Theft by Finding - David Sedaris

November 3, 1986
Chicago
On the radio, someone was talking about cranes. The ones he’d studied had been taken from their
mother at birth. At first they were raised by hand puppets, then later by men who were dressed like
cranes. How does a man dress like a crane? I wondered. And are birds really dumb enough to fall
for it?
November 20, 1986
Chicago
Two women got on the train this morning and commenced to beautify themselves. They both put on
makeup, then one of them sprayed her hair, which was flattened down on the back and sides and stood
up on the top. One strand wouldn’t cooperate, so she went at it again and again, filling that car with
that terrible smell and all the while talking to her friend.
November 22, 1986
Chicago
Ronnie’s aunt Tessie used to take her to the Salvation Army in the Bronx and switch price tags.
Tessie would pick discarded numbers off the floor of the butcher shop, saying, “Hey, what about me?
I was here long before the rest of you.” Once, Ronnie and Tessie were in line at the grocery store. The
kid in front of them asked his mother for some candy, and she answered, “No, it’ll ruin your appetite.”
The child started crying, and Tessie butted in, saying, “So let him chew on it and then spit it out.
Go ahead, give him some candy.”
Eight years ago we visited her and her husband. Tessie made a big Italian dinner and later
approached us, whispering, “Hey, youse don’t happen to have any marijuana, do you?”
We said yes, and she asked for a joint, which she wanted to save for later. Here she was, my
mother’s age!
She died of a heart attack last week, and Ronnie wrote to tell me about it.
November 25, 1986
Chicago
I stayed up all night rewriting my new story, which is better now. At two I heated up a couple of
frozen potpies and made some crescent rolls. They came in a tube, but still I formed them on the
baking tray. I thought I’d take a break from typing and eat in the living room in front of the television,
so I put the food on a tray and then tripped while carrying it. The potpies skidded across the floor and
flipped over when they hit the baseboard. Rather than cleaning it up right away, I let Neil eat as much
of it as she wanted. I just took the crust and continued on to the living room, where I watched a rerun