Theft by Finding - David Sedaris

1991
January 2, 1991
New York
I took the Carey bus from LaGuardia and was crossing 42nd Street when a guy said, “Hey, big
man, how about giving me one of those cigarettes?” He was a good six inches taller than me, so I
pointed that out and asked why he’d called me big man. “Did you think I’d find it flattering?”
“Hey,” he said. “That’s just the way I am.”
I said, “Fine, and this is the way I am.”
As I walked away he called out after me, “Hey, it’s just a fucking cigarette.”
“Well, you know me,” I called back.
In front of Grand Central, a big black guy asked did I want a taxi, and when I said yes, he grabbed
my duffel bag and proceeded down the street. I followed and watched as he hailed a cab, threw my
bag into the backseat, and demanded a tip.
I took my bag out of the backseat and hailed another cab. The driver told me that he hates those
self-appointed porters. When he hears one of them shake a passenger down for a tip, he rolls down
his window and shouts, “You don’t owe him shit! Don’t give him nothing.”
January 7, 1991
New York
I found a PlayGuy magazine in a trash can on West 4th Street and read the letters section, where a
college student wrote that six months ago he began drinking his own semen. “The kinkiest thing I ever
did was the time I saved up a seven-day output of my cum and put it in a bottle. I went to the cafeteria
for dinner, got a salad, pulled my little bottle out of my pocket and put it on the table. When a couple
of P.E. majors asked what it was, I told them that it was a high-protein salad dressing my mom had
sent me. Several of them asked to share my dressing, which I gladly did. I could barely contain myself
as I watched these guys pour my cum on their greens and eat it. Now, some people might think my
antics are a bit much. But I enjoy it and it feels good. Isn’t that what sex is all about?”
“I enjoy it and it feels good” doesn’t really justify his actions, in my opinion. Then again, he can’t
honestly have done this, can he?
February 5, 1991
New York