Suckers - J.A. Konrath

his knees. "I'm sorry," he said, giving us a sheepish smile.
I really wasn't sure what to say to that. "I'm, uh...sorry, too."
The old man nodded as if my apology were acceptable. "I'm Jervis Taywood."
"It's Jervis! I knew it!"
"I knew I was going to be discovered sooner or later," said Jervis. "But I just couldn't do it. I
couldn't stay below all the time. Sometimes you've got to get up and wander around the house,
you know?"
"Absolutely," I agreed.
"I felt horrible abandoning my family and all, but these...these rages...I got to the point
where I couldn't control them."
"So these are like, drag people to your underground lair and threaten to eat their leg kinds of
rages?" I asked.
Jervis nodded. "Yes, basically." He glanced over at Roger. "I wouldn't really have eaten
your leg. I may have scooped out a forkful, but it never would have made it to my mouth."
"Shut up you crazy lunatic son of a—!"
"Chill, Roger," I said, setting a reassuring hand on his leg, which was probably not the best
location for a reassuring hand at that particular time and which elicited a shriek of horror.
"I don't know what sparked the rage tonight," Jervis said. "Okay, well, I do. It was that
whole 'ghostie ghostie ghostie' thing and that annoying whistling. It just set me off. But I never
meant to grab your friend and drop him down here. I guess I wasn't expecting to see him
standing right there when I opened the pantry door."
"I can understand that," I said. "It's not the best sight in the world. So you faked your death
and went to live down here, huh?"
"I didn't fake my death. I just disappeared."
"What about jumping into the vat of molten plastic?"
"Who said I did that?"
"I heard it...uh, I dunno, somewhere..."
"Did you hear it from the legitimate news media?"
"No, probably not," I admitted.
"That's a pretty dumb way to commit suicide, don't you think?"
"Yes, probably."
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