volume one IN THE D U D L E Y C L A R K - Ohio Vine Tours

Especially Rick the Asshole, and sometimes Mel the
Homosexual.
Thus, it is with a heavy heart that Roy trudges forth on
the journey to Mel’s house, a nineteen-thirties faded yellow
clapboard Craftsman nestled on the backside of Capitol Hill in
an upscale community of turn-of-the-century, turreted, leadedglass-and-colonnaded
homes, one block off 15th Ave.
Mel’s is one of the houses held in least regard by a trim
and subdued neighborhood. One of the last houses left in that
part of the world not to have undergone lovingly-executed
and astronomically-expensive renovation, it is a house in sad
disrepair, in need of just about everything, especially paint and a
chimney, but—and this is small consolation to his neighbors—set
far enough back from the sidewalk, and separated by a tawdry
lawn spotted with lackluster, weedy roses behind a faded white
picket fence, so as to be almost unnoticeable to the casual
passerby.
To his neighbors, however, it remains a constant eyesore, one
that all and sundry hope eventually will be mismanaged into
repossession and fall into more tasteful and ambitious hands.
Hands warmed in deep, lint-free pockets.
Capitol Hill is a haven for the gay and straight well-to-do.
Spotted with classical and neo-classical facades, it is a favorite
venue for Californian film makers who don’t want to drive all the
way to Canada. Driveways are congested with late model Saabs
and Escalades. Boston ferns abound, as does the incessant highpitched
whine of lawn blowers as yards infrequently touched by
their owners are massaged and sculpted into loveliness by men
who speak foreign tongues and drive rusted pickup trucks.
One block over—on sprightly 15th Ave—there exists a
hodgepodge of trendy businesses, such as: Stuff It! (an erotic
bakery); Glam Grrls (retro 70s clothing); Reading Out Loud (a
gay & lesbian bookstore); three Starbucks; Eat Right Now (an
organic grocery); Frayed Edges (S & M leather repair); Nose Workes
(aromatherapy shoppe); two fiercely competing Yoga studios
(Anusara versus Iyengar); Hard Balls (Pilates); Chew-N-Spew
(a Pizzeria-Laundromat); two internet cafes, Safety Last and
ROY ROGERS IN THE 21ST CENTURY