Suckers - J.A. Konrath

"Hi, Roger," I said.
My best friend Roger took off his mask, grinning. "Hiya, Andrew. I thought I'd see if you
needed some moral support in your darkest hour."
"Actually, it's going pretty well. Kyle and I were upstairs watching a movie, c'mon and join
us."
"Hi, Uncle Roger!" said Theresa, waving from behind her Britney Spears costume, sans
breasts.
"Hi, Theresa. Have you started bobbing for apples yet?"
"We can't do that anymore. Daddy chipped his tooth last year and Kyle almost drowned."
"I told him not to inhale," I said in my own defense.
"Bunch of lightweights in this place," Roger remarked. "I hope you've at least got some
decent apple cider."
"We've got pumpkin pie punch!" Theresa announced.
Roger looked at me. "Pumpkin pie punch?"
"Helen accidentally invented it last night. Don't drink any."
"I shan't."
I went to the kitchen and got three Cokes out of the refrigerator. After telling the girls to
continue behaving themselves, thus fulfilling my duty as a responsible adult, Roger and I went
back upstairs into my bedroom.
"Daddy, you missed a person melting," Kyle informed me.
"Did you hear that?" I asked Roger. "A human being melts and I miss it, all because of you."
"Happy Halloween, Kyle!" said Roger, putting his Wolf Man mask back on.
"RRRRRrrrrrrraaaaaarrrrrrRRRRRRR!!!"
"If you're good I'll let you take Uncle Roger for a walk later," I said. "Maybe we can find
him some dog biscuits."
Roger went "RrraaarrRRRR" again and lumbered toward my innocent child, arms
outstretched. Since the eyeholes in the mask weren't all they could be, he smacked into the bed,
earning himself an explosion of laughter from Kyle.
"Not exactly Lon Chaney, Jr., are you?" I asked.
Roger pulled off his mask and rubbed his shin. "That really hurt."
"Do you need to go to the vet?"
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