volume one IN THE D U D L E Y C L A R K - Ohio Vine Tours

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ights, or their liberation, or their body parts or whatever it was they’re always so angry about. In point of fact, Roy cares nothing for political movements. It’s just that he lives in a massively Politically Correct city and, even though he does not share directly in that culture’s mainstream bounty, certain prejudices have managed to percolate through and find comfortable lodging in his constitution. Among these is a disapproval of the aforementioned C-word, not to mention use of the dreaded word that begins with N.) Roy wishes he could steal. It would be so easy, is so tempting, just to slip the black-and-gold Memorex tape into his pocket. Who would see him? The skinny, long-haired man behind the counter has his back to him. The store, except for them, is empty. It always is during the day. At night you don’t want to be here. At least, Roy doesn’t. Roy only looks like a freak. The man behind the counter jabs one finger, stiffened, into the air. “I’ll stick my .45 up your ass and blow your fuckin’ brains out you don’t give me my shit back!” Thoughts of shoplifting haze. The back of the man’s tee-shirt reads: IN THE ASS. Roy approaches the counter. Speakers that hang from chains pound out a bone marrow massage while Roy’s headphones spew forth really loud droogy shit. Thus stands Roy, laved by raucous tympani, assailed by an incantatory din; stands thus Roy, watching the man behind the counter gesticulate and shout, vaguely aware of the foul language he must be using, blissfully unable to hear it. After a spell, the skinny man in black turns and notices Roy. He glares hatefully at the single tape Roy holds. Still shouting into the little holes of his telephone’s mouthpiece, he pounds the register, then slides the two coins across the counter and throws them at the cash register’s open drawer. One settles into the well reserved for pennies, the other bounces out to land somewhere on the floor in music-induced silence. 0 ROY ROGERS IN THE 21ST CENTURY
“You make me come after your hairy ass and you’re dead! You hear me, bitch? I’ll fucking hang your skinned carcass in a meat locker you you—FUCK!” Roy grips his new treasure, anxious to get away from the man behind the counter, anxious to get away from the counter itself, anxious to get away from the black tee-shirt’s bright, white lettering, anxious to hear Suzi Quatro sing Your Mama Won’t Like Me, and Jail House Rock. Tiny bells tinkle unnoticed above Roy’s insouciant head. ting-a-ling ting-a-ling If only the demons could hear. ROY ROGERS IN THE 21ST CENTURY 1
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volume one ROY ROGERS IN THE TWENTY
Page 3 and 4: What readers are saying... “Defin
Page 7: THE DEDICATION For her forbearance
Page 11: THE OPENING QUOTATION I’ve labore
Page 15 and 16: THE RED FOR RENT sign stops him dea
Page 17 and 18: The Old Cowboy didn’t know the na
Page 19 and 20: ROY’S KNUCKLES TAP gently upon th
Page 21 and 22: duties of her office demand, or the
Page 23 and 24: The Old Cowboy could rest now. His
Page 25 and 26: ROY DROPS HIS DUFFLE, and causes hi
Page 27 and 28: For, Roy is a window washer. He cou
Page 29 and 30: watched them hanging there, what a
Page 31 and 32: RAIN PELTS the windowpanes. Tears f
Page 33 and 34: ROY ROGERS IN THE 21ST CENTURY 1
Page 35 and 36: The Old Cowboy rose before the sun,
Page 37 and 38: BLUE, BLUE SKY. White, white clouds
Page 39 and 40: cry. His ears fill with Rick’s ca
Page 41 and 42: A WATERY BLUE, BLEARY blue, bleary
Page 43 and 44: approach of footsteps, or the slam
Page 45 and 46: two letters. They appear to have be
Page 47 and 48: ROY LOVES HIS MUSIC. It is the sust
Page 49 and 50: WAILING WALL is a downtown music st
Page 51 and 52: to the right of his navel, and bene
Page 53: man’s Frank Zappa mustache before
Page 57 and 58: There were times when the Old Cowbo
Page 59 and 60: GEORGETOWN WAS NOT always hemmed in
Page 61 and 62: ackfired and Georgetown became even
Page 63 and 64: THE SONY TAPE PLAYER attached to Ro
Page 65 and 66: fans. Maybe, this being his later l
Page 67 and 68: A prime number, and one he’s happ
Page 69 and 70: BLUE LIGHT FROM a cloud-eclipsed mo
Page 71 and 72: GROGGY, GRAY, GROANING Roy rises fr
Page 73 and 74: feathered nether regions of their a
Page 75 and 76: FOR ROY, moving into the Outside Wo
Page 77 and 78: Roy may well be the perfected incar
Page 79 and 80: Crouched on an outcrop of granite,
Page 81 and 82: ROY’S PLAN IS SIMPLE, almost of n
Page 83 and 84: Especially Rick the Asshole, and so
Page 85 and 86: sense. And that doesn’t happen a
Page 87 and 88: He pulls the cord and stands up. Ro
Page 89 and 90: underwear. It’s a regular place f
Page 91 and 92: asement. Ammonia fumes from years a
Page 93 and 94: Her big eyes shimmer. “Sh. He mig
Page 95 and 96: “S-Sure.” “Will that be all f
Page 97 and 98: He’s already bought the groceries
Page 99 and 100: The living room is swell. Real neat
Page 101 and 102: Mel pouts. “Hey, you’re not Bra
Page 103 and 104: Meanwhile, far across the kitchen,
Page 105 and 106:
ROY ROGERS IN THE 21ST CENTURY 1
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The Old Cowboy rode down the bluff,
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“TWO SHORT SKINNY mochas—shock
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These two men—from such polarized
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This has never happened before. Roy
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also has a head of frothy, brown cu
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outstretched hand. She has had enou
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MIST PREVAILS in Seattle throughout
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thumpthumpthump Not far from the he
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when they see one, so that should b
Page 125 and 126:
ROY’S EYES POP OPEN. He had been
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The man inside 28/RR took the bait!
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accordance with the Lavese Las Mano
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The Old Cowboy looked down on the t
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ROY STANDS BEFORE 28/RR, right hand
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Doughy clouds thicken with light. M
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And here’s how it happened… FLA
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him and it uses his name. He places
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stair are more likely to become fri
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The guy turns and glares. And, for
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something that vaguely haunts him f
Page 147 and 148:
the song had sounded so much nicer
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notice what everyone else on the si
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A tumbleweed tumbles weedily. Off i
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taught to do this at the secret Bar
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promises that one day they, too, sh
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Roy’s decision to go home may see
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“CLICK” Roy Stands before 28/RR
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Does Roy lower his hand and slink a
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The strawberry roan nodded and snor
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THE OCCUPANT OF 2 /RR, bless him, m
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his shoulders. It seems like a coup
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Best not to annoy the bald dude. Mi
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He takes a breath, licks his lips a
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fisherman trying to land a fish too
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ROY’S BRAIN has a remarkable memo
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the Odd Duck Club, a short-lived mu
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general public, they almost made it
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hosed it all away, washed it down h
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o-lay-dee-o-day-lay-de-o-day-lay-de
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The Old Cowboy wrapped the reins on
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The other hands at the bar returned
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“I dint come in here for no troub
Page 191 and 192:
WHEN DAWN COMES to the quartzite sk
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into Lake Washington. They get shot
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Old Guy backs up a bit—his gun ne
Page 197 and 198:
Finally, besides blinking, Roy can
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Like a piece of origami, Old Guy’
Page 201 and 202:
Young Guy nods. “Yeah, sure.” O
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Old Guy keeps on smiling. He stands
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The stuff Old Guy’s offering isn
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“Yodel yodel yeah hee ay.” Did
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Roy leans forward, elbows on knees.
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ROY MAKES it. Afterwards, he makes
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He squares his shoulders. He opens
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Mel flutters and flutes. “He not
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The Old Cowboy dropped his scarred
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darkness, his mother and brother wo
Page 221 and 222:
ROY WORRIES the loose change in his
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to leotards, from hair spiked to ha
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And leads him to a far-off, seldom
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ecause he buys a CD player. It’s
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It’s too late to turn tail now. H
Page 231 and 232:
Roy moistens his lips. The image of
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“You won’t regret it.” Roy pr
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“With tax, it comes to $188.97.
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“What’s this so-called friend
Page 239 and 240:
Rick closes the blade and chuckles.
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Her name was Mathilde Oliphante Dou
Page 243 and 244:
Since this was principally cattle c
Page 245 and 246:
“GO ON, ROY—DRAW!” Roy finds
Page 247 and 248:
He tries to focus on Pete’s gun h
Page 249 and 250:
“Let’s try somethin’ differen
Page 251 and 252:
Pete rewinds the movie. “First—
Page 253 and 254:
It is what o’time in the whenever
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Pete nudges. Holds out the joint. S
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did. With the exception, of course,
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At thirteen, he stood tall and broa
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she knew was she needed her loved o
Page 263 and 264:
“RAOUL WALSH is where we’ll sta
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theatre was about to invest in 70mm
Page 267 and 268:
“When we gonna watch that?” “
Page 269 and 270:
That would be rude. But it’s what
Page 271 and 272:
Sorrow followed like an old scoldin
Page 273 and 274:
Wilson, a bilious-appearing man, lo
Page 275 and 276:
“THE SONS FIRST appeared in a 193
Page 277 and 278:
His own, personal joint. Imagine th
Page 279 and 280:
Judge Roy Bean will never leave the
Page 281 and 282:
“You got the look of a man whose
Page 283 and 284:
“SERGEANT WESTON!” “Suh!”
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squeak He is still dressed, having
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“Yeah.” Rick’s eyes narrow.
Page 289 and 290:
“And, fuckin’ A—I’m not you
Page 291 and 292:
“That is, if he had any—haha.
Page 293 and 294:
From beneath the shadow cast by his
Page 295 and 296:
“No, sir.” “Very well. You li
Page 297 and 298:
“ROY ROGERS was th’ real deal.
Page 299 and 300:
Her eyes, like the sky, start to mi
Page 301 and 302:
Pete mixes runny eggs with hash bro
Page 303 and 304:
Watching Pete unzip the pouch, Roy
Page 305 and 306:
“What’s eatin’ you?” Roy sh
Page 307 and 308:
From Ft. Belknap, on their journey
Page 309 and 310:
The Young Cowboy, with a look to hi
Page 311 and 312:
A BUG-EYED black boy opens the pick
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hairs from his ears. Not all mind y
Page 315 and 316:
He studies Pete from head to toe.
Page 317 and 318:
Mel holds erect the selfsame, still
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daddy wasn’t drunk and beating on
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“Where’s the wine? You drink it
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dread “—I told you to bring des
Page 325 and 326:
lobbied by lower thoughts, swell ch
Page 327 and 328:
Pete snorts. “Or Tom Mix, Gene Au
Page 329 and 330:
Pete slides his chair out from unde
Page 331 and 332:
“You!” Pete turns and stares at
Page 333 and 334:
Roy squeezes his eyes together. Col
Page 335 and 336:
THE END OF VOLUME ONE ROY ROGERS IN
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ROY ROGERS IN THE 21ST CENTURY 2
Page 339 and 340:
THE ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS Blue Shadows o
Page 341 and 342:
FROM VOLUME TWO Sentimental? Is Roy
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