Theft by Finding - David Sedaris

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1984 January 6, 1984 Chicago, Illinois Now I am in Chicago. Everyone came to the train station in Raleigh and saw me off. It was bitterly cold, and I cried as we pulled away and I saw Mom and Joe and Sharon and Dean and Katherine and the Parkers all waving. At the DC station I bought a Coke from a vending machine that talked. That was a first. My three days visiting Allyn in Pittsburgh were a blur—smoked a lot of pot, snorted a good deal of cocaine, which never really agrees with me. Tonight was a reception for new students in the dining area of the Art Institute. There was wine and cheese and people in uniforms who emptied the ashtrays. I’m not as hysterical as I thought I might be and am having a good time looking around. Visited the post office and the big main library and the conservatory of music, where Ned Rorem went. I am beside myself. On leaving the reception tonight, I saw a man sitting on a stool. He’d removed his artificial legs, which were lying on the ground beside him. What a place! January 10, 1984 Chicago I looked at four apartments today, the best being 820 West Cuyler. It’s a short street, and everyone in the building is from Mexico or Central America. There’s trash in the courtyard and on the landings, but the rent is only $190. The living room / bedroom ceiling is covered with plastic to catch the falling plaster. The floors are collaged with different patterns of linoleum, but the bathroom’s OK. There are plenty of windows and a kitchen big enough to do all my work in. Best of all, it’s eight blocks from an IHOP that looks exactly like the one I left behind in Raleigh, both inside and out. January 15, 1984 Chicago After looking at sixteen apartments, some so small I could heat them with a candle and a few that were roommate situations, I came back to 820 West Cuyler. George, the super, told me I can take up the linoleum if I want and remove the flimsy wall that divides the main room in half. The closet’s big, and he will replaster the ceiling. While cleaning it, I found lots of matches, a cap, and a rattrap. The last tenants left behind a sofa
I’ll be getting rid of and a framed picture of Jesus spreading his arms as wide as they will go. There are roach eggs everywhere, and the place stinks of pesticide. January 17, 1984 Chicago Because I’m basically starting from scratch, I have to take a number of core classes. These are 2-D (basic drawing), 3-D (basic sculpture), and 4-D, which can be video or performance or whatever the teacher, whose name is Ken Shorr, wants. Our first assignment from him is to collect overheard sentences and shape them into a dialogue. Then we’re to find a scrap of something measuring four by five feet and slap a word or image on it. This is right up my alley, and I’ve already started on it. My scrap will be some of the linoleum I’ve ripped off my living-room floor. Ken said that school is one of the few places—perhaps the only place—where we’ll find people who are interested in what we have to say. He’s sort of a pessimist that way. Before class, I looked him up and learned he was in the Whitney Biennial. I wanted to ask what he’d done to get there, but I had already talked too much in 2-D and 3-D and didn’t want to exhaust everybody. January 22, 1984 Chicago I pulled up all the linoleum, got rid of the extra wall in the living room, and have started painting the kitchen. Last night, after finishing the cabinets, I went to the little market around the corner for beer and found $45 on the floor in front of the checkout counter. I thought I’d dropped it, and by the time I discovered it wasn’t mine, I was back home. First thing today I went out and blew it. I bought: 1. two pounds of goat meat 2. more beer 3. Fires by Raymond Carver 4. the New York Review of Books 5. hardware 6. groceries 7. a magazine called Straight to Hell in which gay men recount true sexual experiences, many of them outdoors and in cars or under bridges February 13, 1984 Chicago I sanded the living-room floor and put the first coat of polyurethane on it before leaving for school
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Copyright © 2017 by David Sedaris
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For Dawn “Friendship Flower” Er
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Introduction Not long after decidin
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someone else, but that is something
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1977 September 5, 1977 Sacramento,
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said Paul was hurt that I hadn’t
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What a day. December 1, 1977 West V
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April 19, 1978 Chapel Hill Uh Uh Uh
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Ronnie was the first person I met w
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Odell After I paid my membership an
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I’ve returned all my library book
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For the umpteenth time I’m sweari
Page 28 and 29: Raleigh I am in trouble with Lisa
Page 30 and 31: Conversation I overheard at the IHO
Page 32 and 33: July 7, 1979 Raleigh Last night, af
Page 34 and 35: Brad: (More slaps.) Bitch, whore. G
Page 36 and 37: 1980 January 1, 1980 Raleigh I gave
Page 38 and 39: April 25, 1980 Raleigh I began work
Page 40 and 41: I dropped my telephone again. Now i
Page 42 and 43: first onto the floor. I was maybe t
Page 44 and 45: Woman: Oh, come on, you slept here
Page 46 and 47: igger. He has a Dutch Boy haircut a
Page 48 and 49: oken or damaged or stolen. Dad says
Page 50 and 51: looded American in the class, a wom
Page 52 and 53: her three dogs in the cellar. They
Page 54 and 55: go home. January 10, 1982 Raleigh N
Page 56 and 57: Raleigh Outside the A&P I saw a wom
Page 58 and 59: Raleigh Mrs. Ewing was at home this
Page 60 and 61: Someone has drawn a swastika on the
Page 62 and 63: April 9, 1982 Raleigh Mom called th
Page 64 and 65: Fair, and while eating they specula
Page 66 and 67: Just as I’m packing to move into
Page 68 and 69: September 20, 1982 Raleigh A joke I
Page 70 and 71: February 18, 1983 Raleigh Last nigh
Page 72 and 73: you could just move the bed into th
Page 74 and 75: When he then walked into the other
Page 76 and 77: I went to Capital Camera this after
Page 80 and 81: this morning. At five I returned to
Page 82 and 83: and I watched as one of the men spo
Page 84 and 85: used a plate. We talked, and he gav
Page 86 and 87: There was a long line at the Sherid
Page 88 and 89: 1985 January 9, 1985 Raleigh Since
Page 90 and 91: July 28, 1985 Chicago Odd family at
Page 92 and 93: the start of class he said that no
Page 94 and 95: December 8, 1985 Chicago Here is th
Page 96 and 97: This afternoon I was hit over the h
Page 98 and 99: and crying my eyes out.” She rubb
Page 100 and 101: I saw a bird swoop down this mornin
Page 102 and 103: September 19, 1986 Chicago Last wee
Page 104 and 105: Chronic depression Chronically stif
Page 106 and 107: He said, “Oh,” and looked at me
Page 108 and 109: November 3, 1986 Chicago On the rad
Page 110 and 111: steaming over the ocean, two dolls
Page 112 and 113: 1987 January 13, 1987 Chicago The d
Page 114 and 115: May 22, 1987 Chicago This morning a
Page 116 and 117: to get huffy in these situations. I
Page 118 and 119: were listening to the radio. As I p
Page 120 and 121: Mom said it was good that he didn
Page 122 and 123: December 27, 1987 Raleigh Tiffany l
Page 124 and 125: time. She has only one visible toot
Page 126 and 127: February 11, 1988 Chicago At the en
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Chicago I checked The Oxford Book o
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I saw a man being handcuffed under
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die but didn’t have the wherewith
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wants. He examined her, her shrunke
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September 13, 1988 Chicago I realiz
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If any of the children in my buildi
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1989 January 5, 1989 Chicago I weig
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I was in the coffee shop of the Pal
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filthiest mouths in Europe and are
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March 23, 1989 Chicago The presiden
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didn’t pick anything up.” “Ye
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when he saw the woman, he said, “
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August 9, 1989 Chicago I was at the
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class. Most were sincere in the way
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December 21, 1989 Chicago On the la
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Chicago According to the mother of
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March 3, 1990 Chicago I hailed a ca
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A bumper sticker I saw on a beat-up
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A few days back, at the library, I
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cigarettes. I never have four. I lo
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ecipe book called How to Cook for O
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Everywhere I go in New York, people
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New York Every day I get the paper
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we learned, were elves Santa had in
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December 29, 1990 Raleigh Tell peop
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Elaine called last night with a pos
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Then we joined Lily, Hugh’s roomm
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spend time in a hospital. If I lose
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when one of the floor refinishers b
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and decency out the window” and u
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Mom called to say they have outline
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standing in front of a woman who wa
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I really outdid myself last night.
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February 9, 1992 New York Hugh sat
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ut luckily didn’t reach the table
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July 3, 1992 New York I stopped at
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Today I did a cleaning job for a fo
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catch up. Now, though, I wouldn’t
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phone book. A woman from Oregon cal
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Roger Donald called from Little, Br
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June 10, 1993 New York At around mi
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1994 January 8, 1994 New York Stitc
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April 22, 1994 New York All Helen t
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July 11, 1994 New York On the news
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socialized. So much time spent wait
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We got a wonderful review in the Ti
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In the paper there’s a story abou
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October 10, 1996 New York Amy’s b
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December 18, 1996 New York We met l
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lower your head a little?” Normal
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May 17, 1997 La Bagotière Mr. G’
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Last night I watched Alien Autopsy:
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He didn’t do much in terms of def
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1998 January 1, 1998 New York I wen
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spaghetti sauce that had chunks of
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put instead of hid. I never cared a
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for her work.” I’d never seen t
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June 10, 1998 Birmingham, Alabama I
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July 20, 1998 New York Class was st
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September 3, 1998 Paris Last night
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The teacher threw a lot of chalk to
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I bought nothing at the flea market
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Paris Today the high school student
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penis and carve it into bite-sized
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December 24, 1998 Paris As our cab
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what I’d handed her. Things like
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and asked us to finish. Her opener
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The show cut to a commercial and th
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“Hugh!” I called. “There’s
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It rained yesterday so we all bough
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Hugh and I spent yesterday afternoo
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it. The one I bought came in a litt
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gray-haired, in her sixties, I gues
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2000 January 8, 2000 Paris In the m
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will have a computer, but I’d hop
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New York Amy and I were near her ap
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oommate who attracts snakes with th
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August 9, 2000 La Bagotière I call
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When people speak Italian, I always
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egister. I had to go to the bathroo
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for a place called Granny’s Fudge
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I liked the Star Market in Somervil
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2001 January 13, 2001 Paris Yesterd
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a psychiatric hospital. According t
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upcoming move and finally got to th
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een allotted a certain number of ci
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the criminals here? I have absolute
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our guidebook for its handsome publ
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Last night, we attended the memoria
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October 7, 2001 Paris The French me
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screaming that thirty Washingtonian
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“Oh, definitely,” the woman sai
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to get their licks in before the ne
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2002 January 3, 2002 Paris I’d al
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“C’est normal,” the syndic sa
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It didn’t bother me, as the book
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In return for our help getting her
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They couldn’t be flushed, so I ha
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Lisa had made it for all of ten min
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coming and went from the sublime to
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Paris Yesterday afternoon I opened
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new colony of spiders on the living
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granddaughter. He’s odious and se
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money. Because of the tourist trade
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much, a little lump of flesh. Octob
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takes acid and steps into the Serge
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About the Author David Sedaris is t
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Books by David Sedaris Theft by Fin
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Holidays on Ice Naked Barrel Fever
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Theft by Finding - David Sedaris

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