volume one IN THE D U D L E Y C L A R K - Ohio Vine Tours

“You!”
Pete turns and stares at Roy.
“You? You shot him?”
Bozo nods.
Rick stands.
“Thou most murderous villain!”
Roy is chewing gum.
“...most…villain!”
But he gets the drift, does Roy.
“Dint.”
“Did so! You killed him.”
A gun appears in Roy’s hand.
Pete gasps and steps back.
“It was you.”
Rick snaps open a switchblade Samurai sword.
Roy shakes his head, backing along the porch until Bozo’s
nose stops him.
beep
“I dint. I’m innocent. It was Jason—”
Jason sticks his head back outside of Herbie.
“Nah-uh! I saw the whole thing—baldy did it! Kill him,
Ricky! Kill ’im, Roy! Whoo-hoo!”
A somber Pete agrees.
“You better kill ’im ’fore he kills you. Then me. Then all th’
virgins in th’ world.”
Roy transforms into Don Knotts and points a blunderbuss at
Rick.
“But th-th-the eels, Andy—”
“Eels my ass!” Rick advances towards his brother. “You
killed my lover!”
“Tell ’im, baby,” encourages a moaning, murdered Mel.
Roy’s pink-and-green tie-dyed Bermuda shorts are gone. In
their place, he wears a classic cowboy rig covered in rhinestones
and sequins.
Just like a real, godamned cowboy.
A silver-banded black hat rests atop his head.
He has grown a mustache.
“Don’t take another step, Bart.”
ROY ROGERS IN THE 21ST CENTURY 1