volume one IN THE D U D L E Y C L A R K - Ohio Vine Tours

about the details of his toilette. He extends the courtesy of his
lack of curiosity in this matter to everyone he knows, and hopes
for the same from them. But not everyone he knows shares his
delicate sensibility. Take his brother, Rick the Asshole. He’ll
whip his out anywhere, in a public place even, if he feels the urge
to do so, which is far too often as far as Roy is concerned. How
many times has Roy stood at a urinal guarding his precious
secret while Rick would back off several paces and trace letters,
even whole paragraphs, with his yellow stream? And he would
pass gas, too, would Rick, whenever and wherever he damned
well pleased, especially on crowded elevators, and not sneak one
out either, but force it out just to make it louder.
Outside of Rick, Roy doesn’t know many people. There’s
Mel, Rick’s roommate, and a few of Mel’s friends. But they’re all
gay, so they don’t really count, because Roy isn’t gay. At least, he
doesn’t think he is. Mel is sometimes nice, sometimes mean. He
and all his gay friends are always making potty humor at Roy’s
expense.
Roy pulls his door open some more.
Their jokes make him uncomfortable, make him feel maybe
there’s something wrong with him because he doesn’t find what
they laugh at to be all that funny.
How can something said to hurt another person be funny?
Like an addlepated turtle, he pokes his sleep-tousled head
beyond the door frame, and cranks his face first to the left, then
to the right, taking in the panorama of the vacuous hall.
Life can be so filled with obstacles.
Take this hall, for example. It appears to be empty, as the
building appears to be asleep, so this would appear to be a very
good time to make a run for it. But the Jerry Lewis stretching
effect has landed the B THRO M door somewhere out in the
Pacific Ocean, or in the Utah desert.
Roy has never been good with directions.
He opens his door all the way.
He steps past the threshold and stands in the hall.
One day, he intends to buy a compass.
He stands listening, prepared to streak back inside at the
2 ROY ROGERS IN THE 21ST CENTURY