Suckers - J.A. Konrath

POOR CAREER CHOICE
An Andrew Mayhem Thriller by Jeff Strand
If you're like me, you spend a lot of time trying to joke your way out of socially awkward
and/or potentially fatal situations. A good example of this took place one summer evening when
I was relaxing in my recliner with the novel Whose Blood Is In My Popcorn?, which I'd been
reading off and on for the past four years. I'm not an ambitious reader.
I looked across the living room into the kitchen and saw an extremely large man holding an
extremely large knife. He had long greasy hair, was wearing a black leather jacket that had metal
spikes around the wrists, and I sort of got the impression that he had broken into my home to kill
me.
By "broken into," of course, I mean that he'd probably just casually walked in through the
door in the kitchen that my wife Helen was always reminding me not to leave unlocked. She'd
never specifically used a man with a knife as an example, but I'm pretty sure this is the kind of
thing she was referring to.
"Are you here about the leaky faucet?" I asked.
Not my all-time funniest comment, I'll admit. Still, when you consider that I said it to a huge
guy with a knife and a homicidal glimmer in his eye, it was a more than passable effort.
He shook his head. "No. I'm not."
"Oh."
I considered my options. The only weapons I had readily available were the dog-eared
paperback and a grape juice box. I'd already drank most of the juice, so the box probably
wouldn't even carry all the way across the living room if I threw it. However, the straw provided
a defensive possibility.
I considered making a run for it. But when I say that the man was "extremely large," I don't
mean that he was an obese gentleman who would chase after me in a labored waddle. Though it
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