Theft by Finding - David Sedaris

Chronic depression
Chronically stiff neck or shoulder muscles
Stomach ulcers
These people have got you coming and going. You can’t be happy and you can’t be miserable. You
can’t yawn, laugh, or sigh. I am sarcastic, sometimes have a hard time sleeping, get tired at school
and work, and have facial tics. Four out of twenty-two isn’t bad.
Here is the list of telltale attitudes:
We judge ourselves harshly.
We take ourselves seriously and have difficulty having fun.
We are approval seekers and fear personal criticism.
We feel isolated, different from other people.
We focus on others rather than looking honestly at ourselves.
We are attracted to people who are rarely there emotionally for us.
We guess at what normal is.
We live from the viewpoint of victims.
Is seven out of eight bad?
October 5, 1986
Chicago
Lately Neil has stopped sitting down. She hovers, but her ass never touches the floor. I lifted her
tail yesterday and discovered an awful mess. She’s balding back there, and it’s all very raw-looking,
so this afternoon I took her to the Uptown Animal Hospital. At first we were alone in the waiting
room. Then a woman came in with two Persian cats in a carrying case. One was named Wiener and
the other was Schnitzel. A few minutes later a man arrived with a dachshund that was wrapped in a
blanket and was named Schnapps. As I was leaving after seeing the vet, a well-dressed woman
walked in with a white poodle and announced that it was time for Gucci’s distemper shot.
October 9, 1986
Chicago
A list of things that I could paint on a cat:
a log
a telephone receiver
tonic