Theft by Finding - David Sedaris

situation comedy and everyone would laugh it off.
July 16, 1987
Chicago
I went to the library and passed a street musician who had a live weasel in his guitar case. It was
on a leash and was taking a nap. There was a girl at school who had a weasel, though she called it a
ferret. She said it was sweet and would burrow under the covers while she was sleeping.
If there was a weasel in my house, I’d move.
July 26, 1987
Chicago
When Steve was six years old, his family lived in Hollywood and he appeared on The Pat Boone
Show, which had a segment involving kids and the adorable things they sometimes come up with. He
remembers saying, “A doctor or a fireman,” but can no longer remember whether he was asked what
he wanted to be when he grew up, or who he wanted to sleep with.
September 13, 1987
Raleigh
Amy said loudly to Paul’s girlfriend yesterday, “Hey, did that bleach ever work on your
mustache?” They were in a crowded ladies’ room, and everyone turned to look at Angie’s upper lip.
Later she said to Mom in line at the grocery store, “It’s great they gave you your license back so
soon after that DWI.”
September 20, 1987
Chicago
Before I left Raleigh, Mom walked the dog up the street and back. It’s part of her exercise, and she
went as far as the Andrewses’ old house, where Melina peed in the driveway. Just then a boy drove
up and told my mother to get the fuck off his property. He called her a bitch and a cunt, so Mom
returned home, dropped off the dog, and went back up the street, where she told the kid that he
couldn’t talk to her that way. “Yeah?” he said. “Well, how’d you like it if I shit in your driveway?”
Mom said Melina was only peeing, but peeing and shitting were the same to this kid. Again he
called her a bitch and ordered her off his property. Then he threatened to come to our house with his
Doberman pinscher.
“Do you have a Doberman pinscher?” Mom asked.
He said no but that he could just come alone and pee in our driveway.