Suckers - J.A. Konrath

“What do I charge them with, McGlade? Public indecency? You want me to waste
manpower on a minor misdemeanor?”
“Aggravated sexual assault. Trust me. It was aggravating.”
“Who’s going to press charges? The cadaver? You want to bring a corpse to trial? The cross
examination would be riveting, I bet.”
I clenched my fist. “Dammit, Jackie! I was violated in ways you can’t even begin to
understand. I’ll never be the same. My sex life might very well be ruined, and I won’t be able to
ever watch basketball on TV again. And I love basketball. If you don’t arrest these assholes I’m
going to go on a killing spree and when they bring me in I’ll tell them you could have stopped it
just by doing your job.”
She sighed big, but I knew I’d won. “Cut the melodrama, McGlade. I’ll send a few uniforms
over to check it out.”
“If you arrest a creepy old caretaker guy, call me. I’m going to impale him on his mop and
make him clean all the floors in Union Station.”
“I got extra tickets to the Bulls game tomorrow. Want them?”
“You can really be a mean bitch sometimes, Jackie.”
I hung up, ordered another tequila, drank it, ordered another, drank it, then called a taxi to
take me back to my condo to really start drinking.
Chapter 10
My plan had been to drink so much I didn’t dream. And when I peeled my eyes open, I
thought it worked. I couldn’t remember a single nocturnal image, let alone any nightmares.
Then I realized I was lying naked on the kitchen floor, straddling a head of lettuce.
“Oh hell no.”
Like any freaked-out person, I needed answers. So I searched Google, using the terms “post
dramatic stress disorder sex with corpses and giant testicles” which linked me to a bunch of
unhelpful porn sites. I dutifully surfed them anyway, but there were no answers there.
Then I went to eBay, and I was still the top bidder on everything. Lousy eBastards. I decided
I just wouldn’t pay if I won, but then I’d get negative feedback, and negative feedback was
permanent. I’m proud of my 99.4% positive score. My only bad mark came from some jerk who
didn’t read the whole product description, only the header. I sold him a mint Babe Ruth baseball
87