Theft by Finding - David Sedaris

A bumper sticker I saw on a beat-up car: THIS AIN’T THE MAYFLOWER, BUT YOUR DAUGHTER SURE
CAME ACROSS ON IT.
A man at the IHOP tonight lifted his entire steak with his fork and held it before his mouth, chewing
off hunks of it.
May 20, 1990
Chicago
Mom called to tell me that, according to my horoscope in the Raleigh News and Observer, in two
weeks I’ll get exactly what I’ve been striving for. That’s two weeks from yesterday, meaning June 2.
She sounded excited, so I got excited as well. Why do I always fall for this?
May 21, 1990
Chicago
Amy and I were leaving the Century mall when a guy approached and asked if we’d take part in a
survey for a new candy. We answered two simple questions and thought we were through, but then he
led us downstairs to a basement where we were shown a mock-up of the product and interrogated for
what felt like hours.
The guy who took down my answers had frizzy hair to his shoulders, and skin that was too white
even for a white person. He wore a blue cotton lab coat and laughed nervously after everything he
said. He was really a mess. This was a marketing test for a “lite” candy bar called Forever Yours.
The pale guy told me it contained NutraSweet and was only 120 calories. One of the questions he
asked was “Do you think this product fulfills a continental heritage?”
I was like, “Huh?”
Next he asked if I thought it had a traditional American flavor. I said I couldn’t eat chocolate, but
that didn’t matter as they never offered us a taste of anything. Eventually I said that the whole idea
was stupid. If you’re worried about calories, then don’t eat a candy bar, or eat only half of one.
“Everything’s ‘lite’ now,” I said. “And the letters that spell it out are always yellow so our eyes
won’t get fat looking at the label.”
He asked what I thought of the name Forever Yours and I said that it was silly. “Because it’s not
forever yours. You’ll eat it, then later in the day you’ll pass it, and the experience will be over. It has
a beginning and an end. There’s nothing timeless about it.”
The guy then asked if I was married, single, or divorced. This was perhaps his way of gauging
how jaded I am regarding the word forever.
May 25, 1990
Chicago