GURDJIEFF, G.I. – Life is real only then, when I am - Integral Book

From such a "promenade," it was discovered I was not yet completelydestroyed, and several months later, to my misfortune, into my totallymutilated body there returned in full force, with all its former attributes,my consciousness.After this very soon there definitely emerged and became clear the twofollowing unmistakable facts:The first fact consisted in that all that I had finally more or less dulyprepared in the last three years as a means for the possibility ofachieving the second principal aim of my inner world must, due to along pause in my personal participation, inevitably perish.The second consisted in that, if the damage to my physical body whichwas caused by the automobile accident could be repaired, it would not,in any case, be at all soon.When these two indubitable facts became quite clear to me, there beganin me, within the already enveloping sphere of physical sufferings,moral sufferings also.By this time I could already move about the house and even ride in anautomobile, of course always aided by someone.Trying to be outwardly calm in everything, so as not to make my nearpeople solicitous about me, I, inwardly, to the accompaniment of thesetwo kinds of sufferings, thought and thought and thought about mysituation.During just these thoughts there arose in me a second series of moralsufferings.Namely: I became aware, and after some days of unnoticed observationdefinitely established the fact, that the terrible illness of my sincerelyloved wife, owing to the pause in my special treatment and also to herforgetfulness of self in ministering to me during my illness, had been soneglected that