Suckers - J.A. Konrath

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—stopping a few inches from my nose. It occurred to me that a substantial portion of my plan had revolved around the idea that I would break out my lightning-fast reflexes to escape from danger at the exact moment when Victor finally snapped. But if Victor hadn't stopped the knife's downward trajectory by his own choice, I would probably have a blade sticking deep into my face. T'was not a pleasant thought. "I'm sorry," I said. Victor lowered the knife. "This job sucks," he said. "Most jobs do." I realized that my palms were sweating profusely now that I'd come so close to being stabbed in the nostrils, and my stomach kind of hurt. What had happened to my lightning fast reflexes? The knife could have gone all the way through my nose and up into my brain! I'd be dead! And then Victor would collect his paycheck even though he was a below-average assassin! I wiped my palms off on my jeans, hoping he wouldn't notice. "Did I scare you?" he asked. "No." "I bet I did." "Okay, yeah, you did, but that knife looks sharp, all right? You can't expect me not to be a little uncomfortable when you're trying to stab me with it." "I bet you almost wet your pants." "Would it make you feel better if I had?" He shook his head. "That would probably be awkward." "Yeah, for me too." He sighed. I sighed back. "Why didn't you finish stabbing me?" I asked. "Dunno." "Are you having second thoughts?" "Maybe. I just...do you ever feel like you're playing a part that isn't really you? I mean, I feel ridiculous in this spiked jacket. What do you think?" "Honestly, I thought the jacket was pretty cool." "It's too hot. And it doesn't fit right in the back. And these spiky things keep scraping on furniture and stuff. I wonder if I should just give up the whole idea of killing people for a living. 28
I don't think I'm cut out for it. I like being the lovable guy. I like being cuddly." "Cuddly is good. So how much trouble will you get in if you don't kill me?" "I'm not sure. Not too much. He was only paying me fifty bucks." "Fifty bucks? Fifty?" "Yeah." "My life is only worth fifty dollars? Are you kidding me?" "Is that low?" "Of course it's low! Holy crap, I was thinking you were making at least five figures, probably six!" "I made seven dollars an hour at Wal-Mart." "I can't believe you would kill me for fifty bucks. That's just insulting. Who hired you?" "Todd McBride." "Don't know him. But people try to kill me every once in a while. It's just part of being me. But...fifty bucks? You'd pay an exterminator more than that to kill some bugs! Perhaps you should leave." "Yeah." "Sorry this didn't work out." "Me too. I'll resign in the morning. I didn't really want to see sliced flesh anyway." He turned around, took a step toward the kitchen, then hesitated and returned his attention to me. "You know, I'm out fifty bucks." "Yeah, and...?" "Maybe you could pitch in a little. It doesn't have to be the whole fifty, but something for my time would be nice." "I'll be honest with you. Paying somebody not to kill me would feel sort of like paying for sex." "You're just saying that because your wife monitors the finances, aren't you?" "No, I'm saying it because it would make me feel icky." Victor frowned. "Oh." "Sorry." He stood there for a moment, silent. "Well, do you have any of those juice boxes left?" 29
Page 2 and 3: SUCKERS by J.A. Konrath & Jeff Stra
Page 4 and 5: CONTENTS Introduction by Joe Konrat
Page 6 and 7: Suckers is a novella I co-wrote wit
Page 8 and 9: spillover, and there are some parts
Page 10 and 11: “Tell me a little about Marcus, M
Page 12 and 13: I checked my watch. 11:09. I attemp
Page 14 and 15: “Did you bring the money?” “I
Page 16 and 17: “Then I turn Julia into a set of
Page 18 and 19: “I’ll take those Tic-Tacs, too.
Page 20 and 21: He shook his head, terrified. “Sp
Page 22 and 23: your girl, or talked behind your ba
Page 24 and 25: was hard to tell under the jacket,
Page 26 and 27: "Is it just about the money, though
Page 30 and 31: "I think there's one in the fridge.
Page 32 and 33: Mrs. Garbonzo had never been to a p
Page 34 and 35: She leaned down to kiss me. Not wan
Page 36 and 37: “If you stay out in the sun, the
Page 38 and 39: I considered hitting him again, but
Page 40 and 41: him and a bullet.” “So what the
Page 42 and 43: agger.” “A double-bagger?”
Page 44 and 45: maybe it was a den, and then I woun
Page 46 and 47: “Sorry. Had to check.” Marietta
Page 48 and 49: “Hello, Mr. McGlade.” “Happy
Page 50 and 51: A BIT OF HALLOWEEN MAYHEM An Andrew
Page 52 and 53: "Hi, Roger," I said. My best friend
Page 54 and 55: Jarvis was still there, watching th
Page 56 and 57: "So would running through the Chamb
Page 58 and 59: said hi!" Roger and I got out of th
Page 60 and 61: yourself! Reveal your spectral pres
Page 62 and 63: Roger?" "Not me!" said Becky. "Not
Page 64 and 65: I walked slowly, carefully, making
Page 66 and 67: his knees. "I'm sorry," he said, gi
Page 68 and 69: The police never did find him. And
Page 70 and 71: “It’s my job to know, ma’am.
Page 72 and 73: face too, like Richard Dreyfuss in
Page 74 and 75: Why was I so edgy? Had my subconsci
Page 76 and 77: school actually existed. But it did
Page 78 and 79:
seconds. When I finally reached the
Page 80 and 81:
and a pair of eyes stared out at me
Page 82 and 83:
I tried to pull away, but these mon
Page 84 and 85:
how disgustingly horrible it was. I
Page 86 and 87:
made my way to the exit before the
Page 88 and 89:
card for $260. The card had some te
Page 90 and 91:
like a Pepperidge Farm County Style
Page 92 and 93:
“No.” I noticed she had some or
Page 94 and 95:
air guitar, broke an air string, pu
Page 96 and 97:
store. The knots were tight, expert
Page 98 and 99:
I go to the cops, and you get put i
Page 100 and 101:
Incredibly, he stopped. “What?”
Page 102 and 103:
“Don’t be coy. This could be a
Page 104 and 105:
Tim, who was my best friend in Ms.
Page 106 and 107:
As we walked home from school, Roge
Page 108 and 109:
"Then...I dunno, do something to de
Page 110 and 111:
"He’s practicing for a play audit
Page 112 and 113:
And then an answer: "Leave me alone
Page 114 and 115:
this gentleman is sounding depresse
Page 116 and 117:
"No?" Dennis asked. Roger shook his
Page 118 and 119:
SUCKERS A Harry McGlade/Andrew Mayh
Page 120 and 121:
she's the kind of person who would
Page 122 and 123:
"I know she looks different," Phoeb
Page 124 and 125:
"Neither do I. So my only alternati
Page 126 and 127:
The man aimed his penlight back at
Page 128 and 129:
ut this was the first one to take p
Page 130 and 131:
starter cord. "You're at least goin
Page 132 and 133:
"Honored, huh?" I said, though in m
Page 134 and 135:
"Yes," somebody replied. My heart g
Page 136 and 137:
let the ladies take what they wante
Page 138 and 139:
with lunging fangs got a Moe-style
Page 140 and 141:
Andrew "Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Hee
Page 142 and 143:
giggled with her. I, myself, did no
Page 144 and 145:
If life were indeed like a box of c
Page 146 and 147:
"I didn’t leave her! I was kidnap
Page 148 and 149:
ag off the IV stand, and then plodd
Page 150 and 151:
Correction #3: Dan didn't even have
Page 152 and 153:
You know, Ann somebody, the one who
Page 154 and 155:
- 10 - Harry "Keeeyaaaa!" I struck
Page 156 and 157:
—Harrison Harold McGlade, Chicago
Page 158 and 159:
Harry McGlade's stupidity saved his
Page 160 and 161:
INTERVIEW Jeff Strand interviews Jo
Page 162 and 163:
Jeff: Jim Varney is dead, and I’l
Page 164 and 165:
Jeff: What about them? I’m not su
Page 166 and 167:
Jeff: -and we’re out of time for
Page 168:
Read the Andrew Mayhem series by Je
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Suckers - J.A. Konrath

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