volume one IN THE D U D L E Y C L A R K - Ohio Vine Tours

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Ask the guy inside what the hell it is he listens to that has wrecked him—Roy—like this. But Roy is not constituted that way. That is not how the Great Happy One constructed him. The question then arises, how is he, Roy Weston, if it is necessary that he do so, and it appears as though it is, ever going to overcome his Old Ways, the comfortable past of his mostly untroubled life, to acquire the arcane musical information he so badly desires? How is he, a shy loner—just how is he ever going to bridge the chasm that yawns between 23 and 28/RR? What does a Prime Number have that a Perfect Number could want? Because this he knows for certain—once he knocks on that door (if he ever does), he will be faced with one of two things: acceptance or rejection. Roy’s whole life has been built upon this simple, powerful twovalue system. Acceptance or rejection. Mostly, it’s been rejection. His parents rejected him, his Brother the Asshole rejects him, society shuns him, his landlady can’t stand him, and on and on. It stands to reason then that the fellow with the Cowboys and Indians towels and beatific tunes who dwells within 28/RR will also reject him. And, why shouldn’t he? How else could it be? What does poor Roy Weston have to offer anyone? Indeed. What does he? What does poor Roy Weston? What does he have? ROY ROGERS IN THE 21ST CENTURY
GROGGY, GRAY, GROANING Roy rises from his bed. He squinches his eyes and scrunches his face. Now, if only he can stand. Roy Weston stands. Cowering pigeons coo on his windowsill. Roy wobbles to his door and snicks open its lock. With the sound of fatigued metal, he cranks on the doorknob until it runs out of crank. With his left shoulder slabbed up against flocked wallpaper, he opens the door enough for one of his watery blue orbs to roam the hallway. He tips his face forward so the leading edge of the door encounters and bisects the ridge of his brow. He needs the support of both wall and door to keep from falling over. The hallway stands empty. Unlike Roy. The bar of light that lives at the bottom of 28/RR is asleep. O, Lucky Bar! Roy has tossed and turned all night, headphones cuddling his neck. His neck as a result is nice and warm. His ears—perhaps the most highly developed portion of himself—can hear the pathetic cooing of shivering pigeons on his windowsill. Having once been a shivering pigeon himself, Roy understands. But his sleeplessness was worth it. For, Roy’s mind is made up. ROY ROGERS IN THE 21ST CENTURY
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volume one ROY ROGERS IN THE TWENTY
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What readers are saying... “Defin
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THE DEDICATION For her forbearance
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THE OPENING QUOTATION I’ve labore
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THE RED FOR RENT sign stops him dea
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The Old Cowboy didn’t know the na
Page 19 and 20: ROY’S KNUCKLES TAP gently upon th
Page 21 and 22: duties of her office demand, or the
Page 23 and 24: The Old Cowboy could rest now. His
Page 25 and 26: ROY DROPS HIS DUFFLE, and causes hi
Page 27 and 28: For, Roy is a window washer. He cou
Page 29 and 30: watched them hanging there, what a
Page 31 and 32: RAIN PELTS the windowpanes. Tears f
Page 33 and 34: ROY ROGERS IN THE 21ST CENTURY 1
Page 35 and 36: The Old Cowboy rose before the sun,
Page 37 and 38: BLUE, BLUE SKY. White, white clouds
Page 39 and 40: cry. His ears fill with Rick’s ca
Page 41 and 42: A WATERY BLUE, BLEARY blue, bleary
Page 43 and 44: approach of footsteps, or the slam
Page 45 and 46: two letters. They appear to have be
Page 47 and 48: ROY LOVES HIS MUSIC. It is the sust
Page 49 and 50: WAILING WALL is a downtown music st
Page 51 and 52: to the right of his navel, and bene
Page 53 and 54: man’s Frank Zappa mustache before
Page 55 and 56: “You make me come after your hair
Page 57 and 58: There were times when the Old Cowbo
Page 59 and 60: GEORGETOWN WAS NOT always hemmed in
Page 61 and 62: ackfired and Georgetown became even
Page 63 and 64: THE SONY TAPE PLAYER attached to Ro
Page 65 and 66: fans. Maybe, this being his later l
Page 67 and 68: A prime number, and one he’s happ
Page 69: BLUE LIGHT FROM a cloud-eclipsed mo
Page 73 and 74: feathered nether regions of their a
Page 75 and 76: FOR ROY, moving into the Outside Wo
Page 77 and 78: Roy may well be the perfected incar
Page 79 and 80: Crouched on an outcrop of granite,
Page 81 and 82: ROY’S PLAN IS SIMPLE, almost of n
Page 83 and 84: Especially Rick the Asshole, and so
Page 85 and 86: sense. And that doesn’t happen a
Page 87 and 88: He pulls the cord and stands up. Ro
Page 89 and 90: underwear. It’s a regular place f
Page 91 and 92: asement. Ammonia fumes from years a
Page 93 and 94: Her big eyes shimmer. “Sh. He mig
Page 95 and 96: “S-Sure.” “Will that be all f
Page 97 and 98: He’s already bought the groceries
Page 99 and 100: The living room is swell. Real neat
Page 101 and 102: Mel pouts. “Hey, you’re not Bra
Page 103 and 104: Meanwhile, far across the kitchen,
Page 105 and 106: ROY ROGERS IN THE 21ST CENTURY 1
Page 107 and 108: The Old Cowboy rode down the bluff,
Page 109 and 110: “TWO SHORT SKINNY mochas—shock
Page 111 and 112: These two men—from such polarized
Page 113 and 114: This has never happened before. Roy
Page 115 and 116: also has a head of frothy, brown cu
Page 117 and 118: outstretched hand. She has had enou
Page 119 and 120: MIST PREVAILS in Seattle throughout
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thumpthumpthump Not far from the he
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when they see one, so that should b
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ROY’S EYES POP OPEN. He had been
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The man inside 28/RR took the bait!
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accordance with the Lavese Las Mano
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The Old Cowboy looked down on the t
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ROY STANDS BEFORE 28/RR, right hand
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Doughy clouds thicken with light. M
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And here’s how it happened… FLA
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him and it uses his name. He places
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stair are more likely to become fri
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The guy turns and glares. And, for
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something that vaguely haunts him f
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the song had sounded so much nicer
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notice what everyone else on the si
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A tumbleweed tumbles weedily. Off i
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taught to do this at the secret Bar
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promises that one day they, too, sh
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Roy’s decision to go home may see
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“CLICK” Roy Stands before 28/RR
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Does Roy lower his hand and slink a
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The strawberry roan nodded and snor
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THE OCCUPANT OF 2 /RR, bless him, m
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his shoulders. It seems like a coup
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Best not to annoy the bald dude. Mi
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He takes a breath, licks his lips a
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fisherman trying to land a fish too
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ROY’S BRAIN has a remarkable memo
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the Odd Duck Club, a short-lived mu
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general public, they almost made it
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hosed it all away, washed it down h
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o-lay-dee-o-day-lay-de-o-day-lay-de
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The Old Cowboy wrapped the reins on
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The other hands at the bar returned
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“I dint come in here for no troub
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WHEN DAWN COMES to the quartzite sk
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into Lake Washington. They get shot
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Old Guy backs up a bit—his gun ne
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Finally, besides blinking, Roy can
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Like a piece of origami, Old Guy’
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Young Guy nods. “Yeah, sure.” O
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Old Guy keeps on smiling. He stands
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The stuff Old Guy’s offering isn
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“Yodel yodel yeah hee ay.” Did
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Roy leans forward, elbows on knees.
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ROY MAKES it. Afterwards, he makes
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He squares his shoulders. He opens
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Mel flutters and flutes. “He not
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The Old Cowboy dropped his scarred
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darkness, his mother and brother wo
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ROY WORRIES the loose change in his
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to leotards, from hair spiked to ha
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And leads him to a far-off, seldom
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ecause he buys a CD player. It’s
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It’s too late to turn tail now. H
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Roy moistens his lips. The image of
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“You won’t regret it.” Roy pr
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“With tax, it comes to $188.97.
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“What’s this so-called friend
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Rick closes the blade and chuckles.
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Her name was Mathilde Oliphante Dou
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Since this was principally cattle c
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“GO ON, ROY—DRAW!” Roy finds
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He tries to focus on Pete’s gun h
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“Let’s try somethin’ differen
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Pete rewinds the movie. “First—
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It is what o’time in the whenever
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Pete nudges. Holds out the joint. S
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did. With the exception, of course,
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At thirteen, he stood tall and broa
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she knew was she needed her loved o
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“RAOUL WALSH is where we’ll sta
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theatre was about to invest in 70mm
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“When we gonna watch that?” “
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That would be rude. But it’s what
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Sorrow followed like an old scoldin
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Wilson, a bilious-appearing man, lo
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“THE SONS FIRST appeared in a 193
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His own, personal joint. Imagine th
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Judge Roy Bean will never leave the
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“You got the look of a man whose
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“SERGEANT WESTON!” “Suh!”
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squeak He is still dressed, having
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“Yeah.” Rick’s eyes narrow.
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“And, fuckin’ A—I’m not you
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“That is, if he had any—haha.
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From beneath the shadow cast by his
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“No, sir.” “Very well. You li
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“ROY ROGERS was th’ real deal.
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Her eyes, like the sky, start to mi
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Pete mixes runny eggs with hash bro
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Watching Pete unzip the pouch, Roy
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“What’s eatin’ you?” Roy sh
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From Ft. Belknap, on their journey
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The Young Cowboy, with a look to hi
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A BUG-EYED black boy opens the pick
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hairs from his ears. Not all mind y
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He studies Pete from head to toe.
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Mel holds erect the selfsame, still
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daddy wasn’t drunk and beating on
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“Where’s the wine? You drink it
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dread “—I told you to bring des
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lobbied by lower thoughts, swell ch
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Pete snorts. “Or Tom Mix, Gene Au
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Pete slides his chair out from unde
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“You!” Pete turns and stares at
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Roy squeezes his eyes together. Col
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THE END OF VOLUME ONE ROY ROGERS IN
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ROY ROGERS IN THE 21ST CENTURY 2
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THE ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS Blue Shadows o
Page 341 and 342:
FROM VOLUME TWO Sentimental? Is Roy
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