In Search of Enemies - A CIA Story - John Stockwell

(56] IN SEARCH OF ENEMIES
three things: that I would always separate in my own mind the truth
from the professional cover stories and lies; that I would never be
afraid of the agency or any of its directors; and that I would not stay
with it too long.
Vietnam had almost been too Iong. After that, I knew that if I did
not act to resolve my conflicts with the agency I risked becoming one
of the burned-out, middle-grade case officers that clog the halls of
CIA headquarters. On April 23, I had fl.own out of Saigon in a C-130
to a refugee tent city at Clark Air Force Base exhausted and demoralized.
Bitter memories crowded in while I lay for days on a cot staring
at the green tent canvas overhead, waiting for a flight to the States.
A week later I was back at headquarters, wandering down the
halls, sticking my head in offices, enjoying the warm greetings from
old buddies and the curious stares of new officers.
In from the cold? Case officers often come back unnoticed, drained
by their experiences and haunted by their consciences, by the suspicion
that the things they had done were pointless as well as cruel.
They rarely have the same sparkle and drive on the next assignment
--or the next. In offices throughout headquarters there were those
who had given up, who were walking out their years before early
retirement, becoming grey fixtures like the safes and Xerox machines.
I had reached an enviable level. Senior officers were cordial and
accepted me almost as an insider, and the younger officers sought out
my company. I was making s32,ooo a year. In twelve years I could
expect to retire with a s20,ooo pension. Security. The CIA almost
never terminated staff officers before retirement age. Perhaps I could
find a change of pace within the CIA itself, something out of operations
that would keep the momentum of my career going.
Now, in one day, I had come from the sleepy hills of central Texas
to learn of the CIA's latest supersecret covert action-a war that
could easily escalate into a major confrontation with the Soviet
Union. They were asking me to play a major role in planning and
running it.
I decided to stay a few days longer, to understand this new
paramilitary thing, IAFEA TURE, and then face a tough decision.