GURDJIEFF, G.I. – Life is real only then, when I am - Integral Book

the intensity of my inner preoccupation with questions of writing haddiminished, there was acquired in my nature, which happens to beformed in a particular way, the possibility of being able withoutexperiencing a feeling similar to "remorse of conscience" to take aninterest in life questions other than those relating to the task set tomyself for the given period under a special oath made in a definite statewhich since childhood had been indicated and firmly instilled in me bymy father. In this "psychic state," I undertook to put the final touches tothe second series, continuing to work, of course, as before, that is tosay, mostly traveling in various European countries, principally inFrance, and being occupied with writing exclusively in various publicplaces, such as restaurants, cafés, "dance halls" and other kindred"temples" of contemporary morality.When from this time on my relationship with all kinds of people wasrenewed, and I began observing them again, due to my half-releasedattention, with a particular capacity intentionally developed in my earlyyouth and which consisted in "being able not to identify with theexternal manifestations of others," I began to notice and upon repeatedmeetings became more and more convinced that in the psyche of all ofthem, men and women alike, who had some knowledge of and interestin my ideas, especially in the psyche of those who had already begun toattempt to make in practice some experiments on themselves, supposedto correspond to my ideas, there proceeded something "wrong," sodefinitely "all wrong" that it was noticeable—of course with a certainknowledge of observation—even to every average person.These repeated constatations not only began to alarm me butaroused gradually in my psyche the "needful thirst for knowledge," forthe purpose of understanding the causes of this fact.