volume one IN THE D U D L E Y C L A R K - Ohio Vine Tours

from the bat-wing piping that crossed his chest and back. His
shirt was purple, with embroidered half-moon pockets and two
large, yellow, vined hibiscus flowers. To finish it off, a bolo tie—
a silver concho—adorned his neck.
His silver-tasseled pants were held up with a rhinestoneembedded
belt, its silver buckle decorated with a golden eagle.
“An original Nudie,” Pete announced, without further
elucidation. “Better to be looked over than overlooked.”
That was why the old gay bus driver stared.
And why all the other passengers on the bus craned their
necks to stare, too, most likely wondered where Pete and his
sidekick might be headed, dressed like that.
Maybe a Rodeo’s in town.
But this is where they were really headed—: to Mel’s, for
Thanksgiving dinner.
“The lettuce is all wilty!”
Pete and Roy stand on Mel’s front porch. The front door
gapes open, the screened door lounges closed.
From inside, a high-pitched voice shrieks—
“I said, the lettuce is all wilty!”
Roy offers Pete a goofy smile.
“It looks like gadamned wet, green toilet paper!”
Pete raps some knuckles on the lounging screen door.
Roy freaks a tiny bit when he hears his brother’s voice.
“—th’ fuck eats that shit, anyhow?”
“Fuckin’ bunnies is who, white retard,” replies the shrill voice.
Pete’s knuckles bark louder.
“Was that the door?” Shriller voice, less shrill this time.
“Someone’s at the door! Answer the fuckin’ door, Rick!”
“Fuck you, bitch.”
“Five dollars and a health card—which I know you ain’t got
neither of.”
From the hallway leading into the kitchen appears Mel.
Roy is disappointed he is not wearing a hooped skirt.
He does, however, wear a lacy apron.
“It’s Roy!” He calls this back over his shoulder. “And he’s not
a-LOWooone!”
Mel arrives at the lazy screen door wearing all kinds of smiles.
00 ROY ROGERS IN THE 21ST CENTURY