Theft by Finding - David Sedaris

Katherine Anne Porter’s Collected Letters has been released, and the Times review included one
she wrote to Hart Crane. “Your emotional hysteria is not impressive, except possibly to those little
hangers-on of literature who feel your tantrums are a mark of genius. To me they do not add the least
value to your poetry, and take away my last shadow of a wish to ever see you again.…Let me alone.
This disgusting episode has already gone too far.”
Ouch.
June 4, 1990
Chicago
Amy’s neighbors were kicking a ball on the front lawn her boyfriend, Paul, had recently seeded, so
she opened the window and politely asked them to play somewhere else. “We’re trying to grow
grass,” she explained.
“You’re trying to grow it now?” one of the kids asked, as if she could put it on hold for a while.
June 18, 1990
Chicago
Summer school started this afternoon. They said they’d cancel the class if I had fewer than twelve
students, then they changed it to seven. I started the day with eight. One was absent, two added at the
last minute, and one dropped out, so now I’m at a relatively safe nine. That’ll be $2,300 ($1,900 or
so after taxes) I can add to the $1,000 I already have saved for New York.
June 26, 1990
Chicago
Amy and I went to Hoffritz to find Dad a Father’s Day gift. Our original idea was to buy him a
knife, but in the end we spent $72 on a vibrator. It’s a Panasonic with a long stem and a thickish disk
on top, designed so you can reach behind yourself and work out the kinks in your back and shoulders.
We also figured he’ll use it on his dog.
“Our father’s going to love this,” Amy said to the saleswoman as we laid the vibrator on the
counter.
The woman smiled.
“The next time we see him, though, I bet his front teeth are all chipped.”
The smile faded.
June 28, 1990
Chicago