it for the money. And hers was green just like anyone else’s. I took a can of Lysol aerosol deodorizer from my desk and gave the air a spritz. Now it smelled like sweaty feet and pine trees. With a hint of lavender. “I get four hundred a day, plus expenses,” I told her. I put away the air freshener and tried to sneak a look behind her large round Charlie Brownish head. When she walked into my office a minute ago, I’d been watching the National Cheerleading Finals on cable. The TV was still on, but I had muted the sound to be polite. “I didn’t tell you what I want you to do yet.” She was a whiner too. Nasally and high-pitched. It’s like God took a dare to make the most unattractive woman possible. “You want me to take pictures of him acting crazy, so you can use them in the divorce.” On television a group of nubile young twenty-somethings did synchronized cartwheels and landed in splits. I love cable. “How did you know?” Norma asked. I glanced at Norma. The only splits she ever did were banana. 69
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SUCKERS by J.A. Konrath & Jeff Stra
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CONTENTS Introduction by Joe Konrat
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Suckers is a novella I co-wrote wit
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spillover, and there are some parts
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“Tell me a little about Marcus, M
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I checked my watch. 11:09. I attemp
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“Did you bring the money?” “I
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“Then I turn Julia into a set of
Page 18 and 19: “I’ll take those Tic-Tacs, too.
Page 20 and 21: He shook his head, terrified. “Sp
Page 22 and 23: your girl, or talked behind your ba
Page 24 and 25: was hard to tell under the jacket,
Page 26 and 27: "Is it just about the money, though
Page 28 and 29: —stopping a few inches from my no
Page 30 and 31: "I think there's one in the fridge.
Page 32 and 33: Mrs. Garbonzo had never been to a p
Page 34 and 35: She leaned down to kiss me. Not wan
Page 36 and 37: “If you stay out in the sun, the
Page 38 and 39: I considered hitting him again, but
Page 40 and 41: him and a bullet.” “So what the
Page 42 and 43: agger.” “A double-bagger?”
Page 44 and 45: maybe it was a den, and then I woun
Page 46 and 47: “Sorry. Had to check.” Marietta
Page 48 and 49: “Hello, Mr. McGlade.” “Happy
Page 50 and 51: A BIT OF HALLOWEEN MAYHEM An Andrew
Page 52 and 53: "Hi, Roger," I said. My best friend
Page 54 and 55: Jarvis was still there, watching th
Page 56 and 57: "So would running through the Chamb
Page 58 and 59: said hi!" Roger and I got out of th
Page 60 and 61: yourself! Reveal your spectral pres
Page 62 and 63: Roger?" "Not me!" said Becky. "Not
Page 64 and 65: I walked slowly, carefully, making
Page 66 and 67: his knees. "I'm sorry," he said, gi
Page 70 and 71: “It’s my job to know, ma’am.
Page 72 and 73: face too, like Richard Dreyfuss in
Page 74 and 75: Why was I so edgy? Had my subconsci
Page 76 and 77: school actually existed. But it did
Page 78 and 79: seconds. When I finally reached the
Page 80 and 81: and a pair of eyes stared out at me
Page 82 and 83: I tried to pull away, but these mon
Page 84 and 85: how disgustingly horrible it was. I
Page 86 and 87: made my way to the exit before the
Page 88 and 89: card for $260. The card had some te
Page 90 and 91: like a Pepperidge Farm County Style
Page 92 and 93: “No.” I noticed she had some or
Page 94 and 95: air guitar, broke an air string, pu
Page 96 and 97: store. The knots were tight, expert
Page 98 and 99: I go to the cops, and you get put i
Page 100 and 101: Incredibly, he stopped. “What?”
Page 102 and 103: “Don’t be coy. This could be a
Page 104 and 105: Tim, who was my best friend in Ms.
Page 106 and 107: As we walked home from school, Roge
Page 108 and 109: "Then...I dunno, do something to de
Page 110 and 111: "He’s practicing for a play audit
Page 112 and 113: And then an answer: "Leave me alone
Page 114 and 115: this gentleman is sounding depresse
Page 116 and 117: "No?" Dennis asked. Roger shook his
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SUCKERS A Harry McGlade/Andrew Mayh
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she's the kind of person who would
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"I know she looks different," Phoeb
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"Neither do I. So my only alternati
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The man aimed his penlight back at
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ut this was the first one to take p
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starter cord. "You're at least goin
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"Honored, huh?" I said, though in m
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"Yes," somebody replied. My heart g
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let the ladies take what they wante
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with lunging fangs got a Moe-style
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Andrew "Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Hee
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giggled with her. I, myself, did no
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If life were indeed like a box of c
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"I didn’t leave her! I was kidnap
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ag off the IV stand, and then plodd
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Correction #3: Dan didn't even have
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You know, Ann somebody, the one who
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- 10 - Harry "Keeeyaaaa!" I struck
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—Harrison Harold McGlade, Chicago
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Harry McGlade's stupidity saved his
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INTERVIEW Jeff Strand interviews Jo
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Jeff: Jim Varney is dead, and I’l
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Jeff: What about them? I’m not su
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Jeff: -and we’re out of time for
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Read the Andrew Mayhem series by Je
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Suckers - J.A. Konrath

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