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278 SNAKES IN SUITS
of the belief that everyone is good at heart, only needs a chance,
and is capable of genuine reform. Perhaps this is why so many of
those in the helping professions find themselves in big trouble
by trying to help a psychopath. As one psychopath put it, “I love
do-gooders because they do me such good.”
Many victims are unwitting participants in psychopathic manipulation.
We have found repeatedly, in the cases reported to us in
e-mails, letters, and interviews with victims, that many did not know
that they were dealing with a psychopath until it was too late. While the
specific details of each case may differ, the feelings, attitudes, behaviors,
and outcomes the victims described seemed to form a pattern or
process. What follows is our understanding of these stages, roughly
in the order they seem to appear: temptation (your curiosity goes up,
your guard comes down), bonding (you believe you have found the
perfect relationship), collusion (wanting to please them, you give in
to their expectations and demands), self-doubt and denial (you
blame yourself for their unhappiness; you are blind to the truth),
abuse (you take what they dish out), realization (you see that you
have been played the fool), shame (you feel too embarrassed to tell
others or seek help), anger and vindication (you want to get even; you
repair the damage done).
7. Avoid Temptation (Good Luck!)
First impressions can be deceiving. Unfortunately, the first impressions
most of us have of psychopaths are positive. Their manifest
charm, attractive appearance, verbal fluency, and adroit use of flattery
and ego stroking can be very effective. But these impressions are
like the promise offered by the jacket of a bad book. The unfortunate
difference is that we seldom buy a book without first flipping
through the pages or at least reading some reviews, whereas we often