Suckers - J.A. Konrath

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ag off the IV stand, and then plodded off in the direction of Mayhem’s insults. I found the wall, and my hand touched something wet, sort of like a water balloon coated in baby oil. I squeezed it. It popped. Thank God for total darkness. "Over here, McGlade. I think I found a door." I came up next to him and felt around. "What gave it away?" I asked. "The doorknob?" "It’s locked." "No shit." "It feels like one of those bathroom door locks. If we stick something small and thin in the hole, we can open it." I started to giggle. Some jokes don’t even need to be said aloud. "Feel around for a nail or something." "I’m on it," I said. Then I sat down and stuck the morphine needle in my mouth. "Harry? Harry, are you searching for something?" "Mmmm-hmmm." Someone, probably Andrew, kicked me. I giggled. Then I felt a pair of hands snatch away my morphine bag. "Dammit, McGlade, you’re getting high!" "Just taking the edge off. Do you see that bunny?" I reached out to pat the bunny, and he did a funny little bunny dance. "Okay, I think I can use this needle." "Don't bogart it. Save some for your buddy Harry. I heard a metallic clicking sound, then the sound of a knob turning, then the sound of a door opening, then the sound of two leprechauns having sex. "Grab her in her Lucky Charms," I said to them. They laughed, and gave me a big hug. So did the bunny. Then I bit my tongue really hard, just to see if I could feel anything. I couldn’t. Life was swell. "Here’s a switch." A light went on in the room next to me, which scared away the leprechauns. I started to yell at Mayhem to turn the light off, and saw him walking up a flight of stairs. I followed him, because, after all, he had the morphine, and when we got to the top there was another door. 148
"I think this leads outside," said someone, possibly me, possibly Andy, possibly the large walrus in the clown hat who I had named George. I loved George. Andrew opened the door, and standing there were two police officers, and I was 96% sure there weren’t a hallucination. "Thank God," Andrew Mayhem said. "We’ve been held prisoner in a house full of psychopaths who think they're vampires." "And there was a bunny," I added. Then the cop on the left grinned, and I felt very confused because it looked like he had really sharp fangs. - 9 - Andrew Stop. When Harry and I agreed to relate the unpleasant tale of our unfortunate adventure together, we set some ground rules. First, and most important, was that I would not write in the same room as him. I think we can all agree that this was fair and just. If fewer people spent time in rooms with Harry McGlade, the world would be a much happier place. Second, we agreed not to debate each other's contributions to the narrative. So though Harry's side of the story has certain...ah, lapses in accuracy, I let them go. He mostly got the big picture right, if not the details. I was cool with this until I read his last section, where we suddenly have a completely fabricated conversation that makes me look like an insensitive idiot. I'm not going to lie to you, I've been an insensitive idiot on many an occasion, but when a guy is chained up in the basement with his intestines slopping out onto the floor, even at my most insensitive and most idiotic I would not try to cheer him up with news that his wife is shacking up with a biker dude. Correction #1: My neighbor's name was not Horace Folterkeller. It was Dan Smith. Correction #2: I did not say "You probably don’t want to hear about the new man she brought home, then." She did not bring home a new man. Dan's wife was absolutely devastated by the situation. 149
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SUCKERS by J.A. Konrath & Jeff Stra
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CONTENTS Introduction by Joe Konrat
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Suckers is a novella I co-wrote wit
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spillover, and there are some parts
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“Tell me a little about Marcus, M
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I checked my watch. 11:09. I attemp
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“Did you bring the money?” “I
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“Then I turn Julia into a set of
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“I’ll take those Tic-Tacs, too.
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He shook his head, terrified. “Sp
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your girl, or talked behind your ba
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was hard to tell under the jacket,
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"Is it just about the money, though
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—stopping a few inches from my no
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"I think there's one in the fridge.
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Mrs. Garbonzo had never been to a p
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She leaned down to kiss me. Not wan
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“If you stay out in the sun, the
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I considered hitting him again, but
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him and a bullet.” “So what the
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agger.” “A double-bagger?”
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maybe it was a den, and then I woun
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“Sorry. Had to check.” Marietta
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“Hello, Mr. McGlade.” “Happy
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A BIT OF HALLOWEEN MAYHEM An Andrew
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"Hi, Roger," I said. My best friend
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Jarvis was still there, watching th
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"So would running through the Chamb
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said hi!" Roger and I got out of th
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yourself! Reveal your spectral pres
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Roger?" "Not me!" said Becky. "Not
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I walked slowly, carefully, making
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his knees. "I'm sorry," he said, gi
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The police never did find him. And
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“It’s my job to know, ma’am.
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face too, like Richard Dreyfuss in
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Why was I so edgy? Had my subconsci
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school actually existed. But it did
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seconds. When I finally reached the
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and a pair of eyes stared out at me
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I tried to pull away, but these mon
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how disgustingly horrible it was. I
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made my way to the exit before the
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card for $260. The card had some te
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like a Pepperidge Farm County Style
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“No.” I noticed she had some or
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air guitar, broke an air string, pu
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store. The knots were tight, expert
Page 98 and 99: I go to the cops, and you get put i
Page 100 and 101: Incredibly, he stopped. “What?”
Page 102 and 103: “Don’t be coy. This could be a
Page 104 and 105: Tim, who was my best friend in Ms.
Page 106 and 107: As we walked home from school, Roge
Page 108 and 109: "Then...I dunno, do something to de
Page 110 and 111: "He’s practicing for a play audit
Page 112 and 113: And then an answer: "Leave me alone
Page 114 and 115: this gentleman is sounding depresse
Page 116 and 117: "No?" Dennis asked. Roger shook his
Page 118 and 119: SUCKERS A Harry McGlade/Andrew Mayh
Page 120 and 121: she's the kind of person who would
Page 122 and 123: "I know she looks different," Phoeb
Page 124 and 125: "Neither do I. So my only alternati
Page 126 and 127: The man aimed his penlight back at
Page 128 and 129: ut this was the first one to take p
Page 130 and 131: starter cord. "You're at least goin
Page 132 and 133: "Honored, huh?" I said, though in m
Page 134 and 135: "Yes," somebody replied. My heart g
Page 136 and 137: let the ladies take what they wante
Page 138 and 139: with lunging fangs got a Moe-style
Page 140 and 141: Andrew "Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Hee
Page 142 and 143: giggled with her. I, myself, did no
Page 144 and 145: If life were indeed like a box of c
Page 146 and 147: "I didn’t leave her! I was kidnap
Page 150 and 151: Correction #3: Dan didn't even have
Page 152 and 153: You know, Ann somebody, the one who
Page 154 and 155: - 10 - Harry "Keeeyaaaa!" I struck
Page 156 and 157: —Harrison Harold McGlade, Chicago
Page 158 and 159: Harry McGlade's stupidity saved his
Page 160 and 161: INTERVIEW Jeff Strand interviews Jo
Page 162 and 163: Jeff: Jim Varney is dead, and I’l
Page 164 and 165: Jeff: What about them? I’m not su
Page 166 and 167: Jeff: -and we’re out of time for
Page 168: Read the Andrew Mayhem series by Je
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Suckers - J.A. Konrath

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