Theft by Finding - David Sedaris

June 14, 1984
Chicago
I met with a guy named Harry, who’s started a refinishing business. I’d hoped I was done with
chemical stripper, but he’s offering $5 an hour and we’ll be working in people’s houses rather than in
a garage. The interview was held at Harry’s apartment, a big clean place, nicely decorated but with
the TV on. His wife was at work, and after asking me a few questions, he offered me a beer. Then he
rolled a joint, and I thought, Great, I’ve found a job.
June 25, 1984
Chicago
I found a letter on the ground near the neighborhood McDonald’s. It reads:
What I think about my mother
My mother is a bitch.
Motherfucker shitty ass.
Haffer goddamn nigger sucker she raisin’ witch. Shit.
signed Charlene Moore
June 30, 1984
Chicago
At work Harry told me about his brother Bob, who died a few years ago at the age of twenty-six.
Bob had bad luck. He was an epileptic, and a seizure he once had while driving caused a ten-car
pileup. Later he fell down some stairs and broke both his legs. Finally he was hit by a train while
walking, which is strange because trains don’t generally sneak up on people. For the most part,
barring a derailment, you know exactly where to find them.
All that was left intact after he was run over were his hands.
August 13, 1984
Chicago
Ken Shorr, the guy I had for 4-D, called a few days ago and asked if I’d be interested in being in a
play he wrote. I haven’t acted since high school, but it’ll be just the two of us and he is terribly funny.
I went to his place last night and met his wife and newborn son. They didn’t have any ashtrays, so I