Theft by Finding - David Sedaris

ottle that smashed on the sidewalk ten feet away from me. Who threw it? The nice thing about
crowds is that someone can throw a bottle and you don’t take it personally.
I saw two more people without feet today, one before and one after I walked to the Central Park Zoo.
It’s not nearly as big as the one in Lincoln Park in Chicago, or as well stocked. For example, they
have ants at the Central Park Zoo. From watching the original Cat People movie, I was expecting
panthers, but the wildest things they had were polar bears. Then there were penguins, monkeys, bats,
and tortoises, which really made time when the guy showed up with their food. It was funny to see
them run, their necks stretched out, their eyes bulging.
At a store called Gay Treasures on Hudson Street, I heard a man in his mid-fifties talk to the cashier,
who was around the same age, about his new boyfriend. “He spanks me raw at least twice a week.
Last night he used an umbrella!”
“He should have stuck it up your ass,” the cashier said.
The customer leaned forward. “Who said he didn’t!”
October 15, 1990
New York
I screwed up my courage this afternoon and called Philip Morris. Rusty then told me that I wanted
William Morris. They’re the talent agency. Philip Morris is the cigarette company.
I walked around today and saw a man get chased and kicked in the ass for taking an apple from a fruit
stand. Tonight it’s cool and the air is dry. The city smells like burned coffee.
October 19, 1990
New York
Lily has been painting and doing light carpentry work in the town house of an antiques dealer. He
has a little dog named Crumpet that acts pitiful and lame when it wants food and attention. She told
me about him at a falafel restaurant in the East Village, and then I told her about my downstairs
neighbors, who have been complaining about the sound of my footsteps. “Because of them I now go
barefoot when I’m at home,” I told her. “And I tiptoe.”
A woman sitting near us finished her meal and said to me on her way out, “Listen, you pay rent too.
There’s no need for you to tiptoe around your own apartment.”
October 21, 1990