Suckers - J.A. Konrath

Correction #3: Dan didn't even have a daughter. He had a son who'd gone off to college.
Correction #4: In fact, not one word of that conversation is accurate. Mostly there was a lot
of "Dan! Dan! Can you hear me?" while I gently slapped his face and tried to get him to focus on
me. He wasn't even able to speak except for a few incoherent words.
It was all very tragic. That McGlade felt the need to rewrite it into a not-particularlyconvincing
comedy routine says a lot about his moral character.
What Harry got right was that the bumbling dipshit did indeed take a hit of morphine. You
probably thought he made that part up, too, because nobody would actually do something like
that, but I assure you that he did. And, yes, you are right to weep over the state of humanity.
So, anyway, we walked up the stairs and saw the cops with fangs. At least Harry saw them. I
didn't, because I'm a big stupid poop head and I like to smell people's butts.
* * *
Chad,
After much consideration, and at the urging of my wife, I have come to the decision that I
cannot continue writing the story of my encounter with Harry McGlade. As you'll recall, I was
initially very reluctant to involve myself in this project for numerous reasons, all of them
variations on "Harry McGlade is a cretin."
Your suggestion that we alternate chapters every few pages was a good one. That made the
story a collaboration without actually forcing me to "collaborate" with him. And while I certainly
had some issues with what he'd written, I figured that they weren't worth fighting over. Readers
know what "rings true," and as long as the inaccuracies were kept in Harry's segments, it was
fine.
I was even willing to continue the project after he completely made up a conversation just to
make me look stupid. I did not engage in a cruel dialogue with a dying man about his wife's new
lover. It simply didn't happen. But I was willing to forgive even that, provided that I got a chance
to include a rebuttal in my own segment.
Now things have gone too far. Harry McGlade has resorted to rewriting my chapter to
include a painfully juvenile comment about smelling people's butts. Was it funny? Sure, if you're
six. Whether McGlade actually intended his "rewrite" to be included in the final product or if he
was just trying to annoy me, the simple fact remains that I cannot work with the man.
I would like to return my advance and cancel this project.
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