Suckers - J.A. Konrath

lawn.
Sadly, Pepe didn't make it.
Mayhem and I slowly got to our feet, picking off the burning pieces of his poor victim
neighbor Dan Foltersmith, and parts of some naked elderly old women, and a heavily pierced ear
that forensics later identified as belonging to Tanya Mertz, the runaway who began this whole
sordid mess.
Little Tanya had finally come home. In a very small box.
Case closed.
Paramedics came, with methadone to help me overcome my new addiction. And fire
fighters. And news crews. And real cops without fangs who took our statements and offered me a
key to the city because, in their words, "We always kinda knew there was something wrong with
this house."
Andrew Mayhem mumbled something about having to get home, so we shared a manly
handshake.
"You done good, kid," I told him. "I want you to have this."
I reached into my pocket, and handed him a jar of spaghetti sauce. No mushrooms.
"Thanks, Harry. We sure had some adventure, didn't we?"
"We sure did, Andrew. We sure as hell did."
We embraced, and then he walked stoically away, into legend.
You can see the whole thing next summer, in the new Fatal Autonomy movie, Bloodsucker
Nightmare: Harry McGlade vs. The Vampires, directed by Uwe Boll, coming direct to DVD. It
will have exclusive uncut bonus footage, including eight minutes of commentary by me, and the
alternate "pants-wetting ending" which Andrew assures me was just spilled water.
They never found Vlad. And I'm man enough to admit that his undersized wee-wee
sometimes haunts my dreams. Was he really a nosferatu, an undead immortal ghoul who will
forever walk the earth, feasting on the living? Or was he just a fat guy with a small Johnson?
Just to be safe, keep your doors and windows locked at night, and always carry a clove of
garlic in your pants.
And if you're alone in your room, at night, alone, reading this tale of horror, and you hear
something moving around in your bedroom closet...
RUN LIKE HELL! IT'S VLAD! HE'S GOING TO KILL YOU! GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!
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