Theft by Finding - David Sedaris

spend time in a hospital. If I lose both hands and feet, I am entitled to $20,000 under their “cash
benefits for accidental dismemberment” clause. If I lose one hand or one foot, I get half that, but if I
lose one hand and one foot, I’m back up to $20,000.
April 3, 1991
New York
Jeffrey Lee says ish a lot.
“How do the curtains look?”
“Ish.”
He can pay me $200 on Friday so I can pay Rusty the rest of the rent money I owe him. So far with
Jeffrey Lee I’ve earned maybe $650. I’ve earned another $100 with Alba and I have $80 in the bank.
So I’ll be rich. Ish.
April 9, 1991
New York
I read last night at the Knot Room. The opening act was a singing duo, the guy on ukulele and the
woman on violin. Their first song was called “Everyone Here Is White Tonight.” When they finished,
eight people left. That happens all the time. People leave after their friends are done. After the
exodus, there were maybe twenty audience members left, but it’s a tiny room so it didn’t feel empty.
Alba came, which was sweet of her.
April 13, 1991
New York
I worked today for David Donner, a marketing analyst who paints apartments on the side. He’s
been hired to do a one-bedroom on 29th and Lexington and I’m helping for $11 an hour. We met on the
sidewalk outside the building this morning because the doormen were giving him such a hard time.
They’re the worst, these guys. They take loads of shit from the tenants and then heap it on whoever’s
less powerful.
The service-elevator operators were just as bad. They say we’re not allowed to work on the
weekends and that if they knock on the door and find us painting, they’ll cut off the electricity.
He’s tireless, David. Five minutes for lunch. His regular assistant is on vacation. I asked what he
was like and David used the term workhorse three times. At first he was very terse, but he loosened
up as the day went on and told me that his dad is a veterinarian. You’d think that would spell pets, but
his mother didn’t want animals walking through the rooms of their house unescorted, so they had none.
We worked eight hours, and he paid me in cash at the end of the day.