Theft by Finding - David Sedaris

Today was the first day of the new semester, and I’m teaching two classes. There are twenty
students in the first one. I asked everyone to list the last three books they’d read (answers included
Jonathan Livingston Seagull and a Danielle Steel novel) and then I asked what they’d do were
someone to give them each $500. One person said he’d get more tattoos; many wanted sound systems;
and three wanted plane tickets to warm places.
Because there are so many students, it’s easy getting them to talk. One person ate in class, and
another said “Shit” way too many times. Before they left, I had them each write a few paragraphs
explaining to me how they’d lost their feet.
Something has changed, and now, when I look at my students, I see only people who are going to
eat up my time.
Meanwhile, my diet is working. I went down a belt notch and was comfortable.
January 19, 1989
Chicago
This is the last day of Ronald Reagan’s presidency, and on All Things Considered they asked a
variety of people how he had affected their lives. The person I most identified with said that after the
past eight years, she will never trust a Republican again. There were many people who cheered him,
and a few who hated him in a personal way. One woman blamed Reagan for her parents’ divorce. She
was from a farm family and said that the stress brought on by the president’s agricultural policies
ruined the marriage, which under previous administrations had been happy.
A Brooklyn man blamed Reagan for his AIDS, speaking almost as if he’d caught it from him. I
hated Reagan but stopped dwelling on it after he became such an easy and popular target. My eyes
never welled up when he spoke. They narrowed.
January 24, 1989
Chicago
Names from the phone book:
Adonis Labinski
Dolly Branch
B. J. Beefus
Eugene Bratman
Wolfgang Fey
Freeman Fry
January 27, 1989
Chicago