Suckers - J.A. Konrath

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A BIT OF HALLOWEEN MAYHEM An Andrew Mayhem Thriller by Jeff Strand The most bizarre Halloween of my life began with me chaperoning a party at my house...one that consisted of a dozen second-grade girls. Obviously, that alone was enough to push it way over the top on the shriek-o-meter, but to my astonishment there was something even worse in store. My daughter Theresa was seven and she'd been allowed to invite her friends over for a party, as a "safe alternative to trick-or-treating," which was the current catch phrase in our little town of Chamber, Florida. This was not my idea. I was, quite honestly, appalled that my kids would be robbed of one of the greatest joys of childhood. When I was a kid, my friends and I took trick-or-treating with deadly seriousness. We'd start planning our route in late August, drawing an incredibly detailed scale map of the neighborhood and plotting the best course to attain the maximum candy in the minimum time. But this wasn't simple geometry...oh no, far from it. We also had to factor in the homes that were stingy with their candy, which had to be hit early, and the homes that regularly overbought, which were saved for last so we'd get them when they were desperately trying to get rid of their stash to avoid having stale Milk Duds until February. After our parents had checked the candy for razor blades and small explosive devices, we'd each take a section of whomever's bedroom was acting as our home base that year, spread our treasures out onto the floor, and bask in the glorious wealth. Evil "muahahahahaha!" laughs were essential. And then the trading would begin, which we took far more seriously than Major League Baseball ever has. After the negotiations, which could go on for hours, we would commence with the Feast...and lo, what a feast it was! But this year there would be no trick-or-treating for Theresa and Kyle, which meant I lost my ten percent cut for checking the candy. I'd tried desperately to convince Helen that they'd be safe under my "adult" supervision, but the neighborhood mothers had made up their mind, and it 50
was stupid safe alternatives for everyone. So Theresa and her friends sat in the living room accusing each other of liking certain boys, while Kyle and I hid upstairs watching Blood, Blood, Blood! on television. Kyle was five and probably too young to be watching the movie, but I felt an exception could be made because a) it was Halloween, and b) Helen wasn't home. She was working at the hospital, leaving me alone to deal with the second-grade girls, who were behaving themselves surprisingly well. "UMMMMMMMMMM!!!" they shouted as one. "Theresa likes Eric! Theresa likes Eric!" "Do you know this Eric guy?" I asked Kyle. "Uh-huh." "Does he work hard? Will he provide for your sister in the manner to which she's become accustomed?" "He can burp songs," Kyle explained. "Good songs?" "I heard him do 'My Country Tis of Thee.'" "Cool, your sister's dating a patriot," I exclaimed, nodding my approval. "He got in trouble and the bus driver said not to do it anymore and he said if he did it again he was gonna get a misconduct slip." "Yes, well, Abraham Lincoln's bus driver tried to give him misconduct slips, too." The doorbell rang, and a dozen seven year-old girls shrieked in unrestrained terror. "I'd better go get that in case it's Mr. Boogedy-Bones," I told Kyle. "Do you want another Coke?" Kyle nodded. "And what do we tell your mother you drank tonight?" "Milk." "What kind of milk?" "Skim milk." "Good boy." I ruffled his hair just to annoy him, then hurried down the stairs and answered the door as Theresa and her friends scrambled around like electrified whackos trying to find hiding spots. "RRRRrrraaaahhhhHHHHH!!!" said the Wolf Man. "AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" replied the second grade girls. 51
Page 2 and 3: SUCKERS by J.A. Konrath & Jeff Stra
Page 4 and 5: CONTENTS Introduction by Joe Konrat
Page 6 and 7: Suckers is a novella I co-wrote wit
Page 8 and 9: spillover, and there are some parts
Page 10 and 11: “Tell me a little about Marcus, M
Page 12 and 13: I checked my watch. 11:09. I attemp
Page 14 and 15: “Did you bring the money?” “I
Page 16 and 17: “Then I turn Julia into a set of
Page 18 and 19: “I’ll take those Tic-Tacs, too.
Page 20 and 21: He shook his head, terrified. “Sp
Page 22 and 23: your girl, or talked behind your ba
Page 24 and 25: was hard to tell under the jacket,
Page 26 and 27: "Is it just about the money, though
Page 28 and 29: —stopping a few inches from my no
Page 30 and 31: "I think there's one in the fridge.
Page 32 and 33: Mrs. Garbonzo had never been to a p
Page 34 and 35: She leaned down to kiss me. Not wan
Page 36 and 37: “If you stay out in the sun, the
Page 38 and 39: I considered hitting him again, but
Page 40 and 41: him and a bullet.” “So what the
Page 42 and 43: agger.” “A double-bagger?”
Page 44 and 45: maybe it was a den, and then I woun
Page 46 and 47: “Sorry. Had to check.” Marietta
Page 48 and 49: “Hello, Mr. McGlade.” “Happy
Page 52 and 53: "Hi, Roger," I said. My best friend
Page 54 and 55: Jarvis was still there, watching th
Page 56 and 57: "So would running through the Chamb
Page 58 and 59: said hi!" Roger and I got out of th
Page 60 and 61: yourself! Reveal your spectral pres
Page 62 and 63: Roger?" "Not me!" said Becky. "Not
Page 64 and 65: I walked slowly, carefully, making
Page 66 and 67: his knees. "I'm sorry," he said, gi
Page 68 and 69: The police never did find him. And
Page 70 and 71: “It’s my job to know, ma’am.
Page 72 and 73: face too, like Richard Dreyfuss in
Page 74 and 75: Why was I so edgy? Had my subconsci
Page 76 and 77: school actually existed. But it did
Page 78 and 79: seconds. When I finally reached the
Page 80 and 81: and a pair of eyes stared out at me
Page 82 and 83: I tried to pull away, but these mon
Page 84 and 85: how disgustingly horrible it was. I
Page 86 and 87: made my way to the exit before the
Page 88 and 89: card for $260. The card had some te
Page 90 and 91: like a Pepperidge Farm County Style
Page 92 and 93: “No.” I noticed she had some or
Page 94 and 95: air guitar, broke an air string, pu
Page 96 and 97: store. The knots were tight, expert
Page 98 and 99: I go to the cops, and you get put i
Page 100 and 101:
Incredibly, he stopped. “What?”
Page 102 and 103:
“Don’t be coy. This could be a
Page 104 and 105:
Tim, who was my best friend in Ms.
Page 106 and 107:
As we walked home from school, Roge
Page 108 and 109:
"Then...I dunno, do something to de
Page 110 and 111:
"He’s practicing for a play audit
Page 112 and 113:
And then an answer: "Leave me alone
Page 114 and 115:
this gentleman is sounding depresse
Page 116 and 117:
"No?" Dennis asked. Roger shook his
Page 118 and 119:
SUCKERS A Harry McGlade/Andrew Mayh
Page 120 and 121:
she's the kind of person who would
Page 122 and 123:
"I know she looks different," Phoeb
Page 124 and 125:
"Neither do I. So my only alternati
Page 126 and 127:
The man aimed his penlight back at
Page 128 and 129:
ut this was the first one to take p
Page 130 and 131:
starter cord. "You're at least goin
Page 132 and 133:
"Honored, huh?" I said, though in m
Page 134 and 135:
"Yes," somebody replied. My heart g
Page 136 and 137:
let the ladies take what they wante
Page 138 and 139:
with lunging fangs got a Moe-style
Page 140 and 141:
Andrew "Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Hee
Page 142 and 143:
giggled with her. I, myself, did no
Page 144 and 145:
If life were indeed like a box of c
Page 146 and 147:
"I didn’t leave her! I was kidnap
Page 148 and 149:
ag off the IV stand, and then plodd
Page 150 and 151:
Correction #3: Dan didn't even have
Page 152 and 153:
You know, Ann somebody, the one who
Page 154 and 155:
- 10 - Harry "Keeeyaaaa!" I struck
Page 156 and 157:
—Harrison Harold McGlade, Chicago
Page 158 and 159:
Harry McGlade's stupidity saved his
Page 160 and 161:
INTERVIEW Jeff Strand interviews Jo
Page 162 and 163:
Jeff: Jim Varney is dead, and I’l
Page 164 and 165:
Jeff: What about them? I’m not su
Page 166 and 167:
Jeff: -and we’re out of time for
Page 168:
Read the Andrew Mayhem series by Je
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Suckers - J.A. Konrath

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