volume one IN THE D U D L E Y C L A R K - Ohio Vine Tours

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is simple: he is excited that he is about to satisfy his burning curiosity. When he knows the name of the guys singing on the tape, then he can go looking for some more of their music. There must be plenty more out there somewhere. But first he has to know their name. Roy achieves the first part of his goal—he reaches the counter. The second part of his goal, talking to the guy behind the counter, seems a bit more elusive. Roy clears his throat. He removes his headphones, since he is not listening to the tape anymore, and clears his throat again, this time louder. The guy behind the counter pulls out an album from the cardboard box and scans it before turning it over and studying its sleeve. Roy coughs. The guy continues scanning. Roy coughs again, this time louder. The guy scans again, this time harder. Does the scanning guy know Roy is standing there, coughing and clearing his throat, but just doesn’t care, is ignoring him on purpose? Isn’t there supposed to be a little bell or something on the counter to ring for service? Roy doesn’t know how unwanted bells are in this Devil’s Din music store. “Hey!” This monosyllable is unleashed by Roy. The guy, choosing to keep the album he has selected and so arduously scanned, drops it on top of one of the two cantering towers of LPs. “Excuse me?” Roy has doubled his chances by doubling his syllables. But, apparently they are not spoken loud enough. He tries again, this time louder. “EXCUSE ME!” So caught up is he in this phase of his undertaking—the part that requires getting the guy’s attention—that Roy is quite unprepared for what to do when he succeeds, which he now does. 12 ROY ROGERS IN THE 21ST CENTURY
The guy turns and glares. And, for the first time, Roy notices his face. He looks a lot like the late Frank Zappa, who had a musical group called Mothers of Invention, and who was a cool dude who even conducted symphonies, but who never got regular, professional checkups of his male parts. Frank may be pushing up daisies, but his music and mustache live on. The Zappa lookalike continues to glare at Roy. Roy, who would look like a doofus even if Oprah gave him a makeover. Glaring Guy’s lips move. Roy can’t hear a word. Glaring Guy’s lips move again. He watches hatefully as Roy’s lips move. Glaring Guy assumes he must have asked some dumb-ass question. The worst part of his job is dealing with the fucks who come in and ask dumb-ass questions. If it was him, he would keep the door locked and barred and welded shut, but the owner would freak and who the fuck else would hire him to sit around all day listening to music while augmenting his personal LP collection without paying a dime? Doofus is moving his lips again. Glaring Guy is not the least bit curious about what the doofus is saying. In fact, he wishes he would evaporate. But word might get back to the owner, so he reaches under the counter where sits a big, black 126 pound AT3000 seven-channel amp with 2,100 watts of power—enough to stop charging gorillas in their tracks and demolecularize kangaroos—and drops out the volume. There is the story of a man who grew up next to Niagara Falls. Never once in his life did he notice the roar of those billions of tons of falling water. Then, one day, he moved away. And went insane. Roy has heard this story, but never understood until now. Now he can imagine the cold sweats that man must have endured as he went insane without his friendly childhood roar. ROY ROGERS IN THE 21ST CENTURY 12
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volume one ROY ROGERS IN THE TWENTY
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What readers are saying... “Defin
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THE DEDICATION For her forbearance
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THE OPENING QUOTATION I’ve labore
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THE RED FOR RENT sign stops him dea
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The Old Cowboy didn’t know the na
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ROY’S KNUCKLES TAP gently upon th
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duties of her office demand, or the
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The Old Cowboy could rest now. His
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ROY DROPS HIS DUFFLE, and causes hi
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For, Roy is a window washer. He cou
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watched them hanging there, what a
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RAIN PELTS the windowpanes. Tears f
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ROY ROGERS IN THE 21ST CENTURY 1
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The Old Cowboy rose before the sun,
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BLUE, BLUE SKY. White, white clouds
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cry. His ears fill with Rick’s ca
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A WATERY BLUE, BLEARY blue, bleary
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approach of footsteps, or the slam
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two letters. They appear to have be
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ROY LOVES HIS MUSIC. It is the sust
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WAILING WALL is a downtown music st
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to the right of his navel, and bene
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man’s Frank Zappa mustache before
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“You make me come after your hair
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There were times when the Old Cowbo
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GEORGETOWN WAS NOT always hemmed in
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ackfired and Georgetown became even
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THE SONY TAPE PLAYER attached to Ro
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fans. Maybe, this being his later l
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A prime number, and one he’s happ
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BLUE LIGHT FROM a cloud-eclipsed mo
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GROGGY, GRAY, GROANING Roy rises fr
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feathered nether regions of their a
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FOR ROY, moving into the Outside Wo
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Roy may well be the perfected incar
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Crouched on an outcrop of granite,
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ROY’S PLAN IS SIMPLE, almost of n
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Especially Rick the Asshole, and so
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sense. And that doesn’t happen a
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He pulls the cord and stands up. Ro
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underwear. It’s a regular place f
Page 91 and 92: asement. Ammonia fumes from years a
Page 93 and 94: Her big eyes shimmer. “Sh. He mig
Page 95 and 96: “S-Sure.” “Will that be all f
Page 97 and 98: He’s already bought the groceries
Page 99 and 100: The living room is swell. Real neat
Page 101 and 102: Mel pouts. “Hey, you’re not Bra
Page 103 and 104: Meanwhile, far across the kitchen,
Page 105 and 106: ROY ROGERS IN THE 21ST CENTURY 1
Page 107 and 108: The Old Cowboy rode down the bluff,
Page 109 and 110: “TWO SHORT SKINNY mochas—shock
Page 111 and 112: These two men—from such polarized
Page 113 and 114: This has never happened before. Roy
Page 115 and 116: also has a head of frothy, brown cu
Page 117 and 118: outstretched hand. She has had enou
Page 119 and 120: MIST PREVAILS in Seattle throughout
Page 121 and 122: thumpthumpthump Not far from the he
Page 123 and 124: when they see one, so that should b
Page 125 and 126: ROY’S EYES POP OPEN. He had been
Page 127 and 128: The man inside 28/RR took the bait!
Page 129 and 130: accordance with the Lavese Las Mano
Page 131 and 132: The Old Cowboy looked down on the t
Page 133 and 134: ROY STANDS BEFORE 28/RR, right hand
Page 135 and 136: Doughy clouds thicken with light. M
Page 137 and 138: And here’s how it happened… FLA
Page 139 and 140: him and it uses his name. He places
Page 141: stair are more likely to become fri
Page 145 and 146: something that vaguely haunts him f
Page 147 and 148: the song had sounded so much nicer
Page 149 and 150: notice what everyone else on the si
Page 151 and 152: A tumbleweed tumbles weedily. Off i
Page 153 and 154: taught to do this at the secret Bar
Page 155 and 156: promises that one day they, too, sh
Page 157 and 158: Roy’s decision to go home may see
Page 159 and 160: “CLICK” Roy Stands before 28/RR
Page 161 and 162: Does Roy lower his hand and slink a
Page 163 and 164: The strawberry roan nodded and snor
Page 165 and 166: THE OCCUPANT OF 2 /RR, bless him, m
Page 167 and 168: his shoulders. It seems like a coup
Page 169 and 170: Best not to annoy the bald dude. Mi
Page 171 and 172: He takes a breath, licks his lips a
Page 173 and 174: fisherman trying to land a fish too
Page 175 and 176: ROY’S BRAIN has a remarkable memo
Page 177 and 178: the Odd Duck Club, a short-lived mu
Page 179 and 180: general public, they almost made it
Page 181 and 182: hosed it all away, washed it down h
Page 183 and 184: o-lay-dee-o-day-lay-de-o-day-lay-de
Page 185 and 186: The Old Cowboy wrapped the reins on
Page 187 and 188: The other hands at the bar returned
Page 189 and 190: “I dint come in here for no troub
Page 191 and 192: WHEN DAWN COMES to the quartzite sk
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into Lake Washington. They get shot
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Old Guy backs up a bit—his gun ne
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Finally, besides blinking, Roy can
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Like a piece of origami, Old Guy’
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Young Guy nods. “Yeah, sure.” O
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Old Guy keeps on smiling. He stands
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The stuff Old Guy’s offering isn
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“Yodel yodel yeah hee ay.” Did
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Roy leans forward, elbows on knees.
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ROY MAKES it. Afterwards, he makes
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He squares his shoulders. He opens
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Mel flutters and flutes. “He not
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The Old Cowboy dropped his scarred
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darkness, his mother and brother wo
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ROY WORRIES the loose change in his
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to leotards, from hair spiked to ha
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And leads him to a far-off, seldom
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ecause he buys a CD player. It’s
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It’s too late to turn tail now. H
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Roy moistens his lips. The image of
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“You won’t regret it.” Roy pr
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“With tax, it comes to $188.97.
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“What’s this so-called friend
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Rick closes the blade and chuckles.
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Her name was Mathilde Oliphante Dou
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Since this was principally cattle c
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“GO ON, ROY—DRAW!” Roy finds
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He tries to focus on Pete’s gun h
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“Let’s try somethin’ differen
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Pete rewinds the movie. “First—
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It is what o’time in the whenever
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Pete nudges. Holds out the joint. S
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did. With the exception, of course,
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At thirteen, he stood tall and broa
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she knew was she needed her loved o
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“RAOUL WALSH is where we’ll sta
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theatre was about to invest in 70mm
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“When we gonna watch that?” “
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That would be rude. But it’s what
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Sorrow followed like an old scoldin
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Wilson, a bilious-appearing man, lo
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“THE SONS FIRST appeared in a 193
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His own, personal joint. Imagine th
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Judge Roy Bean will never leave the
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“You got the look of a man whose
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“SERGEANT WESTON!” “Suh!”
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squeak He is still dressed, having
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“Yeah.” Rick’s eyes narrow.
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“And, fuckin’ A—I’m not you
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“That is, if he had any—haha.
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From beneath the shadow cast by his
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“No, sir.” “Very well. You li
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“ROY ROGERS was th’ real deal.
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Her eyes, like the sky, start to mi
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Pete mixes runny eggs with hash bro
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Watching Pete unzip the pouch, Roy
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“What’s eatin’ you?” Roy sh
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From Ft. Belknap, on their journey
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The Young Cowboy, with a look to hi
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A BUG-EYED black boy opens the pick
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hairs from his ears. Not all mind y
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He studies Pete from head to toe.
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Mel holds erect the selfsame, still
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daddy wasn’t drunk and beating on
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“Where’s the wine? You drink it
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dread “—I told you to bring des
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lobbied by lower thoughts, swell ch
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Pete snorts. “Or Tom Mix, Gene Au
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Pete slides his chair out from unde
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“You!” Pete turns and stares at
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Roy squeezes his eyes together. Col
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THE END OF VOLUME ONE ROY ROGERS IN
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ROY ROGERS IN THE 21ST CENTURY 2
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THE ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS Blue Shadows o
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FROM VOLUME TWO Sentimental? Is Roy
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volume one IN THE D U D L E Y C L A R K - Ohio Vine Tours

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