volume one IN THE D U D L E Y C L A R K - Ohio Vine Tours

sense. And that doesn’t happen a lot for Roy. Maybe music
shouldn’t be so important to him, but it is. Besides, he’s come
this far. No sense turning back now. He simply has to trust his
gut.
And his gut tells him to bake a lasagna.
But then Roy’s gut would.
2) —the recipe, of course. There are all kinds of lasagnas.
Some people don’t know this. Roy has read tons of cookbooks in
the Seattle Public Library, and he thinks he knows all the kinds
of lasagnas there are. For instance, there’s lasagna made with
zucchini and walnuts; lasagna made with sausage and potatoes;
lasagna made with seafood; lasagna made with spinach and
ham—and that’s just four! There are dozens more. But the one
Roy plans to make for 28/RR is his favorite, four-star classic
lasagna. And to make it, he will need the following ingredients:
pork sausage (12 ounces, or so); fennel (one teaspoon); onion (one,
large, minced); garlic (2 cloves, minced); a can (14 1/2 ounces) of
diced tomatoes (drained); an 8 ounce can of tomato paste; Italian
seasoning (one tablespoon); ricotta cheese (15 ounce container);
Parmesan cheese (1/4 cup, grated); mozzarella cheese (6 ounces,
grated); black pepper; a beaten egg and, of course, lasagna
noodles (6).
The fennel and pepper and garlic are already at Mel’s, as is
his Pyrex baking dish (Roy is allowed to store some of his spices
and cooking utensils in the kitchen, as long as they don’t take up
too much room, but he has to hide everything because if Rick the
Asshole finds it, he’ll throw it all away); the rest he’ll have to buy.
3) —Rick, naturally. Just knowing he’s going to see his
brother and they won’t be engaged in window washing or floor
mopping or cabinet cleaning or carpet vacuuming or dead
body mopping or doing whatever dirty job it is they do together,
makes Roy’s stomach hurt. Even though Roy is older, bigger,
and physically more powerful, he is dwarfed in the presence of
his sadistic little brother. He becomes tongue-tied, befuddled,
incapable of defending himself. Sometimes a week will pass
before Roy can conjure an apt rebuttal to the shit his brother
says, like that he’s a fat pussy who gargles with toilet water. Of
ROY ROGERS IN THE 21ST CENTURY 1