Theft by Finding - David Sedaris

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Brad: (More slaps.) Bitch, whore. Ginger: (Sobs.) I hate you. I hate this goddamn place and I’m sick and tired of being called a whore. Brad: Who called you a whore? Ginger: Three people. I’m getting out of here. I’ll go live on the streets. You think I’m such a whore, then I’ll go live like one. Brad: (More slaps.) I hate you. Ginger: I hate you. Brad: You don’t care. Ginger: I don’t care. I’ll go to Albion or Medina. (Exit Brad. Enter Stepmother.) Stepmother: Just because everybody calls you a whore doesn’t mean you have to act like one. Ginger: I’m sick of it. I don’t want to wait tables for him no more. Everybody calls me a whore just because I got big tits. Stepmother: Who called you one? Ginger: Sugar. Sugar did. Sugar’s got an ass-whupping coming. (More sobs.) Last week, under Avi’s window, a man from the hotel bar hit a woman for dancing with another man. When we mentioned it to Brad, he said that if she was dancing with someone else, she deserved to be beaten. October 19, 1979 Knowlesville Today we began picking Golden Delicious, the most fragile. I was on the end row, beside the avenue of poplars, and while working I thought of my sister Amy. At lunch Avi and I took thirty-five apples and sent them in a box to the gang back in Raleigh. Each one we wrapped in something different: a sock, a glove, a Xerox of an apple. They were McIntoshes, Macouns, Goldens, and Northern Spies, each then tied in string with a name tag on it. This was payday. So far I have $400 in savings. October 26, 1979 Knowlesville It must have snowed twelve times today, though never for more than three minutes at a stretch. That didn’t stop us from picking, though. In the morning over coffee, Doreen, our waitress, who last month told us that at the age of six she was raped <strong>by</strong> her father, announced that she once worked at a carnival gaming booth and is now a lesbian living in a trailer with her girlfriend, Rocky. I said I was gay too, and she seemed happy and pointed out other gay customers. “That woman
over there, dressed like a man? She’s a dyke who drives a truck and is named Peewee.” Doreen has Rocky’s face decoupaged to her key chain and told me that the two of them were married last year at a gay church in Florida. October 28, 1979 Knowlesville Jean and George, two pickers I overheard this morning: Jean: You’re picking too slow, George. If you hurry up we can get out of here. George: You’re the slow one. Jean: My breakfast hasn’t affected me yet. George: Honey, your breakfast is in my pants. November 6, 1979 Knowlesville Picking ended. I feel like camp is over. In the barn, a party. A long table was set up, and I liked watching everyone but me get plastered. Lots of silly speeches. It’s interesting to work with people for almost six weeks but never see them all together. December 8, 1979 Raleigh I started work back at the Breakfast House today and learned that my gas-company credit rating has slipped to a B. Was ill all day yesterday. When the meth catches up to you, you find yourself paying for it. When on a spree, I’m convinced I can smoke three packs of cigarettes, not eat, and run all over town with no consequences.
Page 4 and 5: Copyright © 2017 by David Sedaris
Page 6 and 7: For Dawn “Friendship Flower” Er
Page 8 and 9: Introduction Not long after decidin
Page 10 and 11: someone else, but that is something
Page 12 and 13: 1977 September 5, 1977 Sacramento,
Page 14 and 15: said Paul was hurt that I hadn’t
Page 16 and 17: What a day. December 1, 1977 West V
Page 18 and 19: April 19, 1978 Chapel Hill Uh Uh Uh
Page 20 and 21: Ronnie was the first person I met w
Page 22 and 23: Odell After I paid my membership an
Page 24 and 25: I’ve returned all my library book
Page 26 and 27: For the umpteenth time I’m sweari
Page 28 and 29: Raleigh I am in trouble with Lisa
Page 30 and 31: Conversation I overheard at the IHO
Page 32 and 33: July 7, 1979 Raleigh Last night, af
Page 36 and 37: 1980 January 1, 1980 Raleigh I gave
Page 38 and 39: April 25, 1980 Raleigh I began work
Page 40 and 41: I dropped my telephone again. Now i
Page 42 and 43: first onto the floor. I was maybe t
Page 44 and 45: Woman: Oh, come on, you slept here
Page 46 and 47: igger. He has a Dutch Boy haircut a
Page 48 and 49: oken or damaged or stolen. Dad says
Page 50 and 51: looded American in the class, a wom
Page 52 and 53: her three dogs in the cellar. They
Page 54 and 55: go home. January 10, 1982 Raleigh N
Page 56 and 57: Raleigh Outside the A&P I saw a wom
Page 58 and 59: Raleigh Mrs. Ewing was at home this
Page 60 and 61: Someone has drawn a swastika on the
Page 62 and 63: April 9, 1982 Raleigh Mom called th
Page 64 and 65: Fair, and while eating they specula
Page 66 and 67: Just as I’m packing to move into
Page 68 and 69: September 20, 1982 Raleigh A joke I
Page 70 and 71: February 18, 1983 Raleigh Last nigh
Page 72 and 73: you could just move the bed into th
Page 74 and 75: When he then walked into the other
Page 76 and 77: I went to Capital Camera this after
Page 78 and 79: 1984 January 6, 1984 Chicago, Illin
Page 80 and 81: this morning. At five I returned to
Page 82 and 83: and I watched as one of the men spo
Page 84 and 85:
used a plate. We talked, and he gav
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There was a long line at the Sherid
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1985 January 9, 1985 Raleigh Since
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July 28, 1985 Chicago Odd family at
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the start of class he said that no
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December 8, 1985 Chicago Here is th
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This afternoon I was hit over the h
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and crying my eyes out.” She rubb
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I saw a bird swoop down this mornin
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September 19, 1986 Chicago Last wee
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Chronic depression Chronically stif
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He said, “Oh,” and looked at me
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November 3, 1986 Chicago On the rad
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steaming over the ocean, two dolls
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1987 January 13, 1987 Chicago The d
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May 22, 1987 Chicago This morning a
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to get huffy in these situations. I
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were listening to the radio. As I p
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Mom said it was good that he didn
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December 27, 1987 Raleigh Tiffany l
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time. She has only one visible toot
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February 11, 1988 Chicago At the en
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Chicago I checked The Oxford Book o
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I saw a man being handcuffed under
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die but didn’t have the wherewith
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wants. He examined her, her shrunke
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September 13, 1988 Chicago I realiz
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If any of the children in my buildi
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1989 January 5, 1989 Chicago I weig
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I was in the coffee shop of the Pal
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filthiest mouths in Europe and are
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March 23, 1989 Chicago The presiden
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didn’t pick anything up.” “Ye
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when he saw the woman, he said, “
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August 9, 1989 Chicago I was at the
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class. Most were sincere in the way
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December 21, 1989 Chicago On the la
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Chicago According to the mother of
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March 3, 1990 Chicago I hailed a ca
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A bumper sticker I saw on a beat-up
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A few days back, at the library, I
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cigarettes. I never have four. I lo
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ecipe book called How to Cook for O
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Everywhere I go in New York, people
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New York Every day I get the paper
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we learned, were elves Santa had in
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December 29, 1990 Raleigh Tell peop
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Elaine called last night with a pos
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Then we joined Lily, Hugh’s roomm
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spend time in a hospital. If I lose
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when one of the floor refinishers b
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and decency out the window” and u
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Mom called to say they have outline
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standing in front of a woman who wa
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I really outdid myself last night.
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February 9, 1992 New York Hugh sat
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ut luckily didn’t reach the table
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July 3, 1992 New York I stopped at
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Today I did a cleaning job for a fo
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catch up. Now, though, I wouldn’t
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phone book. A woman from Oregon cal
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Roger Donald called from Little, Br
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June 10, 1993 New York At around mi
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1994 January 8, 1994 New York Stitc
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April 22, 1994 New York All Helen t
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July 11, 1994 New York On the news
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socialized. So much time spent wait
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We got a wonderful review in the Ti
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In the paper there’s a story abou
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October 10, 1996 New York Amy’s b
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December 18, 1996 New York We met l
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lower your head a little?” Normal
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May 17, 1997 La Bagotière Mr. G’
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Last night I watched Alien Autopsy:
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He didn’t do much in terms of def
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1998 January 1, 1998 New York I wen
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spaghetti sauce that had chunks of
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put instead of hid. I never cared a
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for her work.” I’d never seen t
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June 10, 1998 Birmingham, Alabama I
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July 20, 1998 New York Class was st
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September 3, 1998 Paris Last night
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The teacher threw a lot of chalk to
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I bought nothing at the flea market
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Paris Today the high school student
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penis and carve it into bite-sized
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December 24, 1998 Paris As our cab
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what I’d handed her. Things like
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and asked us to finish. Her opener
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The show cut to a commercial and th
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“Hugh!” I called. “There’s
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It rained yesterday so we all bough
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Hugh and I spent yesterday afternoo
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it. The one I bought came in a litt
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gray-haired, in her sixties, I gues
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2000 January 8, 2000 Paris In the m
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will have a computer, but I’d hop
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New York Amy and I were near her ap
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oommate who attracts snakes with th
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August 9, 2000 La Bagotière I call
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When people speak Italian, I always
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egister. I had to go to the bathroo
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for a place called Granny’s Fudge
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I liked the Star Market in Somervil
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2001 January 13, 2001 Paris Yesterd
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a psychiatric hospital. According t
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upcoming move and finally got to th
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een allotted a certain number of ci
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the criminals here? I have absolute
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our guidebook for its handsome publ
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Last night, we attended the memoria
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October 7, 2001 Paris The French me
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screaming that thirty Washingtonian
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“Oh, definitely,” the woman sai
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to get their licks in before the ne
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2002 January 3, 2002 Paris I’d al
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“C’est normal,” the syndic sa
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It didn’t bother me, as the book
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In return for our help getting her
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They couldn’t be flushed, so I ha
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Lisa had made it for all of ten min
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coming and went from the sublime to
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Paris Yesterday afternoon I opened
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new colony of spiders on the living
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granddaughter. He’s odious and se
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money. Because of the tourist trade
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much, a little lump of flesh. Octob
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takes acid and steps into the Serge
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About the Author David Sedaris is t
Page 342 and 343:
Books by David Sedaris Theft by Fin
Page 344 and 345:
Holidays on Ice Naked Barrel Fever
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Theft by Finding - David Sedaris

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